In my many years as a psychologist, I’ve learned one truth, one that people may not always want to hear: marriage is hard. It takes work, patience, empathy and commitment.
That doesn’t mean marriage should feel like a constant uphill battle, but a relationship without the occasional speed bump is unheard of.
Perhaps your partner wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and snaps at you. This can be a hard pill to swallow—especially when you’re barely awake and not yet fully caffeinated. Your first instinct may be to fire back, “What is your problem?”
Instead, you take a breath, remind yourself that they may not have slept well or have had a difficult morning. You let the comment slide, rather than letting it irritate you for the rest of the day.
Give and take is essential in any long-term relationship. We all have bad days and may lash out, saying something we don’t mean, and we have all been on the receiving end of this too. However, what happens when the difficulties in your relationship begin to take a toll on your emotional and physical well-being?
Maybe you find yourself lying awake at night wondering:
“Should we stay together for the kids?”
“What will my family or friends think if we separate?”
“Am I making the right decision by staying?”
And perhaps the most difficult question of all:
“Is my marriage truly over?”
If you find yourself pondering these questions, making a decision can feel overwhelming and at times impossible. This is why discernment counseling is so important.
A Relationship Crossroads
In many struggling relationships, couples find themselves in what is described as a “mixed-agenda” situation. One partner is leaning out—considering divorce and looking for the off-ramp. The other is leaning in—hoping to repair the relationship and restore the connection they once shared.
When partners are moving in different directions, traditional couples therapy may not be the right starting point. Seeking advice from a professional discernment counselor allows you space to step back, understand your needs, and decide what you truly want moving forward.
What Is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling is a short-term, structured, and highly specialized process designed to help couples gain clarity and confidence about the future of their relationship.
Typically, it involves one to five sessions and can be particularly helpful when:
- One partner is seriously considering leaving the relationship.
- The other partner wants to save the marriage.
- Both partners feel overwhelmed, confused, or trapped.
- Traditional couples therapy feels overwhelming as you are not yet committed to the same outcome.
The goal of discernment counseling is not to fix the relationship. Instead, the goal is to help each partner gain a clearer understanding of themselves, their role and contribution to the relationship difficulties, and feel confident in their options moving forward.
There is no predetermined outcome. The purpose is to replace uncertainty so that you can make an informed decision about your future.
Dr. Bill Doherty, who developed the discernment counseling model, created this approach to bring empathy, structure, and dignity to one of the most painful crossroads a couple can face.
Three Possible Outcomes
Discernment counseling doesn’t tell you how to repair your relationship. Instead, it helps you slow down, step out of the emotional turmoil, and decide what path makes the most sense for you and your relationship.
There are three possible outcomes:
1. Stay the Course — For Now
Sometimes, after taking a closer look at the relationship, a couple decides not to make any major changes. They choose to continue as they are and see how the relationship progresses.
This is less common, but it is a perfectly valid choice.
2. Move Towards Divorce
If one or both partners conclude that the marriage cannot or should not continue, discernment counseling helps them make that decision with clarity and empathy instead of on impulse.
3. Commit to a Six-Month Reconciliation Plan
If both partners choose to work on their relationship, they enter couples therapy with a clear commitment and a shared understanding of what needs to change.
This third path is often the most transformative because it begins with a genuine effort and commitment from both partners.
Why discernment counseling works
It allows uncertainty without judgment.
Most couples on the brink of divorce are living two very different relationship realities. Discernment counseling allows each partner space to explore their feelings and needs for the future without pressure or judgment.
It reduces emotional reactivity.
Instead of arguing about the relationship, partners reflect on their own contribution to negative patterns.
It creates clarity and reduces impulsive decisions.
Couples often say they feel confused or overwhelmed when considering the future of their marriage. Discernment counseling provides clarity so that decisions are made with confidence and empathy as opposed to fear, anger, or out of impulse.
What Happens in a Session?
Each session includes:
- Time together as a couple
- Individual conversations with your therapist
- Guided insight into the inner workings of your marriage
- Exploring each partner’s hopes, fears, and responsibilities
- A structured decision-making process
Partners leave each session with a deeper understanding of themselves and the relationship—whether they choose to stay together or not.
Discernment counseling is ideal for couples who:
- Are considering divorce
- Have encountered a recent crisis (affair, betrayal, major conflict)
- Feel trapped in repetitive patterns.
- Are unsure whether couples therapy would help
- Want to make a thoughtful, non-reactive decision.
It is not for couples who want to stay together and repair their relationship. Those couples should begin traditional couples therapy.
Why I Offer Discernment Counseling
As a psychologist specializing in couples on the brink, I’ve seen how painful and confusing this stage can be. Many couples come to me and say:
“I don’t know if I want to stay married.”
“I’m done—but I’m not 100% sure.”
“I want to save my marriage, but my partner is halfway out the door.”
“We need help before we make a huge mistake.”
Discernment counseling provides a structured and compassionate space to slow down, take a breath, and look honestly at your relationship. It helps you gain the clarity and confidence to make a thoughtful decision about what comes next—whatever direction you ultimately choose.
If You’re at a Crossroads, You Don’t Have to Navigate It Alone
If you and your partner are unsure whether to stay together or separate, discernment counseling may be exactly what you need. I offer a free 15-minute consultation to help you determine whether discernment counseling is the right next step.