Throughout my life, I have seen political opponents come and go, listened to people speak of their differing opinions, and watched the events surrounding Washington play out without directly impacting my practice. However, our political climate has been so emotionally charged over recent years that the divide between sides has never been more significant.

In my practice, I have couples come to me for help with matters such as infidelity, differences in parenting practices, and couples who can never see eye to eye or are struggling with perpetual issues. However, until recently, I had never had a couple seek my help due to differences in political matters.

For today’s article, let’s examine the political divide that has disrupted Sean and Tasha’s relationship and learn how they can still respect each other’s opinions without becoming nasty.

Sean and Tasha were married for ten years. For seven of these years, politics rarely even entered their conversation. Neither had any strong opinions about sides and when the nightly news came on, the tousle between political opponents was simply background noise. However, this changed about three years ago when both became heavily invested in politics and divided themselves in opinion.

At first, they could talk to each other about their views and beliefs, and despite disagreeing with each other’s views, their marriage was still harmonious. They could argue their differences without it becoming problematic.

However, recently, their arguments escalated to the extent that they were sleeping in separate bedrooms. The mere choice of which news station to watch created an almost instant argument. They explained that even though they loved each other, they were at their wit’s end and desperately needed my help.

So, what can we do to help Sean and Tasha? Everyone in any relationship has differences of opinion. From friends having a tiff over a meme they didn’t find amusing to a couple with different work ethics. Our differences are unavoidable; in fact, they keep life interesting. How we act when these disagreements occur can strengthen our relationship or divide us as a couple.

Sean and Tasha 

Let’s take a peek behind the curtain: Sean and Tasha come home from work, and Sean switches the news on. His station is tuned to Tasha’s political opponent, and instantly, her back is up. She is on the defensive and, after a short time, begins yelling at the television. Her beliefs are being challenged, and emotionally, she is on the defensive.

Sean, annoyed by Tashas’s reaction, begins arguing and defending his political views, which are being mirrored on the TV show. And the argument is in full swing. They are no longer listening to the news; the news was simply a trigger for a long-standing argument for which they feel there is no resolution.

They begin with raised voices, which evolves into a huge argument, escalating to them yelling at each other. Eventually, Sean storms off. The night ends with them sleeping in separate rooms, physically and mentally alone. The sad part is that Sean and Tasha love each other dearly. They both want their relationship to work, but neither has any idea how to make this happen.

So, what can be done? Should one person change their political views? That would fix everything, right? Unfortunately, not. My job as a psychologist is not to change someone’s mind but, in this case, to help them understand their feelings and learn to empathize with their partner while using the tools, I teach both in my practice and courses to repair and restore their relationship. 

Sean and Tasha can begin by making small lifestyle changes to help calm the tension, such as agreeing to listen to the news on their own devices or with earphones to help reduce stress in the home. Implementing and making little changes allows the couple to focus on building and learning techniques such as empathy, active listening, and respecting each other’s differences. Working with the love they share, these changes, combined with the tools they learn, will help repair and restore their relationship to harmony.

Tools of the Trade

Empathy is a tool we can all benefit from in everyday life. To empathize is to look at the world through another person’s eyes and try to understand their point of view without inserting your opinion into the equation. Sean and Tasha may disagree with each other’s point of view, but by using empathy, they can open up the communication channels and begin lovingly talking to each other.

How do they do this?

Actively listening to another person allows us to understand the other’s point of view without judgment, interruption, or thinking about our response as someone speaks. 

To actively listen, focus on what the other person is saying and their emotion and body language as they speak. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings when replying, even if you may not relate.

Let your partner know you want to understand their feelings and support them. Simple phrases like, “I can see why you feel that way,” can go a long way. When we feel heard and understood, we build trust, which allows us to address more difficult or emotionally charged topics in the future.

Centre Yourself, Stay Calm

To understand someone else’s point of view, you must first be aware of your own emotions. When entering emotionally charged conversations, take the time to center yourself, be mindful of your breathing, and, if needed, step away from the conversation. Resume when you feel in control of your emotions.

Agree to Disagree

It is okay to disagree, but trying to relate to others without conflict is essential. Sean may disagree with Tasha’s opinions, but it would help if he could understand why she feels this way. Once the lines of communication are open and you can speak without it turning into an argument, you begin to understand the other person’s point of view, and what initially seemed irrational becomes something you understand. You may still not agree with their line of thinking. Still, you are talking with each other, being open to each other’s opinions, and showing the person you love that despite the differences of opinion, you still care deeply for them and want to repair what is broken.

In these highly charged emotional times, being kind to those around us is essential, especially those we hold dear. Differences of opinion and conflict are a natural part of everyday life; how we choose to handle these issues makes all the difference.  

Learn to use empathy when you are confronted with an opinion or viewpoint that is against your own; the more empathy we show, the calmer and kinder our world can be. And in these tumultuous times, think about those you love. When you see them next, hold them close and tell them how much they mean to you. At the end of the day, we all need a good hug.

To learn more about empathy and its importance in your relationship, download our mini-course, “Understanding Your Partner: Unveiling The Secrets To A Deeper Connection” for $24.95

In this course, we teach you the art of Irimi. Here, you learn to focus on your partner while centering yourself using your ‘wise adult’ frame of mind. Irimi involves using cognitive empathy to understand your partner’s perspective from a loving and harmonious place. We cover six techniques designed to foster an environment of unity and togetherness, making it difficult for continued hostility.

Our entire course, books, blog, and other classes are available on our website.

Expectation. This single word can cause so much conflict in a relationship. At some point, we all have expectations in a partnership, such as how the other person will behave, think, or feel, and these expectations stem from our own world experiences and personal values.

When our expectations are not met, we can feel irritated, neglected, or hurt; however, when our wants or needs are unspoken, this adds a level of complexity to the relationship that will almost ultimately end in an argument.

Let’s take a peek at Brittany and Clive, who recently went on a romantic holiday but ended up arguing the entire time.

Hawaii was the destination of choice, and as they landed in Honolulu, Brittany, and Clive were excited. They arrived at the hotel room, and after unpacking, Clive clicked on the TV and rang for room service, asking Brittany what she wanted from the menu. Slightly put out, Brittany replied, “I don’t want anything. I thought we were heading down to the pool for a cocktail, and we could grab a bite to eat down there.”

And so began the first of their many arguments, each disagreement adding a layer of tension to their once harmonious relationship.

Brittany wanted to go to the Cheesecake Factory for her birthday dinner and take a walk along the beach afterward. Instead, Clive surprised her with a sunset dinner cruise. Unable to resist the open bar, he ended up getting very drunk, embarrassing and angering Brittany.

Clive was eager to go on the ATV tour they offered on the island, while Brittany had envisioned sampling all the local cuisine Hawaii had to offer and lounging by the pool. Both had a very different holiday in mind, and the unfortunate truth was that they were so caught up in the pre-trip preparations that they neglected to discuss their expectations. They would have realized that their ideal holiday plans were vastly different if they had.

