I would like to begin this article by prefacing that I am not old; I am just well seasoned. My body may betray my inner teenager, and the early bird special somehow became a part of my weekly routine, but in my own mind, I am still young. However, my next analogy may betray this sentiment.
Early this morning as sleep alluded me, I began thinking of shows I loved before the days of streaming and scrolling. Back then, we waited with great anticipation for the next episode of my favorite series, and The Twilight Zone was one I really loved.
One particular episode struck me even in my younger years and remained with me to this day, helping influence my outlook as a psychologist.
The episode, called “The Eye of the Beholder,” first aired in 1960. It follows Janet Tyler, who is having her eleventh and final state-approved surgery to look ‘normal’.
The doctors keep to the shadows, hiding their faces, adding to the mystery of the episode. When Janet’s bandages come off, the doctors say the surgery failed, but the audience sees that Janet is actually a beautiful woman. The twist is that the hospital staff have disfigured faces that look like mutant pigs.
In Janet’s world, her looks were considered hideous; however, the audience saw something entirely different. This brings me to the topic of today’s article: the underlying cause of so many arguments is that reality is subjective.
Many arguments begin in a similar manner. A legitimate issue is raised, debated, and then, as the discussion progresses, it devolves into an argument over who is right. The proverbial ‘he said’ ‘she said’ rages on until both people are left exhausted, upset, angry, and sleeping in separate rooms, conflict unresolved. However, what if both parties are 100% correct in their recollection of the situation?
Two opposing realities can indeed be correct because we remember from our own perspective. A portion of the conversation one person remembers, another may forget. Someone’s mind may wander during a discussion, changing their perspective of their reality. Memory is malleable; we all recall differently, and this does not make us wrong. However, is it worth sacrificing a relationship just to be right? I do not believe so, and I have helped so many couples over the years understand this by changing their mindset towards their partner in a positive way.
When Perception Becomes Reality
One of the quiet truths in every relationship is this: your partner is never just who they are; they are also who you perceive them to be. To paraphrase Dr. Terry Real, renowned relationship psychologist: your view of your partner is shaped by how you interpret their actions and motives.
We often believe our judgments about our partner are based on facts. For example, describing someone as beautiful, successful, nagging, or selfish. However, these are not facts or objective reflections of the person. Instead, they are interpretations that create emotions. These emotions influence how we perceive and interact with each other in everyday life.
Two people can look at the same person and see two completely different realities. One sees a caring spouse and mother; another sees someone who dotes on the children, ignoring the relationship. One may see a man working two jobs to make ends meet; another sees a man who places work over family. The spouse remains the same; it is perception that is altered, and perception is incredibly powerful. It can turn a moment of exhaustion into rejection, misunderstanding into a character flaw.
Changing how you view your partner can transform your relationship, often dramatically and usually for the better. Not because they changed, but because you stopped interpreting their actions and emotions through a lens of fear, resentment, or old programming.
Perception is Your Paintbrush, Emotion is the Color
Let’s try a thought experiment together. Imagine, with as little emotion as possible, the most recent argument you had with your partner. Perceive this from a position of observer, looking beyond hurt and seeing it with fresh eyes.
Were they tired, frustrated? Were you feeling the same way, and might this have altered your perception during the fight? Might they have misinterpreted you or you them? What happens when you recall this argument and, instead of seeing old patterns and past hurt, you look upon it using empathy and paint the situation in a different light?
Your perception acts as the paintbrush, emotion provides the color, and your partner is the canvas. When you change how you perceive or feel, the entire picture of your relationship changes.
This concept is at the core of our new Relationship Turnaround program. The program teaches that you don’t need to change your partner to improve your relationship. Instead, start by changing the meaning you assign to your partner’s actions.
Softer interpretations lead to less conflict. When you shift your perspective, the dynamic between you changes as well. Seeing your partner in a new light changes how you feel about them—and how they feel about you. Often, the most powerful way to repair a relationship isn’t to try to change your partner, but to change your own perspective. This, in turn, transforms how you respond to each other.
To wrap up, I would like to share a story with you, one I am sure many can relate to, especially during our schooling years when teachers used the dreaded red pen to highlight our mistakes.
It goes like this: A man was cleaning out his garage and discovered an old graded school paper, full of red corrections. As he read through his work, he couldn’t help but feel judged and inadequate. Powering through the plethora of red scribbles, he discovered a positive comment in blue ink, one he initially overlooked. It said, “You’re improving. You have talent, keep writing.”
Later, during an argument with his wife, he realized he was mentally criticizing her, using the proverbial red pen to highlight her mistakes. He paused and chose instead to look for something positive—a “blue-pen moment”—and understood that she was not trying to argue but was, in fact, wanting to connect and empathize with him. This shift in perspective softened their argument and changed their interaction, not because she became perfect, but because he stopped focusing on her flaws.
Let’s put down the red pen and instead pick a palette of gentle, beautiful colors and begin painting our relationship with brush strokes that create love and harmony. I am sure you will be amazed by the result.
