“You know Doc, it’s not my fault people don’t understand me. If they could only see the situation from my point of view, I wouldn’t get angry. You know what I mean?”
Of course, I know what he meant. If only life took us by the hand and led us down a path paved with conflict-free interactions and harmonious outcomes, wouldn’t that be sweet? However, navigating life is challenging, and sometimes we are met with spite, anger, and injustices beyond our control.
We live in a world of increasing hostility, where people’s opinions have become vastly divided, with some even unwilling to consider another’s point of view, much less talk about potential commonalities. This is a time when politics are at the forefront of many people’s minds. I have seen rifts form within my own friend circles, decades-long friendships destroyed over a choice in political views.
These are unprecedented times, and when dealing with unusual stress levels, it is perfectly natural to feel anger or frustration, especially when we are justly or unjustly criticized, when we feel disrespected or treated with contempt, or when others rage at us for any number of reasons. So, when we find ourselves overwhelmed, it helps to have some tools to cope and stay calm during conflict.
Techniques such as learning not to take the bait, deescalating the situation, and not retaliating with more anger are critical when trying to resolve conflict and reduce anger and stress in our lives.
Strategy 1: Take a Time Out and Cool Down
This means assertively choosing not to address the situation at that moment and taking time out to gather your thoughts and emotions. This pause allows you to deal with the problem when you are in a calmer frame of mind, bringing a sense of control and peace, and relieving the immediate tension.
This does not mean you should avoid the problem; quite to the contrary, it means dealing with it when you can think clearly, your emotions are under control, and you can speak to the other person without the anger and emotion that may inflame the problem.
When you retreat before an argument becomes heated, you allow your emotional and thinking brain to work together so that you can understand your emotions and verbalize them effectively while considering another’s feelings. This is taking the high road in an argument.
Strategy 2- Drawing a Line in the Sand
Sometimes, a conversation becomes so heated that escalation is the only outcome. When this occurs, you can draw a line in the sand.
This involves calmly but firmly standing up to the angry person while setting boundaries and limits. This means letting them know you will no longer tolerate their behavior and that the relationship will be severely injured if it continues.
This strategy also goes hand in hand with Strategy 1. If someone is raging at you and the argument has escalated, calmly state your intentions to cease the conversation and state that it can be continued when calmer heads prevail. This shows that you will not tolerate being spoken to in a hostile manner, but you are also willing to try to resolve the issue later, allowing both parties to save face.
Strategy 3 – Agree to Disagree
We all have disagreements, but trying to relate to others without conflict is essential. Understanding why a person feels a certain way or has a particular point of view, free from prejudice, allows you to empathize emotionally with them. You may disagree with their opinion, but when you begin to understand the other person’s point of view, what initially seems irrational becomes something you may come to understand. This understanding fosters a sense of connection, mutual respect, and a deeper understanding of the other person’s perspective.
The more we practice using empathy, the easier it becomes to deescalate arguments and retain the friendships and relationships we hold dear.
These three strategies are not just theoretical concepts but powerful tools that can transform how we deal with defensive anger in relationships and other life situations.
Enrolling in our online anger course or one of our many online education programs can help you learn more about these strategies and how to apply them effectively.
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The AngerCoach now offers its acclaimed and widely-accepted anger management program online. Dr. Fiore, a Ph.D. psychologist with over 35 years experience, developed this completely web-based program with the same content as in his local person anger management classes.
Many clients are unable to attend in-person classes due to busy schedules, or cannot find classes that are conveniently located near their work or home. AngerCoach Online is perfect for anyone who needs an anger management program for personal development, to satisfy a court requirement, or to comply with workplace requirement. Couples can also take the course together and apply the eight tools of anger control to their relationship or marriage.
Have a great day,
Dr. Tony Fiore.