Expectations are a part of every relationship; they influence how we perceive and interact with each other. However, unmet expectations can lead to conflict, disappointment, and hurt.

It is crucial to make time for open and regular conversations about your expectations in a relationship. This could be as simple as discussing who will prepare the meal during the week or as significant as planning activities for a holiday. Express yourself clearly and kindly, and make sure to ask the other person about their expectations and the outcome they envision. You’ll be surprised at how much conflict can be avoided when everyone is on the same page.

I am pleased to announce the launch of our new FREE Mini-Course titled “What Role Does Conflict Play in Your Relationship?”

This FREE mini course is the introduction to my popular series: “Anger and your relationship: The road to repair”. In this course, I offer 3 lessons that help you understand how and why conflict may be playing a role in your relationship. Upon completing the course, you will receive a special offer for future courses.

This course features the following:

• Online class based on material developed by Dr Tony Fiore specific to anger and relationships
• 3 professionally created videos that explain the concepts and enhance your online learning experience
• Short and fun quizzes to give you feedback on your progress in learning the material
• Downloadable PDFs containing worksheets for you to complete at your leisure so that you can record and evaluate your progress through the program

The course is designed to provide you with a unique set of tools to turn to in times of stress.

Click here to download.

Have a wonderful day,

Dr. Tony Fiore.

Take the High Road.

In my previous post, we learned what happens to our bodies in times of stress, how our brain releases stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, and how this quickly begins to course through our bodies, increasing our heart rate and blood pressure.

In this post, I explain how to take the high road to de-escalate arguments and restore harmony in your marriage.

The technique I teach is straightforward in theory, but it takes work, time, and practice. Having some basic rules to fall back on in times of stress helps.

Rule #1

You, and only you, can apply this tool. You can not demand your partner follow suit and tell them it is time for them to retreat. This will only further stoke the coals and may result in a rip-snorting, roof-raising argument you are trying to avoid.

Rule #2

It is time to practice your agreed-upon ‘Rules of Governance’, covered in our mini-course. Whether you have just started dating or are 40 years into your marriage, this is a must for any couple.

The Rules of Governance are an agreed-upon set of rules you rely on in good and bad times. This is the perfect time to set an agreed-upon rule: if one person feels that the conversation is getting heated and they think they need to retreat, then the discussion is shelved; you take time to gather your thoughts, no questions asked.

Rule #3

Research shows that it takes 20 minutes to one hour before our bodies return to equilibrium after a stressful encounter. Give yourself time to calm down when you step away from the argument, but reassure your partner by giving them an approximate time frame when you will resume the conversation. This way, they do not feel abandoned; you are reassuring them that you know this is important to them, and you and they don’t feel abandoned.

Ensure you resume the conversation later and within an agreed-upon timeframe as opposed to the problem becoming permanently shelved.

There are a few ways you can approach this. Something as simple as:

 “Hon, I need to take some time to myself; I am not thinking straight and don’t want to say something I don’t mean.”

Or

“Let’s shelve this conversation just for now. I want to discuss this; it is important, but give me a little time. I love you; we will work this out together.”

Offering reassurance that you care about their feelings and want to solve the issue helps your partner understand that you are not simply running away from the problem but doing the responsible thing and addressing it when you are in a better frame of mind.

Rule #4

Refrain from drinking or using illicit substances during your time out. This will only impair your ability to think effectively and will work against you because your partner may rightly think you are not taking the problem seriously if you are drunk or high.

Rule #5

Be mindful of who you speak with during your retreat time. Our instinct is to turn to those who will side with us during a heated argument. We all like to have our feelings validated, but this can work against us as it may impair our clarity of thought and push us firmly in a direction where we refuse to compromise.

We turn again to our Rules of Governance. Here, you may agree not to discuss problems within the relationship with others. Doing so may permanently change their view and color their opinion of the other person.

Here is one example:

Sam and Jeremy had been married for almost 15 years. Both couples got along famously with their in-laws. Sam and Jeremy both weathered the ups and downs of their relationship, but they never spoke ill of each other to family and friends.

One day, Jeremy was using Sam’s laptop as his computer was in the shop being repaired. He was sending an email when a message came in from a name he did not recognize. Without thinking, he clicked on the email only to find another man sending suggestive emails to his wife. He scrolled through the email chain and was devastated to discover his wife had sent the same to him.

Jeremy’s first instinct was to pick up the phone and call his parents. Understandably, he reached out to them, but unfortunately, this permanently changed how his parents viewed their daughter-in-law.

Ultimately, the couple reconciled, but Sam’s relationship with Jeremy’s parents was forever broken. Holidays became a point of contention, and no matter what Sam did and despite her now unwavering loyalty to her husband, Jeremy’s parents refused to trust her.  

Use Your Time Wisely.

When we disengage from an argument, we sometimes do not know what to do with ourselves. It is hard to think straight when you are fuming, angry, and emotionally upset.

So, what should you do? I suggest taking time for yourself and not involving others. Do something that helps calm you and distract you so that you can begin to gather your thoughts.

Some of my patients like to play a game on their iPads. Others prefer to spend time with a beloved pet who helps soothe them. I know one person who, when they need to step away, takes their dog for a walk. 

Once you can calm your nerves, think clearly, and your emotions have returned to normal, it is time to begin thinking about the issue.

Try using a technique called Self-Talk. This helps you change the internal conversations you have in your head from negative to positive, and you can put the problem into perspective without your emotions taking hold.

Try writing down topics you would like to discuss when you come back together. This way, you can think clearly and don’t have to worry about forgetting something important.

Arguments occur within every relationship; how we learn as a couple to overcome differences and make the necessary changes creates a harmonious relationship. 

Your relationship and bond with your partner will strengthen each time you use this technique as issues are aired and solved. Always remember, if in doubt, step away, gather your thoughts, and let cooler heads prevail.

To learn more about taking the high road and self talk, download our mini-course “Discover Harmony In Your Relationship: A Psychologist’s Guide To Conflict Resolution.” 

This mini course introduces you to the concept and principals of Verbal Aikido and its application in marital communication. Verbal Aikido empowers you to resolve marital conflict in a harmonious manner that fosters unity in your relationship. We then explore the importance of emotional connection and how modern day technology has entirely changed our communication methods. Finally, we learn about conflict igniters, what this is, how this behaviour leads to contention and disharmony and we teach you how to address these behaviours effectively and harmoniously to achieve resolution.

This course features the following:

• Online class based on material developed by Dr Tony Fiore specific to anger and relationships
• 4 professionally created videos that explain the concepts and enhance your online learning experience
• Short and fun quizzes to give you feedback on your progress in learning the material
• Downloadable PDFs containing worksheets for you to complete at your leisure so that you can record and evaluate your progress through the program

If you would like to schedule and appointment with me, please click here

How to Let Calmer Heads Prevail. Part one.

Cassie and Phil loved each other dearly but often found themselves in heated verbal battles over almost anything and everything. The most minor disagreements quickly became a full-fledged war over who was right and who was wrong.

