We often get angry at our spouses because they don’t live up to our expectations.
Angry people often assume that their disappointment is due almost entirely to the poor of inadequate behavior or performance of the other person.
Actually, the disappointment can also be caused by your misguided expectations of the other person or the situation itself (like your expectations of marriage).
When we are dating, we often don’t really see the other person for what they are; we see them for what we want or need them to be.
Even if we do see flaws, some of us assume that the other will improve or change those flaws after marriage. Sometimes they will, but it is dangerous to assume that you can change them, or that your love will be enough to change them.
Better to have the attitude: “what you see is what you get.”
If expectations are too high, anger may develop later in the relationship when it is becomes obvious that the other isn’t going to change either because they don’t want to or they are incapable of changing.
This is why we advise our people to adapt the attitude that if your partner does decide to change, consider it a bonus – not a requirement.
If you disapprove of aspects of your partner’s behavior, yet you still want to continue the relationship for other reasons, rather than getting angry, try acceptance.
Put the challenge on yourself to find ways to develop coping mechanisms to more effectively deal with the your partner’s behaviors that disturb you.