When I think of people in a relationship, I envision a grand ballroom alive with movement. Couples swept up in an intricate dance of action and reaction, each shaping the next in a rhythm of mutual influence.
Some couples glide in perfect harmony. A man in a sharp tailored suit leads with ease while his wife’s glittering skirt flares beneath her as they spin effortlessly across the dance floor.
Other couples, those relatively new to their relationship, step on each other’s feet. She zigs, as he zags, and blushes and apologizes profusely as they try, and often fail, to anticipate their date’s next move.
There is an old couple at the edge of the dance floor. They rest cheek to cheek, their gentle sway barely perceptible, but if you were to look closely, you would see a soft smile on their faces as they move to a beat they know by heart.
Then, near the inner edges of the dance floor, we have the interpretive dancers. This area may not be as hectic as the mosh pit that rages at the very centre of the ballroom, but more often than not, this is where our interpretive dancers land.
Our interpretive dancers are usually very confident in their style because each dancer plays their part to perfection.
Picture a couple on the dance floor, a familiar song begins to play, and they lean confidently into the music. Try as they might, however, the couple can’t keep time with each other. She darts forward, anticipating a spin, and he moves away, startled, deflecting the move. She retaliates and deliberately dances a jig, knowing this infuriates him, and in return, he breaks out in an anger-fueled version of the chicken dance. He knows he looks utterly ridiculous, but he doesn’t care because she hates that dance.
Before long, the interpretive dancers jig and chicken flap their way into the centre of the mosh pit, and without thought or care, they begin head-banging, their hair flying wildly as they kick and stomp along with the rest of the fray.
Their dance only ends when the couple exhaust themselves and both leave the dance floor angry, hurt, and destined for a night in separate bedrooms. The curious thing about human nature is that this is a dance that will be repeated time and time throughout their relationship.
My whimsical analogy refers to a concept psychologists call circular causality. This is the negative dance of cause and effect, where everything inevitably loops back on itself.
Let’s take a married couple, Dave and Rebecca, for example:
Dave comes home late after a stressful day at work, and instead of asking how Rebecca’s day was, he settles into the couch and scrolls through his social media.
Rebecca, feeling ignored, snaps and accuses him of not caring about her.
Dave goes on the defensive and accuses her of always criticizing him.
Rebecca hears this as further confirmation that he doesn’t care and begins yelling at Dave.
Dave, sensing the hostility, tends to shut down in the face of conflict, so he withdraws, trying to avoid escalation.
Rebecca begins following Dave from room to room, seeking a resolution.
Rebecca gets louder, and Dave shuts down. Rebecca becomes louder still, and Dave shuts down even more. They are locked in the negative dance of circular causality.
Each person’s reaction feeds the other, leading to a breakdown in communication, empathy, and closeness.
So, returning to our dance floor analogy, why do some couples seem to know how to dance in perfect synchronicity while others flail around like a toddler on a sugar high?
Those who can dance do so only because they have learnt the skill. It takes time, practice, and, of course, they have spent their own time stuck in the mosh pit, but they knew that was not where they wanted to be.
Here are some tips to help you avoid the trap of circular causality and to improve your emotional dance skills.
Recognize your Patterns
It is important to differentiate whether you are engaging in a one-off argument or you are once again falling into the loop of circular causality.
It can help to give your pattern a name, such as ‘The Shutdown Dance’. Giving this pattern a name externalizes the problem, reducing the blame and making it easier for you to address.
Take Time Apart
Naming your dance gives you and your partner the opportunity to say ‘Hey, I think we are moving towards the Shutdown Dance, time to take a break.’ No blame is placed; both people can move away, head held high.
It takes a minimum of 20 minutes for your nervous system to calm down, so use this time to unwind and promise to return to the conversation after your break. Don’t use time apart as a means of avoidance.
It is important to honor this break. If one person continues provoking the other, the conflict will flare up.
Slow Down and Recognize the Pattern
Once you are calm and clear-headed, reflect on the steps that led to your Shutdown Dance. In the heat of an argument, it is very easy to blame the other person, but it does nothing to solve the underlying issue.
Try to put aside any hurt and evaluate the situation objectively and honestly. The goal isn’t to place blame, but to work together to resolve the issue.
Ask yourself questions such as:
‘Have we had this fight before?’
‘What was said that led to the conflict?’
‘How did the other person react to what I said?’ and vice versa.
Own your Actions
Owning your actions does not mean taking the blame; it means that you acknowledge that your actions and responses, however justified they may feel, contributed to the situation. You both can change the rhythm of the dance, and the earlier you pick up on your cues, the better.
Ask yourself ‘How do I typically react when I feel hurt, upset, or angry?’ You can share this with your partner, as they may not understand. Statements such as ‘When you pull away, I feel rejected’ or ‘Raised voices intimidate me,’ allow open communication without placing blame.
Be Curious
One way to improve your relationship is to learn from your mistakes. When your break is over and you are both feeling calm, ask your partner why they thought the conversation began to spiral.
‘How do you feel when I pull away?’ Genuinely listen to their response, as it can be easy to plan your rebuttal as they talk. The goal is an open, honest conversation where you learn about each other’s emotions.
Externalize the Situation
This takes practice, but try to externalize the situation. Imagine you are viewing the argument as a separate entity, as if it had happened to another couple. This allows you to remove the emotion and evaluate the situation objectively.
Ask each other what they would do to resolve the situation, what steps they would take to prevent the argument, and use this as an opportunity to both learn and problem-solve together.
Repair and Reconnect
Every couple has its version of the Shutdown Dance. The key to success is to recognize the pattern, understand your part, and learn to repair through apology, understanding, and empathy.
Honest statements such as ‘I see how my actions hurt you, that was not my intention, and I am so sorry’, help mend bridges. Accept the apology, even if it may not be worded perfectly or encompass the depth of the hurt.
Reconnecting does not instantly erase the pattern, but it does build trust and allows for open and honest dialogue in the future.
Discover the Joy of a New Dance
Once you have an open dialogue, you can learn new techniques and steps to avoid your negative dance. Sharing tips such as ‘When I raise my voice, can you gently remind me to be calm’ or ‘If you feel like shutting down, can you tell me before disappearing?’ helps de-escalate so that you can talk openly and honestly.
Relationships are a dance, where every twist and turn calls for awareness, practice, and heartfelt commitment to growth.
By recognizing the patterns that lead to circular causality, such as the Shutdown Dance, couples learn to adjust their movements to work together harmoniously, refining their steps and strengthening their connection, and avoiding this negative dance in the future.
To learn more about recognizing destructive patterns of blaming and avoiding responsibility, download our mini-course, “Why Couples Fight: A Psychologist’s Guide to Understanding Relationship Conflict.”
In this mini-course, we emphasize the importance of centering your mind and body, creating a state of mental and physical calm. We teach you the value of being mindful of your emotions and the importance of acting objectively rather than subjectively. Additionally, we explore concepts such as ‘dropping the bone’, mastering the art of taking the high road in an argument, and how to deflect sarcasm. While these skills are crucial to every relationship, they are often overlooked. Here, we guide you and help you develop these essential skills so that you can rely on them when stress and conflict inevitably arise.
Our entire course is also available on our website, as well as books, our blog, and other classes. www.angercoach.com, follow the link and start your journey to a harmonious relationship.