This left Cassie and Phil feeling exhausted, emotionally disconnected from each other, nursing hurt, and harboring resentment that grew with each argument. 

When an argument ensued, both immediately went on the defensive; their bodies moved into fight or flight mode, and they hurled insults and comments they would never say when their minds were reasoning. 

Much hurt and resentment could be alleviated if they learned to “Retreat and Think Things Over.” However, many factors prevented them from doing this. First, let us look under the hood and see what happens biologically when we argue.

What Happens to Our Bodies When We Feel Anger?

The first thing that happens is our brain releases stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. This quickly begins to course through our bodies, increasing our heart rate and blood pressure (this is why some people feel their face flush when stressed.)

Muscle tension and heightened awareness are also felt, helping us with our instinct to either fight or flee.

However, as some senses are heightened, our reasoning ability decreases markedly. This can lead to verbally responding in a manner we would not do under normal circumstances. 

Unfortunately, our body’s reaction to anger and stress can also lead to some people acting or behaving in a physically or verbally aggressive manner. There is a technique I teach to my patients to prevent arguments from escalating. However, there is a small catch.

The Solution Sounds Easy…But Is It?

Walking away from a heated argument allows you to process the physical response within your body, calm down, and resume the conversation when you can both reason and think calmly and without heightened emotion.

However, this advice I offer my patients, especially those seeking anger management, sounds very simple. Still, in reality, it is much harder to put into practice.

As I mentioned earlier, when the brain floods with our fight or flight hormones, it can reach a point of no return where one or neither partner backs down. Both choose to argue to the bitter end and say and do things they later regret.

One may accuse the other of “avoiding” or “running away” from the problem. The other may feel invalidated, or that a resolution must occur, and by walking away, their partner is refusing to confront the issue and find a solution.

Worse still is when one partner needs space and the other, instead of allowing them the time to cool down, follows them from room to room, escalating the argument and leaving the other with no means of escape.

This is a no-win situation for all involved. So, how do we approach this so that both couples feel validated and issues can be broached and resolved even when heated conflict arises?

What are the Warning Signs?

You may be laser-focused on your physiological responses when engaging in a heated argument. However, it is essential to be aware of the external factors in most arguments that warn you it is time to walk away and calm down.

• Feeling overwhelmed.
• Raised voices.
• Feeling your temper rise or getting out of control.
• Feelings of negativity and being unable to focus on your thoughts.
• The argument escalates rapidly.
• Unable to speak logically and being aware of this.
• Wanting to move away or flee from the fight.
• Heat racing, muscles tensing.
• Minor issues suddenly become significant problems.
• Inability to calm yourself and reason during the argument.

Why Retreating to Think Things Over Works.

Temporarily distancing yourself allows you time to calm down, for your body and the hormones to return to normal, and for your brain to go back to its normal state, allowing you to think clearly and rationally. 

Take the High Road.

During a heated argument, our emotional brain takes over from our thinking brain. When this happens, our brain is taking the low road, the path that allows our brain to think on its fundamental level. Our emotional brain doesn’t care for diplomacy, politeness, or the feelings of the person you love most. 

When you retreat before an argument becomes heated, you allow your emotional and thinking brain to work together so that you can understand your emotions and verbalize them effectively while considering your partner’s feelings. This is taking the high road in an argument.

So, How Do I Take the High Road?

In theory, this technique is straightforward, but it takes work, time, and practice, and it helps to have some basic rules to fall back on in times of stress. Stay tuned for part two where I teach you the steps to take the high road and how to overcome differences and make the necessary changes creates a harmonious relationship.

To learn more, download our mini-course, “Why couples fight: A Psychologist’s guide to understanding relationship conflict.”

In this mini-course, we emphasize the importance of centering your mind and body, creating a state of mental and physical calm. We teach you the value of being mindful of your emotions and the importance of acting objectively rather than subjectively. Additionally, we explore concepts such as “dropping the bone,” mastering the art of taking the high road in an argument, and how to deflect sarcasm. While these skills are crucial to every relationship, they are often overlooked. Here, we guide you and help you develop these essential skills so that you can rely on them when stress and conflict inevitably arise.

Our entire course is also available on our website, as well as books, our blog, and other classes. www.angercoach.com, follow the link and start your journey to a harmonious relationship. 

To schedule an appointment, please click here.

Long-term relationships come with a myriad of challenges. From learning to accept quirks that grate your nerves to reconciling after a full-blown argument. Every relationship has highs and lows; it helps us grow together and understand and respect each other’s boundaries. We discover what we are willing to change within reason and what is a core part of us that is set in stone. 

What happens when we hold onto resentment, nursing something from our past that caused deep hurt, and from this, an argument keeps recurring? An argument that, during times of stress, rears its ugly head and worms its way into every fight. Are you able to, or should you, forgive this hurt and learn tolerance for the differences you share?

Forgiveness is a complicated decision that must be made individually and privately. If you want to learn how to forgive but are unsure how here are two strategies to help you:

Forgiveness Strategy #1 – You Can Forgive, but Should You Forget?

Forgiveness allows you to heal, move on, and build a happy relationship while learning from the past; forgetting the event is another. You must remember the past, as this serves as a means of protection for us in the future. Holding onto past hurt can be equally damaging as trying to ignore it. Forgiveness is the key. Forgiveness is remembering without the pain. 

Let’s look at one example:

After ten years of marriage, Cassie and Richard fell into a well-worn routine. Cassie stayed home to care for their young children, and Richard worked long hours at the office. Routine soon turned to boredom for Cassie as she began spending time on social media. She soon struck up a friendship with a man who held very similar interests to hers, and in a tale as old as time, the friendship turned more serious. 

Richard, becoming suspicious of his wife’s increased secrecy, snooped and soon discovered his wife was having an emotional affair with a man from the other side of the world.

Richard was devastated; he had never strayed despite opportunities, and he was deeply hurt that his wife would break the trust he had carefully given her. Cassie took an offensive stance and, instead of apologizing, defended her actions by saying she never actually cheated. She reasoned how she could cheat on a man who was thousands of miles away.

The affair ended, and the couple chose to remain together; however, Richard, who forgave Cassie, could never forget the event. Cassie was incensed that her husband would not simply forget the betrayal that took place. 

I explained to Cassie that the human mind does not work that way; one can’t forget, but you can choose to forgive. Forgiving allows Richard to remember the event but let go of the pain and anger he once held.

Allow yourself to forgive while learning from the past

Forgiveness Strategy #2 – Forgiving does not mean you condone the behavior.

Ego and pride are powerful emotions, and many times, they can prevent us from forgiving, even if, deep down, we genuinely want to. Sometimes, family members or friends reinforce a grudge, enabling us to nurse our ill feelings. 

Other times people take a ‘get even’ approach, believing ‘tit for tat’ will somewhat even the score. This is destructive and immature and often leads to the collapse of a once-strong relationship.

