Last Friday, I decided to take a stroll through Fashion Island, and I found myself seated at my favorite coffee shop. As a psychologist, I am a people watcher; human interaction fascinates me. So when I heard a couple arguing, it piqued my interest immediately.
The couple was young, in their mid-to-late 20s, and they were bickering loudly. “You’ve changed!” I heard the man exclaim. “No, I haven’t.” The girl replied, her body language taking on a defensive stance. “I am the same person I have always been.”
The argument continued as the couple walked past me, its volume slowly fading, but the context of the disagreement felt like kismet. That very morning, I had watched a YouTube video from the channel called “Zoe’s Lessons.” The creator of the channel, Elenor, is a 96-year-old woman who shares words of wisdom gleaned from her life experience and her 64-year marriage. Sadly, her husband, Robert, has since passed, but her insights remain incredibly valuable.
In that post, she spoke of the evolution of a marriage and how the man she married 64 years ago was not the same person 20, 30, or even 60 years into their relationship. As we age, we evolve, and change is inevitable.
With dating apps making it easy to meet someone new with just a swipe, are long-term relationships still possible? And if they are, what can you do to make yours last?
Questioning your decision
It can be too easy to give up on a relationship in search of the perfect person. However, the perfect person may indeed be right in front of you.
Elenor spoke of a time when she was 27 and had been married three years. She was unhappy and felt that she and Robert were no longer right for each other. Elenor reached out to her neighbor, who had been married for 30 years. Valuing her opinion, she sought comfort in her friend, expecting to be told she deserved better.
Instead, her neighbor told her something she never forgot. She said, “Honey, we all married the wrong person. The trick is deciding to make them the right person anyway.”
It is in our nature to question our choices, especially in times of conflict. We all struggle with differences of opinion, especially in the fundamental aspects of a relationship.
Money, child rearing, family, arguments, and change are inevitable. Those in a healthy relationship learn to make concessions and understand that there is give and take and that life can’t always go our way.
Elenor teaches us that the key to a long-term relationship is not finding the perfect person but choosing to make your partner the right person, and this takes empathy, kindness, and understanding.
Some people are truly not right for each other. You should never live in a psychologically or physically abusive relationship, one where you walk on eggshells, feel disrespected, and taken for granted. However, there is a difference between partner apathy and a relationship that is simply evolving.
Life is change
Long-term relationships are shaped by change, embracing moments of challenge, working through the hard times, and choosing to grow and move forward together.
In her post, Elenor speaks in her quiet, wise voice about her late husband’s needs, life struggles, and how these shifted over the course of their relationship, shaping his ever-evolving personality.
Elenor, too, was coping with her own life changes, from raising her daughter to changes in health and work commitments. Their lives moved separately and together as they navigated the ups and downs, accepting and loving the person they were becoming.
Change can be scary, especially in a relationship, and our knee-jerk reaction may be to rebel against it; however, emotional evolution is inevitable, and loving each other despite change is a huge step toward a long-term relationship.
Love and commitment are a choice
Understanding how to embrace change, rather than resist it, can transform the way we love and support our partner.
Elenor speaks of love as not just a feeling but as a daily decision to commit to each other. She admits that not just weeks but years passed when she did not ‘like’ her husband, but she chose to stay, prioritizing her marriage over a brief period of unhappiness.
When I listened to Elenor speak, one quote stood out to me. She said, “We grew together, even when we grew in different directions.”
As she spoke these words, I envisioned two beautiful oak trees standing side by side. Their roots entwined at the base and their branches eternally seeking the sun. At times, they may compete for the light; their limbs may break in heavy winds as they knock together, but once the storm has passed, they continue to grow together confidently, drawing nutrients from the soil, their leaves turning with the seasons, each made stronger not despite the other’s presence but because of it.
We may not like the changes we see in our partner, but Elenor teaches that change is inevitable, so do not obsess over them. Quirks and habits that drive you crazy now may become part of your love language as you grow together. Five years from now, you may not remember why their laugh irritated you so much or why you used to lie in bed considering divorce because they left their dishes in the sink when the dishwasher was a few feet away.
Elenor wisely stated, “It’s not about finding someone who completes you. That’s a myth that ruins more marriages than it saves. It’s about finding someone you’re willing to keep choosing even when they’re not easy to choose.” She decided her marriage was worth more to her than temporary unhappiness, however irritating it was at the time.
We all have traits that drive our partners crazy, but lasting love is built on choosing empathy over frustration and on loving our partner for who they are and who they are becoming.
Let go of unrealistic expectations
Elenor warns us against the modern pressure to make our partner the center of our world. Expecting them to be our best friend, therapist, intellectual, and financial equal is not realistic and leads to unhealthy expectations.
Elenor explained that she found happiness by surrounding herself with loved and trusted people who could fulfill her intrinsic needs, thereby reducing the pressure on her husband to be everything to her.
Her best friend, Linda, was her lifelong companion, someone she turned to in both the good and the bad times. Elenor loved to talk, whereas her husband was quiet, tending to retreat into his own thoughts under stress. Her kindness in understanding allowed her to chat with her best friend in a time of need while respecting Robert’s need for quiet. Her needs were met by the people she trusted.
Marriage is never 50/50
Hollywood often portrays marriage as a flawless balance of give and take, but this couldn’t be further from the truth.
I look at my own marriage that has spanned decades. There were times when I came home from work absolutely exhausted. I had nothing left to give, and my wife stepped in, cooking dinner and taking care of the nightly chores. Everyday fluctuations in how much each partner gives and takes are normal, but what happens when illness turns one partner into a caregiver?
Elenor shared a time in her life when her surgery left her reliant on Robert. He cooked, cleaned, and even helped her to the bathroom. She proudly said that he never complained, and there were times when she carried him emotionally after his brother died.
Ultimately, what sustains a marriage through these imbalances is a deep sense of partnership and unconditional support. The moments when one gives more than the other are not failures, but opportunities to express love in its truest form. When couples stop keeping score and focus instead on lifting each other up, they build a relationship that can weather any season of life.
As I look back on my own life, I can say without a doubt that 20-year-old me would not recognize the man I am today. Life has taught me so much. Some lessons I truly appreciate, and others I could have done without, but each stitch in life created the tapestry of who I am; we are the sum of our experiences, and change is part of becoming who we are.
I conclude this post with a quote from Eleanor that I feel we all must take to heart.
“Marriage is a mistake you make on purpose and then you work like hell to make it the best mistake of your life. The question isn’t did I marry the right person. The question is, am I willing to keep choosing this person even when it’s hard? It’s a choice and you make that choice every single day.”
I encourage you to watch the full podcast below.
WHAT IF YOU COULD
Change your relationship today
WITHOUT WAITING FOR YOUR PARTNER?
