Can My Marriage Be Saved If My Partner Won’t Participate?
Last Sunday, while scrolling through social media, I stumbled across a delightful cartoon of an ostrich. In the scene, the gangly bird had its head planted firmly in the sand, ignoring its partner who scolded it from behind. Taking advantage of the chaos, their ostrich children fought in the background, kicking up a terrible stink.
The image made me smile because it reminded me of conversations I’ve had in therapy. It often starts with, “Dr. Tony, I really want to save my marriage, but my partner doesn’t think there is anything wrong and won’t go to therapy.” The question that usually follows this statement: “So, if they won’t come, is there any point in continuing?”
This is an important question: can a marriage be saved if only one person is willing to work on it? The answer is yes, absolutely, but how do we repair a marriage when one person is resistant to change and the other wants to make it work?
When couples think about therapy, they often imagine sitting side by side on a therapist’s couch, unpacking years’ worth of arguments. Many couples do find this form of treatment incredibly effective, but others do not, leaving the more engaged partner feeling defeated.
There are times when one partner may feel coerced into couples therapy. In my experience, this usually started with an ultimatum: “Go to therapy and get help, or the relationship is over!”
The sight of a set of well-worn suitcases parked next to the front door is often enough to encourage the ‘ostrich’ partner to seek help. However, if they are unwilling to attend therapy, it typically won’t be effective. So, why would someone choose not to attend therapy? Well, for some, there’s a feeling of contentment with the relationship, even if it’s rocky. They might think everything is fine and that any problems are entirely their partner’s issue.
Fear of blame or judgment can also hold people back. They might worry that the therapist will side with the other partner, leading to feelings of being ganged up on. Those emotions can be very overwhelming, especially if they already feel misunderstood or criticized in the relationship.
Unfortunately, a stigma remains around therapy, and some folks see it as a sign of weakness. Others might feel that their relationship is too far gone to fix, which leads them to check out emotionally. Financial concern may also play a part.
Regardless of the reason, it is important to know that individual-focused therapy works, and when the resistant partner begins to see positive changes in their relationship, they often follow suit and make changes of their own.
There are many positives to seeing a couple’s therapist alone. You can express yourself openly and honestly without fear of hurting the other person’s feelings or worrying that there is going to be a big fight on the way home.
It allows you to explore your own emotions, your triggers, and past events that have shaped and affected your life. Understanding why you react a certain way allows for acceptance and change. We all have that knee-jerk reaction when something upsets us; understanding why we do this allows for positive change.
How can only one person save a failing relationship?
It begins by making small changes. In any relationship, fights often occur over the same thing. Money, sex, family, kids, work, friends —the nitty-gritty of the battle may vary, but the root cause of a couple’s perpetual arguments remains the same. Recognizing why you fight is an essential part of this journey.
In my last blog post, I wrote about circular causality, and you can find the link at the bottom of this article. In a nutshell, circular causality refers to the action and reaction of a relationship. He yells at her, and she withdraws. This makes him yell more, and she withdraws even further.
In individual couples therapy, we explore why this argument keeps occurring. We delve into the emotions behind the fight, for example, how you react to anger, stress, or why one person withdraws.
Perhaps there was an overbearing parent at home, and raised voices felt intimidating, leading them to retreat to the safety of their bedroom. This behavior is a learned response, a protective mechanism developed in childhood that carries over into adulthood.
Working one-on-one with a couples therapist allows you to understand your role in the circular argument, and you learn to react in a way that breaks the cycle. “Why am I the one who has to change?” you may ask. Well, without change, everything remains the same. If you want your marriage to flourish, ego must be put aside.
Opening up the lines of communication with your partner allows you to express feelings and make small changes before conflict arises. For example, set aside some time with your partner and explain to them how you feel when they yell.
Using ‘I feel’ statements helps the other person understand your emotions and reactions. For example, you can say, “When you raise your voice, I feel scared,” or “Instead of yelling, can we please talk it out before things escalate?” This opens up the lines of communication, allowing for change on both sides without the other person feeling attacked.
It is also important to set boundaries in individual-based therapy by expressing your needs for healthy communication and self-protection. For example, statements like “I feel intimidated when you yell and need to take time for myself” not only convey how you feel but also establish a personal boundary that emphasizes your need for emotional safety.
The Ripple Effect
Imagine throwing a pebble into a calm pond. Each pebble creates turbulence on the surface, and in every marriage, we each have our own metaphorical pebbles lined up, ready to be thrown, usually in a very predictable order. When you learn to respond differently, you can break the cycle of circular arguments, which helps to minimize the turbulence. Over time, your partner will begin to notice this change in you and may become more open to making their own adjustments as well.
Don’t be disheartened if you don’t see results immediately. Change takes time, and it may require patience and consistent effort. You might encounter setbacks along the way, but each small step forward contributes to a larger transformation in your relationship. As you practice positive communication techniques and responses, the friction will gradually settle, allowing for more constructive conversations. Over time, this creates an environment where both partners feel supported, valued, and heard, paving the way for deeper understanding and connection.
Therapy is not about finding fault; it is about recognizing patterns and making changes. I really enjoy individual couples-based therapy, seeing their progress and hearing how much a relationship has improved shows just how powerful this form of therapy really is.
Have a wonderful day,
Dr. Tony Fiore.
The Dance of Circular Causality Blog Post
I To learn more about recognizing destructive patterns of blaming and avoiding responsibility, download our mini-course, “Why Couples Fight: A Psychologist’s Guide to Understanding Relationship Conflict.”
In this mini-course, we emphasize the importance of centering your mind and body, creating a state of mental and physical calm. We teach you the value of being mindful of your emotions and the importance of acting objectively rather than subjectively. Additionally, we explore concepts such as ‘dropping the bone’, mastering the art of taking the high road in an argument, and how to deflect sarcasm. While these skills are crucial to every relationship, they are often overlooked. Here, we guide you and help you develop these essential skills so that you can rely on them when stress and conflict inevitably arise.
Our entire course is also available on our website, as well as books, our blog, and other classes. www.angercoach.com, follow the link and start your journey to a harmonious relationship.