For example:

Whenever Michelle and Damien fought, they became trapped in a battle of the wills. Nothing irritated Michelle more than when her husband left his dirty dishes on the counter, so whenever a fight ensued, the dishes began appearing on the counter.

Michelle knew her husband’s games and refused to clean up his mess. Dishes began to pile up, and the resentment grew until Michelle eventually ran out of crockery, gave in, and washed his dirty dishes. When I asked Damien why he did this, he replied, ‘Show her how angry I am.’

I explained to Damien during one of our sessions how counterproductive his behavior was and that just because Michelle gave in and washed the dishes did not mean he ‘won’ the fight or that she in any way condoned his behavior.

Damian stopped using the dishes to punish his wife. Over time, they learned to communicate their feelings, de-escalating disagreements by taking time apart to cool down and then coming together and talking when thinking logically and not with the reactive side of their brain. (link to that article).

When you practice forgiveness and acceptance by developing the skill of tolerance towards differences in opinions, values, and diverse lifestyles, you discover a new way to navigate life’s difficulties.

To learn more about recognizing destructive patterns of blaming and avoiding responsibility, download our mini-course, “Why Couples Fight: A Psychologist’s Guide to Understanding Relationship Conflict.”

In this mini-course, we emphasize the importance of centering your mind and body, creating a state of mental and physical calm. We teach you the value of being mindful of your emotions and the importance of acting objectively rather than subjectively. Additionally, we explore concepts such as “dropping the bone,” mastering the art of taking the high road in an argument, and how to deflect sarcasm. While these skills are crucial to every relationship, they are often overlooked. Here, we guide you and help you develop these essential skills so that you can rely on them when stress and conflict inevitably arise.

Our entire course is also available on our website, as well as books, our blog, and other classes. www.angercoach.com, follow the link and start your journey to a harmonious relationship. 

To schedule an appointment, please click here.

I am pleased to announce the release of my new online couples course called “Anger and your relationship: The road to repair”. This new course has been designed from the ground-up to be taken as a solo course (meaning you don’t have to take it with your partner) or as a course that couples can both take together. Regardless of how you decide to take it, the principles taught will help you whether your partner participates or not!

6 modules and 23 lessons to help your relationship be the best it can be

My course is designed to provide you with a comprehensive understanding of the dynamics of a relationship, the root causes of the issues you experience and provides you with a unique set of tools to turn to in times of stress. 

Learn practical techniques with tutorial videos voiced by Dr Tony Fiore

Each lesson features a professionally created video tutorial where I walk you through the steps and techniques taught throughout the course. Learn from helpful real-world examples from my many years of professional practice. Put the techniques to work in your daily life and see improvements in your relationship – even if your partner does not participate!

This course features the following:

• Comprehensive online class based on material developed by Dr Tony Fiore specific to Anger and relationships
• 23 professionally created videos that explain concepts and enhance your online learning experience
• Many short and fun quizzes to give you feedback on your progress in learning the material
• 48 page downloadable PDF containing worksheets for you to complete at your leisure – including a personal log so that you can record your experiences and evaluate your progress as you continue the program
• More information about the online course
• Register now

Use the code “ACREFER” to receive 10% off

Click here to register

Social awareness plays a crucial role in our interactions with others, yet some people seem completely unaware of the impact they have on those around them. They may unintentionally upset people in various settings, like at work or within their family, yet remain puzzled when confronted with negative reactions.

Their lack of empathy prevents them from understanding how their behavior affects others, resulting in the person continuing their behavior which ultimately results in the same unwanted outcome. It is a vicious cycle that can be hard to break and hurtful for all involved.

To increase social awareness, one effective approach is to operate on two mental levels simultaneously—similar to a computer that is running a main program while having an additional program running quietly in the background.

The main program involves conveying a specific message, such as asking your partner to complete a task within the home or to do something for a family member. Meanwhile, the other program encourages you to envision how you may appear and sound as you deliver this message. You are simultaneously asserting yourself while ensuring you do so in a positive yet kind manner.

A valuable technique I frequently employed in anger management courses involves patients imagining there is a video camera recording their daily interactions. I then encourage individuals to ask themselves:

• “How am I currently presenting myself?”
• “How do others perceive me from their point of view?”
• “Is the message I intend to deliver the same as the one they are receiving?”
  By adopting this dual perspective, you can develop a heightened sense of social awareness, leading to more positive and effective communication with others and within your relationship.

This FREE mini course is the introduction to my popular series: “Anger and your relationship: The road to repair”. In this course, I offer 3 lessons that help you understand how and why conflict may be playing a role in your relationship. Upon completing the course, you will receive a special offer for future courses.

This course features the following:

• Online class based on material developed by Dr Tony Fiore specific to anger and relationships
• 3 professionally created videos that explain the concepts and enhance your online learning experience
• Short and fun quizzes to give you feedback on your progress in learning the material
• Downloadable PDFs containing worksheets for you to complete at your leisure so that you can record and evaluate your progress through the program

This innovative mini course provides you with an insight into the dynamics of your relationship. We show you how to recognize dysfunctional patterns, give insight into why you fight and explore the neurobiological responses of the brain in stressful situations. We then provide you with a set of techniques to follow to effectively and harmoniously address and resolve conflict in your relationship.

This course features the following:

• Online class based on material developed by Dr Tony Fiore specific to anger and relationships
• 3 professionally created videos that explain the concepts and enhance your online learning experience
• Short and fun quizzes to give you feedback on your progress in learning the material
• A downloadable MP3 demonstrating the concepts presented in this mini course

This mini course introduces you to the concept and principals of Verbal Aikido and its application in marital communication. Verbal Aikido empowers you to resolve marital conflict in a harmonious manner that fosters unity in your relationship. We then explore the importance of emotional connection and how modern day technology has entirely changed our communication methods. Finally, we learn about conflict igniters, what this is, how this behaviour leads to contention and disharmony and we teach you how to address these behaviours effectively and harmoniously to achieve resolution.

This course features the following:

• Online class based on material developed by Dr Tony Fiore specific to anger and relationships
• 4 professionally created videos that explain the concepts and enhance your online learning experience
• Short and fun quizzes to give you feedback on your progress in learning the material
• Downloadable PDFs containing worksheets for you to complete at your leisure so that you can record and evaluate your progress through the program

In addressing partner conflict, the first step is not to focus on your partner but on yourself. In this mini course, we emphasize the importance of centering your mind and body, creating a state of mental and physical calm. We teach you the value of being mindful of your emotions and the importance of acting objectively rather than subjectively. Additionally, we explore concepts such as “dropping the bone”, mastering the art of taking the high road in an argument, and how to deflect sarcasm. While these skills are a crucial part of every relationship they are often overlooked. Here we guide you and help you develop these essential skills so that you can rely on them when stress and conflict inevitably arise.

