The answer may be “yes”, according to a new book titled “How to improve your marriage without talking about It” by Doctors Pat Love and Steven Stosney. These authors argue that the human brain is more socially structured than that of any other animal, and there are gender differences in how the human brain works. In general, a man is likely to use destructive communication patterns if he experiences or is trying to avoid the experience of failure as a provider, protector or lover (that is, he wants to please his woman). Women, on the other hand are motivated by avoiding fear of harm, isolation or deprivation. If these needs are not satisfied, according to the authors, women start using destructive communication patterns, just like the men do.
Men report that they want a closer, more intimate relationship just as much as women, but they report feeling more distant when they have to TALK about their relationship. Women have a dread of isolation and need connection energy from their man. To avoid conflicts, and increase connection with each other, the authors recommend the following ways to connect without talking:
Best ways for women to connect with men:
1. Activities – Do something with him that he enjoys doing. He loves activities that the two of you do together.
2. Touch – Easy to do; goes a long way with men.
3. Routine – men are very routinized but you give meaning to his routine. Appreciate your importance to him when he goes about hois routine and be open to small a mounts of connection.
4. Let him see you happy. Your man loves to make you happy.
5. Sex. It’ s his way of getting a dose of the bonding chemicals that you get through talk.
The Anger Coach program includes these concepts in our “communication” tool segment of our anger management programs. For more information, go to www.angercoach.com
