Navigating those Tough Talks
Relationships, no matter how perfect they may seem, always come with some bumps in the road, and there inevitably comes a time when we must have that dreaded ‘tough talk’ with our partner. The movies portray this as the ‘we need to talk’ moment, a cliffhanger where the audience wonders whether their relationship will survive…
Why J.A.D.E. doesn’t work to resolve conflict with your partner
What is JADE? It is an acronym for the ineffective tactics of Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining to resolve conflict. It is a term borrowed from psychiatrist and team-cognitive-behavioral guru Dr David Burns. Here is what it means J – Justifying your actions. “I might have done that, but you also did….” Justifying is a…
3 Methods to Disarm an Angry Wife
Many men today lack the skills needed to give their wives and partners what they need in a relationship. Much of this is due to the fact that the roles women traditionally played in relationships has changed over the last several decades and some men have not yet learned how to care for the women…
Diffuse family anger by talking differently — to yourself!
Case #1: Jeanette and Tom had been married 15 years. Wanting to surprise him for his birthday, Jeanette bought (with her own money) Tom a big-screen LCD television. Tom’s reaction? He instantly blew up and berated Jeanette for spending so much money, buying more television than they needed, and buying a bigger one than they…
Six tools to repair emotional damage in your marriage
Rudy and Marjorie were on the verge of divorce. Married 12 years, they had constant verbal battles ending in what therapists call emotional disengagement— meaning that they simply ignored each other for days on end. Emotionally, they were simmering inside and also lonely for each other, but were unable to reach out and communicate these…
How to control anger by forgiving grievances
Thirty-two year old Elizabeth cried during her anger management class as she related how one year ago her 19-month-old girl was permanently brain-damaged as the result of medical error at the hospital in which she was delivered. She definitely had a legitimate grievance toward the hospital and the medical staff and felt that she could…
Five steps to adjust your expectations
Dateline: January 4th. Orange, Ca. Anger management class participants review anger triggers of the week: “My boyfriend openly flirts with other women in front of me.” Jane, age 23, engaged to be married “a work group back East didn’t finish their project on time, which made our progress look bad – I blew up! Jim,…
How optimism can help—or hurt—your marriage
Beth and Tom were happily married for over 25 years— no small feat in today’s world. At first, their friends could not understand how their marriage succeeded, due to numerous perceived shortcomings. However, closer scrutiny of their marriage revealed that it was their thinking patterns—the ways they explained and interpreted their partner’s behavior to themselves—that…
How to be less angry in your marriage – Tips on how to become allies around issues
Tom and Mary have been married for 10 years. Both are employed. Let’s listen in on an angry conversation they are having in their kitchen while making dinner: (curtain up) Mary: Would it have killed you to stop off on your way home to buy me some Valentine flowers? Tom: You should have seen the…
Anger in The American family – How to stress guard your family
Joe and Emily live in Southern California with their three young children. Both work and must commute 2 hours daily on busy freeways, often not getting home until 7:30 PM, exhausted and depleted. Stressed, they have little patience for the antics of their young children resulting in constant shouting matches, defiance on the part of…
Three ways to deal with a passive-aggressive person
Thirty-three year old Roberto had promised his wife Tina that he would be home after work in time for her to attend her weekly “women’s group” at her church. Having only one automobile, Tina was completely at the mercy of Roberto’s promise. You guessed it! Roberto did not show up until 8:45 PM—way too late…
Is it OK for wives to verbally abuse husbands for not helping more around the house?
In situations like that, women often feel justified in being angry, frustrated and fatigued—and verbally expressing their discontent. But, wives are not justified in verbally abusing their husbands to get them to do more. Assertive communication The right way to get your husband to help around the house involves teaching wives a better way to communicate and motivate…
What to do if one spouse doesn’t want to have sex
When a Spouse Doesn’t Want to Have Sex It has been two months since Janet and Mark have had sex. They’re hardly speaking to each other. If you asked Janet about this, she would say that their home has become a battle zone-they fight about every little thing. Janet goes out of her way to…
Couples in crisis: How couple therapy mitigates stubborn psychological defenses
Guest article by Dr James Tolbin. Edited slightly and reproduced with permission. Why does a couple typically seek therapy? Research indicates that by the time a couple seeks couple therapy and arranges an appointment, the partners have been at war for multiple years on a range of seemingly unresolvable issues. Often a recent event is…
Orange County marriage counselor asks: Is your marriage worth saving?
The Story of Mary and Bill Mary and Bill were a nice couple empty nesters. Married 20 years, hey had built a nice life together. Their mortgage was low, their children were in college and doing well, most of the time they got along with each other fairly well. But one day Mary told Bill…
Angry at narcissistic husband? How to cope short of divorce!
Anger and partner narcissism: Betty and Jason Betty and Jason had been married for 5 years and were now being seen in couples therapy because of almost constant conflict. Jason saw the problem as “Betty’s anger” which he couldn’t cope with and caused him to completely emotionally shut down. He constantly threatened divorce lamenting that…
8 things you can do TODAY to prevent angry partner blowups
Spending so much time together in social isolation during the pandemic is bound to challenge the patience and coping skills of many partners. Fortunately, new technology has been developed to help you stay calm called “Gaze-Spotting” based on the original work of Dr. David Grand, developer of a technique called Brainspotting. STEP 1 : Walk…
Lovehacking: Quick fixes to improve your marriage or relationship
How Love-Hacks can give your marriage a tune-up To fix a truly troubled marriage takes much effort and commitment. But, many marriages or relationships just need a tune-up. One psychologist, Dr. Eli Finkel, calls these “Lovehacks” in his new and very well-researched and well-thought-out book “The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work.” Lovehacks provide…
Five tips for preventing resentment from ruining your marriage
When you and your spouse hit rough times, it seems that no matter what you do, things get worse. You blame your spouse; your spouse blames you and nothing changes. Out of desperation, you eventually step back from your situation and try to think more clearly. And thankfully, when you aren’t mired in the muck,…
Needing to be Right- A Sure-Fire Losing Strategy for Partner Communication
When I was a young psychologist, I recall a young woman in my practice who was very upset because men simply didn’t see her as very feminine and treated her like “one of the guys,” instead of like a “girl” as she deeply desired. I asked for an example of what she meant.”The other night…
New Discernment Counseling for Couples On the Brink
Up to 40% of people who divorce wish they hadn’t done so. Yet, many of these people say they tried “everything”,including couples therapy, but to no avail. Why doesn’t couples therapy,even done by experienced and competent therapists prevent breakup more of the time? One reason is that both partners and the therapist often don’t have…