This course features the following:

• Online class based on material developed by Dr Tony Fiore specific to anger and relationships
• 4 professionally created videos that explain the concepts and enhance your online learning experience
• Short and fun quizzes to give you feedback on your progress in learning the material
• Downloadable PDFs containing worksheets for you to complete at your leisure so that you can record and evaluate your progress through the program

In this mini course, we teach you to the art of Irimi. Here you learn to focus on your partner while centering yourself using your ‘wise adult’ frame of mind. Irimi involves using cognitive empathy to understand your partner’s perspective from a loving and harmonious place. There are six techniques that we cover that are designed to foster an environment of unity and togetherness making it difficult for continued hostility. Once you have mastered these steps, you can move on to the next of Verbal Aikido, Aiki.

This course features the following:

• Online class based on material developed by Dr Tony Fiore specific to anger and relationships
• 5 professionally created videos that explain the concepts and enhance your online learning experience
• Short and fun quizzes to give you feedback on your progress in learning the material
• Downloadable PDFs containing worksheets for you to complete at your leisure so that you can record and evaluate your progress through the program

In this mini course, we equip you with the knowledge to not only focus on yourself but also your partner, fostering a team-oriented mindset of ‘we’ and ‘us’ as opposed to seeing each other as adversaries. You learn the techniques grounded in the Aiki principles, gaining the ability to let go of old habits, overcome problems that may feel overwhelming by communicating honestly and harmoniously, and find common ground while cultivating a lasting connection.

This course features the following:

• Online class based on material developed by Dr Tony Fiore specific to anger and relationships
• 4 professionally created videos that explain the concepts and enhance your online learning experience
• Short and fun quizzes to give you feedback on your progress in learning the material
• Downloadable PDFs containing worksheets for you to complete at your leisure so that you can record and evaluate your progress through the program

Relationship research has revealed that a high percentage of relationship issues are unsolvable. These are often called “Perpetual Issues”. Every relationship has these unresolvable issues – but the key difference between successful couples is how they handle these issues.

Learn a basic principle in how successful couples manage to deal with perpetual issues and how you can apply this in your life.

Learn 3 crucial steps to be able to live with a narcissist. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and feel that it is worthwhile staying in the relationship, I provide 5 additional tips on how you can work around the type of narcissist you may be involved with.

Not all narcissists are equal and you can successfully remain in a relationship with them despite their flaws.

A guide for Orange County couples on the brink of divorce

Many couples come to me after they’ve tried traditional marriage counseling. They’re usually frustrated and depressed. One of the most common things they say is: “We tried marriage counseling and it didn’t work!” 

If you feel this way, you’re not alone. But, as you’ll see, there’s hope at the end of the rainbow.

What’s wrong with marriage counseling?

I don’t think there’s anything particularly “wrong” with marriage counseling. (If I did, I wouldn’t still be offering it to Orange County couples on the brink of separation.)

The problem with traditional marriage counseling isn’t related to the therapy itself, or the way it’s delivered. The problem with marriage counseling involves whenit’s delivered.

All too often, however, both parties aren’t fully committed to their partner and the relationship.

In situations like the one described below, even the most skilled therapist and well-planned program doesn’t stand a chance!

Meet Michael and Suzanne

Michael and Suzanne came to a regular marriage counselor following discovery that Michael had been having an emotional affair at work. Suzanne wanted to work on the marriage but Michael said he was out of love and had absolutely no energy to work on it.

Michael was convinced that he and Suzanne were basically incompatible. Because of this, he said that no feelings were left for her. The relationship had been more about raising the children than paying attention to each other. He felt disconnection, emptiness, and loneliness. Suzanne, for her part, still loved Michael and desperately wanted to try to repair things before filing for divorce. 

In this case, Suzanne was more motivated for marriage counseling because she had at least one very strong reason (among others) to want the marriage to work: she still loved Michael. But, why would he want marriage counseling to improve communication in a marriage that he thought ultimately was doomed because of core incompatibility? From his point of view, this was akin to going through the pain of cancer treatment when the outcome was bleak to begin with. He had to decide if it was worth it or not.

Mixed-agenda couples

Michael and Suzanne were a mixed-agenda couple. They were not committed to divorce, but they weren’t equally committed to working on the marriage either. Many couples are in this category. They often seek marriage counseling with disappointing results.

Research shows that mixed-agenda couples represent a meaningful subset—up to 30%–of couples presenting for therapy. Mixed-agenda couples respond differently to therapeutic interventions than couples who both want to work on the relationship.

Yet, until now, there has been a lack of treatment protocols in standard marriage counseling to work with these couples. As a result, mixed-agenda couples remain at high risk for divorce.

Leaning-in versus Leaning-out

The partner who is highly motivated to work things out is described as “leaning in”. In our example, this would be Suzanne. She was willing to forgive Michael and examine her role in the demise of their marriage.

Michael, however, viewed her as over-controlling, needy, and critical. Suzanne made him feel like a scolded child in his home. This was theoretically fixable!As a leaning-in partner Suzanne was ready to start therapy to stabilize her rocky marriage.

Michael, was the “leaning-out” partner. Like many leaning-out partners, Michael was almost “out the door” emotionally, but was hanging in there basically for the children. On the brink, he wasn’t sure what to do. He was miserable and confused; he saw no hope or possibility for change on the part of Suzanne. He feared that his feelings for Suzanne were gone, especially when compared them to the swelling of feelings stirred up in him when interacting with his peer at work with whom he was having an emotional affair. Simply put, Michael was resistant to therapy.

Leaning Out partners need a reason to want to participate in traditional marriage counseling.But, often they have lost their emotional energy to engage in the process of marriage counseling. They no longer want their partner enough to personally go through the pain of counseling – even though they don’t want to lose their family.

With such low motivation, traditional marriage counseling is doomed to failure, frustrating both the clients and the therapist.

Each partner needs their own reason to participate

For any chance of success, mixed-agenda couples first need a process wherein each partner individually (instead of together which often occur in regular marriage counseling) can be helped to understand their different contributions to the marital dysfunction.

They also need to explore and see more possibilities of ways each might changeto give the marriage hope for survival. They need to try and change their attitudes and perspective of change itself….and the possibilities that might bring.

As a leaning-In partner, Suzanne’s motivation to participate in successful marriage counseling would obviously be to save her marriage which she still values. She still loves her husband and has a lot of hope that things can turn around.

Michael, on the other hand, as the leaning-out partner would need a lot of work to be convinced that there are reasons for him to put forth effort to save his marriage. This would be done individually and would involve helping him see the potential for change. He would be asked to consider his role or contribution to the emotional distancing that had developed between him and Suzanne over the years.  

Michael would need to explore ways he could change those things and see that it may be possible to do so. He would also need to explore what he may have overlooked through the years in terms of ways that he and Suzanne might develop more common interests instead of just focusing on incompatibilities.

Discernment counseling before marriage counseling

Recently, after years of research, Dr. William Doherty, at the University of Minnesota, has developed a process called Discernment Counseling.

Discernment Counseling is a highly-focused, short-term (1 to 5 session) protocol that paves the way for successful marriage therapy.

Its goal is to help both partners decide with increased clarifyand confidencewhat direction they, as a couple, should take. It also increases each partner’s understandingof their own role or contribution to the state of their marriage.

Once these issues have been dealt with, it is easier for couples on the verge of breakup to decide which path they should take regarding the future of their marriage: intense marriage counseling is just one of the paths.

Three paths mixed-agenda couples can take

Discernment Counseling helps couples make better decisions in less time, with fewer angry sessions. There are three possible outcomes to Discernment Counseling:

• Path 1 – Keep things as they are.Few couples who come to counseling take this path. Some, however, see it as a temporary solution until they are able to “get their ducks” in a row. They declare a truce until the kids graduate from high school, home price values increase, or a job promotion comes through, etc. Research shows that the average person filing for divorce waits 3 years after their decision before actually doing so.
• Path 2 – Divorce or Separate: About 40 percent of couples who start discernment counseling ultimately choose this path. This path is not seen as a failure, as long as they both have increased clarity and confidence in their decision. They now have a better understanding as to what went wrong in terms of each partner’s contribution.
• Path 3 – Commit to a period of time (usually 6 months) of intensive marital counseling and/or other work (like anger management training or parenting classes) with DIVORCE OFF THE TABLE. Going down this path, the couple could receive traditional marriage therapy. But now therapy would seem to have a much better chance of succeeding. Therapy can be done by the discernment counselor or by another marital therapist familiar with the process.

When a Spouse Doesn’t Want to Have Sex

It has been two months since Janet and Mark have had sex. They’re hardly speaking to each other. If you asked Janet about this, she would say that their home has become a battle zone-they fight about every little thing. Janet goes out of her way to avoid Mark to protect herself from his wrath.

Mark tells a different story. His anger, he believes, is justified. He is fed up with Janet’s lack of interest in their sexual relationship. “She never initiates sex. She recoils when I try to kiss or hug her. I’m tired of being rejected.” To cope with his unhappiness, Mark spends longer hours at work and busies himself on his computer at night, deepening the chasm between them.

Both Mark and Janet think that the other one is to blame for the problems between them. They have hit an impasse. The result: A sex-starved marriage. And sex-starved marriages are surprisingly common. In fact, in about one in three marriages, one spouse has a considerably larger sexual appetite than the other. This in and of itself is not a problem-it’s how couples handle their difference that matters.

Here’s what you need to know to fix a sex-starved marriage and make you both happier…

Yearning for Contact

In a sex-starved marriage, one partner is longing for more touch-both sexual and nonsexual-and the other spouse isn’t interested and doesn’t understand why such a fuss is being made about sex.

The less interested spouse thinks, Is this just about having an orgasm? That’s not such a big deal. But the spouse yearning for more physical contact sees it differently. Being close physically is more than a physical release-it’s about feeling wanted and connected emotionally.

When a misunderstanding of this magnitude happens and the less interested spouse continues to avoid sex, marriages start to unravel. Couples stop spending time together. They quit putting effort into the relationship.

They become more like two distant roommates. Intimacy on all levels ends, which puts the marriage at risk for infidelity or divorce.

Typically, the spouse with the smaller sexual appetite controls the frequency of sex. If she/he (contrary to popular belief, men also can have low sexual desire) doesn’t want it, it generally doesn’t happen.

This is not due to a desire to control the relationship-it just seems unthinkable to be sexual if one is not in the mood.
Furthermore, the lower-desire spouse has the expectation that the higher-desire spouse must accept the no-sex verdict and remain monogamous. The higher-desire spouse feels rejected, resentful and miserable.

How do two people with differing sexual appetites begin to bridge the desire gap? Regardless of where you stand on the sexual-desire spectrum, it’s important to keep in mind that loving marriages are built on mutual care-taking. Don’t wait for your spouse to change first. Be the catalyst for change in your marriage. Here’s how…

If You Are the Lower-Desire Spouse

Just do it-and you may be surprised.Over the years, countless clients in my counseling practice have said, “I wasn’t in the mood to have sex when my spouse approached me, but once we got going, it felt really good. I had an orgasm, and my spouse’s mood really improved afterward.”

Why would that be? For many people, the human sexual response cycle consists of four stages that occur in a certain order-desire (out of the blue, you have a sexy thought)…arousal (you and your partner touch, and your body becomes aroused)…orgasm…and resolution (your body returns to its normal resting state).

But for millions of people, stages one and two actually are reversed. In other words, desire doesn’t come until after arousal. These people must feel turned on physically before they realize that they actually desire sex. Therefore, being receptive to your partner’s advances even from a neutral starting place-when you do not feel desire-makes sense because chances are that sex will be enjoyable for both of you.

Give a “gift.”Let’s face it; there are times when people-even people with the typical desire/arousal pattern-simply don’t feel like having sex. It’s perfectly acceptable to decline your partner’s offer from time to time. But when “no” substantially outweighs “yes,” you are creating deep feelings of frustration and rejection-guaranteed.

What’s the solution to an “I’m not really in the mood for sex” moment? Give a gift-a sexual gift-or to be more blunt about it, pleasure your spouse to orgasm if that’s what he/she wants, even if you’re not in the mood for the same. This is an act of love and caring and completely appropriate within a marriage.
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If You Are the Higher-Desire Spouse

Speak from your heart.If you’re feeling frustrated that your spouse hasn’t understood your need to be close physically, chances are you’ve been irritable and angry. Anger is not an aphrodisiac-it pushes your spouse further away. Press your mental-reset button, and approach your spouse differently. Speak from your heart-express your vulnerability (yes, you are vulnerable, no matter how “tough” you are!) and your hurt.

Example: Instead of saying, “I’m angry that we haven’t had sex in so long,” it’s better to say, “When we don’t have sex for this long, I miss being close to you. I feel disconnected. It hurts my feelings that you don’t seem interested in me sexually.”

Rather than complain, ask for what you want.Complaining, even when it’s justified, leads to defensiveness. Instead, ask for what you want in a positive way.

Example: Instead of saying, “You never initiate sex,” say, “I’d really love it if once in a while, you threw your arms around me and said, ‘Do you want to make love?’ That would make me feel great.”

Figure out what turns your spouse on.If buying sex toys or downloading X-rated videos has failed to entice your spouse to nurture your sexual relationship, there’s probably a reason. Your spouse might need to feel courted by you first.

You might be married to someone who feels more connected to you when you have meaningful conversations…spend enjoyable, uninterrupted time together other than having sex…are more affirming and complimentary…or when you participate in family activities together. This is how your partner feels loved-and the truth is, there are many people who want sexual intimacy only when they feel loved first.

If you’re uncertain about your spouse’s way of feeling cherished by you, ask. Say, “What can I do to make you feel loved?” Believe it or not, meeting your partner’s needs, though different from your own, may be a turn-on for him/her.

Try it.

Source:Michele Weiner-Davis, LCSW, is founder of The Divorce Busting Center in Boulder, Colorado. She is the best-selling author of eight books including Healing from Infidelity, The Sex-Starved Marriageand Divorce Busting. DivorceBusting.com
Publication:Bottom Line Personal

Having been a therapist for over thirty years, I am always pleased to find new ways of helping couples. A few years ago, I discovered a treatment approach by Willard Harley that’s short term and practical. Combined with other techniques that I use, this approach has proven effective. Furthermore, it offers hope to relationships that seem hopeless. I’ve had several successful cases where one member had fallen out of love, ready to leave the relationship. If you’re interested, read on.

We really do keep score: the Love Bank

In relationships, we really do keep score. The way that we “keep score” is not necessarily a conscious one. Our mind automatically keeps an account of how well our partner is meeting our emotional needs. Our partner has a Love Bank of us too. The way it works is simple.

• When we act in a way to please our spouse, we gain points in their Love Bank. When we act in a way to displease them, we lose points.
• Most of us are not aware of our partners needs let alone our own. We frequently give to our mate what we need but often miss the mark in meeting their needs by not giving them what they want.
• There are two ways to increase Love Bank scores:
  • Increase behaviors which meet our spouses important emotional needs.
  • Stop behaviors that make our partner unhappy.
• The latter is called Love Busters.
  • When we have accumulated a plethora of points, we fall in love.
  • When there are less points coming in than are going out; when we are bankrupt or overdrawn, then we fall out of love.

Love Busters

?Love Busters are the things that we do to negatively affect our partner. We lose points in their Love Bank when we exhibit these behaviors. The most common Love Busters include the following:

• Angry outbursts
• Criticalness
• Dishonesty
• Annoying Behavior
• Selfish Demands
• Other “bad behaviour”

I have often found that stopping bad behavior (Love Busters) is often as important as starting good behavior (meeting our spouses Emotional Needs). ??

Emotional Needs

?We all have emotional needs. Furthermore, we have expectations from our partner to meet these needs. Men and Women generally have different emotional needs. Duh! The most common emotional needs for men are:

• Sexual Fulfillment
• Attractive Spouse
• Admiration
• Domestic Support
• Recreational Companionship

The most common emotional needs for women are:

• Affection
• Conversation
• Openness and Honesty
• Family Commitment
• Financial Support

How We Fall In and Out of Love. When we meet someone who makes a favorable impression on us, they will earn points in our Love Bank. For example: Bob is attracted to Jan. She gets 200 points in his love bank just for being pretty. He asks her out. She says yes. She gains another 100 points. They have a good date. She gains another 100 points. After the date she kisses him. It is a very passionate kiss. She gains another 150 points. You get the idea.

Now, what goes up can also go down. Let’s assume that they have been dating for a month and Jan cancels a date with Bob at the last moment. She loses 50 points but already has a score of 1000 so the reserves cover the loss and the relationship is good. If she was to continue to meet Bob’s emotional needs in a meaningful way, then she will have earned a high Love Bank score with Bob and he will fall in love if the score is high enough.

Now, let’s assume that Jan and Bob keep doing a wonderful job in meeting each others needs. They have romantic candle light dinners, great sex and good conversations. Basically, they don’t want to be out of sight of each other. They are crazy about each other. Their Love Bank scores are high and they get married.

Now, let’s suppose that they have been married for several years and have three children. Bob has a new job that requires him to work late so he is not as physically and emotionally available. The children are demanding more of Jan’s attention. She is frequently too tired to have sex and is not as emotionally available to Bob’s needs. Over a period of time, the couple’s emotional needs may not be getting met.

Furthermore, there may be bad habits that may be stealing points from their Love Banks. If their scores drop too low score (in the red, over drawn) they will fall out of love. Bob may all of her emotional needs into her children. These patterns may lead to an affair or a divorce.

So, How Do We Get Back in Love??

First off, many romantics do not think that it is possible to recapture love. Love is like an illusive butterfly. Once it is gone, it is gone and you can’t get it back. Of course, I do not agree with them. If you think of the Love Bank Concept, Just as it is possible to fall out of love, it is possible to fall back in love. Falling in love is achieved by getting a high enough Love Bank Score so that your partner falls in love with you. Gaining points by meeting the partner’s emotional needs can do this. Stop losing points by changing the Love Buster behavior (angry outbursts, dishonesty, etc.)?

Treatment

?Couple’s are made aware of their partners emotional needs. After learning about each other’s needs in detail, they discuss ways to meet these needs. With the help of the therapist, strategies are developed for each partner to meet the other’s needs. Progress is discussed weekly in treatment and revisions are made as needed. This approach used with communication skill building has proven effective.

Rockman Family Counseling Inc
4701 Von Karman, suite 328 Newport Beach, Ca 92660
(949) 230-9602
steverockman@sbcglobal.net
rockmanthx.com

The most valuable thing in a long-term stable relationship is having a partnership, and most new couples don’t realize that money is a major factor in marital happiness. Money is one of the biggest generators of problems, arguments, and resentment in long-term relationships. Couples argue about spending, saving budgeting, and disparity in earnings. When couples have difficulty with money, it can lead to financial infidelity: out-of-control spending, lying and hiding finances; which can destroy the relationship. Overcoming money problems together and working as a team will strengthen the bond between you, and help you create a healthy, lasting partnership.

Money doesn’t have to be a wedge between you and your partner. It can be a great tool for learning more about one another and using money matters as a discussion point can help your relationship grow and thrive. Money can create misery or happiness, depending on how you manage it. Making long-term plans, helping reach goals and improving your quality of life are just some of the things you will be able to accomplish if you work together.

How Men and Women’s Innate Differences Influence Finances

Women’s and men’s brains, and therefore language processing and reasoning, are organized differently. Cultural anthropologists theorize that it’s because of the different survival skills they needed to learn. Research shows that women tend to be good at multitasking, cooperation and relationship-building and less focused on reaching a specific goal. Men are more goal oriented, and less complex thinkers.

When it comes to money, these differences show themselves in financial behavior. When men get into financial trouble, it is often through gambling (cards, stock market, fantasy football) or spending on drugs, porn or male toys like automobiles. Women tend to overspend on fashion, household items or on the kids. Women’s drugs problems often begin with prescription medication. Both genders can get into trouble trying to help family members or children who are out of control. The following guidelines can help couples bridge their money gap.

Money Talks

Money talks need to be a part of scheduling weekly meetings – not just for money, but also for catching up with one another. Bills, social planning, long-term goals and working on your relationship are just some of the issues you’ll discuss. Just sitting down once a week to talk about what happened and bringing the checking account up to date can be a good management tool, a time to talk about long-term plans such as purchasing a house or paying off college debt. Use the time not only to take stock of your finances, but of your relationship, too. Ask each other what is going well and what needs improvement.

If you do it with the right attitude, this weekly meeting will be something that you look forward to, not an ordeal that you dread. As you talk about positive solutions and setting out long-term goals, many financial and other problems will be solved as they arise, and before they become difficult. If you endeavor to share the time and energy in a mutually beneficial way, it can become a social occasion. Make it a pleasant occasion go out to dinner together or wait until the children are asleep or have a late breakfast on a Saturday morning, and use the following guidelines to help you.

Author Bio:Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.(www.tinatessina.com) is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 35 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 14 books in 17 languages.

Many couples in a troubled marriage or relationship don’t really want to get a divorce, and they don’t want to go through marriage counseling right now (or they tried it and it didn’t help), so what are they to do?

The answer is an option that many couples find appealing – something called a “Controlled Separation,”- a concept explained in a 20 year old book titled “Should I Stay or Should I go?”

Controlled separation is a path to take that allows you to time to breathe and give the relationship emotional space so that you can can better make a wise decision with more confidence about the future of your marriage.

In fact, research shows that in a Minnesota sampling of couples that applied for a process called “Discernment Counseling,” 12% of the couples chose this path versus getting a divorce or starting marriage counseling.

It is not a path that most couples take when their marriage is in trouble, but it is an option for certain couples – and may be the best option for you. But for it to work, the separation must have a structure to it. Its purpose is to constructively break the marital impasse and allow for a sane decision whether to stay or go.

What structure is needed, you may ask?

There are 12 items that must be negotiated either by the couple themselves or with the help of a discernment counselor. Many couples prefer an actual written agreement containing this structure, and laying out things like how long the separation will last, how money will be divided during the separation period, how to deal with your children, etc.

Featured photo by engin akyurton Unsplash

The Story of Mary and Bill

Mary and Bill were a nice couple empty nesters. Married 20 years, hey had built a nice life together. Their mortgage was low, their children were in college and doing well, most of the time they got along with each other fairly well. But one day Mary told Bill she thought maybe they should get a divorce. This rocked Bill’s world as he had no idea that she had still been planning this. Sure, she mentioned it several years ago, but then things had actually improved, so Bill figured the storm had passed.

For Bill, the marriage wasn’t perfect, but then he had lower expectations. Most of his unhappiness was in reaction to her unhappiness. He was happy to keep things as they were even though they had little in common anymore. Mary complained that she was emotionally lonely in the marriage, that Bill didn’t communicate with her, that he drank too much, and that he rarely paid attention to her anymore. She suspected he was having at least an emotional affair with a co-worker, though Bill denied this, pleading that they were just close friends.

Should this couple divorce? A look at some facts!

When a marriage is on the brink of divorce, commonly one person wants out more than the other. If couples divorce, seventy percent of the time it is the wife who initiates it. We call this a “mixed-agenda” couple because their interests are not aligned if one wants out more than the other. The “leaning-out” partner, like Mary, is convinced that there is little hope for the marriage, that they don’t want to live the rest of their lives in an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage. Who can blame her?

The “leaning-in” partner, on the other hand, like Bill sees things differently. Often they are desperate to save the marriage and are motivated to do almost anything. Yet, all the thing they are doing often makes things worse.

It is the leaning-out partner who calls most of the shots; in most states, a divorce cannot be prevented if one partner wants it.

To make a decision about divorce, both the leaning-out and leaning-in partners should consider the following statistics:

• Many unhappy marriages recover. In one study, 94% of married individuals – both men and women- who said that their marriage at some point was in trouble also said that they were glad they were still together.
• According to marital researcher Dr Bill Doherty, there is good evidence to suggest that with the proper help and willingness on the part of both spouses, many marriages that might otherwise end in divorce can become healthy, vibrant and supportive.
• For marriages to become happy again, it requires that couples courageously confront their problems, learn specific relationship skills, and commit to staying together for at least a period of time.
• Studies show that, for the most part, those who divorced and even those who divorced and remarried were not happier and better off psychologically than those who remained married.

Source for some of material: Should I Try to Work It Out?Kindle Edition by Alan Hawkins, Tamara Fackrell, Steven Harris.

Most marriages end with a whimper-not a bang!

Most marriages do not end because of high conflict. Most end because of loss of emotional connection with each other. That is, the majority end with a whimper, not a bang. They end like icebergs break up….a tiny fissure that keeps getting bigger and bigger until the two iceberg halves just drift apart one day. Many times, partners later regret divorcing from this type of marriage.?

Should you judge your marriage with a snapshot or a movie camera?

A marriage relationship has developmental stages, just as children go through various stages of growth. Much marital discontent can be seen as “growth pains” as the marriage goes from one stage to another. All kinds of things change as the marriage matures: individual needs, demands on your time, occupational stresses, financial status, parenting responsibilities, partner health status, balance between emotionally merging with your partner yet maintaining your autonomy as a person, degree of empathy you have for each other, life dreams and goals.

Happiness or satisfaction in a marriage waxes and wanes throughout the marriage. It goes in cycles. Just because you take a snapshot of it today and see unhappiness, it doesn’t mean things will necessarily stay that way. Yes, things could get worse; but they also could improve considerably.

Many elderly couples say that even though they had many crises, they are glad they stuck it out because in the “movie camera” view of their marriage, things weren’t that bad and many issues were fixable that seemed hopeless at the time.

Five things each couple should consider before pulling the plug

The decision to divorce or not is often in the hands of the “leaning-out” partner.

Each case is different, so it is wise to seek professional help in sorting through the many issues involved in your particular case. Here are some things to consider:

• High conflict or not. Some marriages end with a bang. We call these high-conflict marriages. Statistics show that unlike other kinds of marriages, high-conflict couples are happier over time if they divorce. No one should remain in an abusive relationship; most healthy people consider continual emotional or physical abuse as non-negotiable deal-breakers as to the continuance of the relationship! And studies show that children generally are better off if high-conflict parents divorce than if they stay together and continue fighting.
• Hard vs soft reasons for divorce. Hard reasons include chronic substance abuse, domestic violence, infidelity, child abuse, or chronic financial irresponsibility. Soft reasons, such as described by Bill and Mary above, include “falling out of love,” “having nothing in common,” and “spending too much time with same-sex friends.” Hard reasons usually justify a divorce; soft reasons can frequently be changed so that divorce can be prevented.
• Potential for change. What is the potential for change in either you or your partner? Some people can and do change; others don’t and have no intention to. Many people fail at marriage not because they are intrinsically bad people or bad marriage partners; it is because they have never learned the skills needed for relationship success. If you or your partner are motivated to learn better skills, the marriage may have a chance. Even if there is infidelity, 50% of marriages now survive – some are even better than they were before the affair!
• How do you see your life improving with the divorce? Even though the grass may look greener on the other side of the fence, remember that the roots of the grass may be covered with manure. Are you miserable because of your marriage or because of you as a person? Remember, no matter where you go, there you are with yourself. Divorce may or may not make you a happier person, it may or may not improve your life.
• Level of commitment for each of you to work on the marriage. Commitment to making a troubled marriage work makes all the difference in the world. Commitment means being willing to do whatever it takes for a period of time (maybe six months) to turn things around. Even if you do it mostly for your children, the important thing is to do it. This might include things like anger management training, getting sober in a rehab program, or devoting more time to the family or relationship.