In the last Blog post, we met Brent and Tessa, two fictional characters who are in desperate need of counseling due to infidelity and a breakdown of trust that caused a massive rift in their once-strong relationship.
While Brent is keen to seek the help of a psychologist, his wife, Tessa, absolutely refuses to go, fearing she will be blamed.
After some research, Brent chose to take Dr. Tony Fiore’s new nine-step program, “From Conflict to Connection.” In this short story series, we will follow our couple as they navigate the emotional ups and downs of the course.
To read the first chapter of our series, click here. Otherwise, please enjoy chapter two…
Chapter Two
A light rain fell on the windshield of Brent’s SUV as he pulled into his driveway. He had spent the past hour talking with his new therapist, Dr. Tony, and he was surprised with how much he had learned. They were working through the first step of the nine-step program.
The initial Telehealth consultation had been very emotional as he explained why his marriage was falling apart. He ended the session feeling raw and drained but somehow cleansed, knowing that he could repair the bond with the woman he deeply loved.
Today, they delved into the emotion of anger. He was surprised to learn how much built-up resentment he felt towards Tessa. In the past, whenever he thought about his wife’s affair, he would push the thought away, believing he was doing the right thing. “If I don’t think about it,” he reasoned, “then I can pretend it never happened and things can return to normal.” His therapist nodded his head in understanding as Brent explained this tactic.
“I have heard this from many of my patients.” Dr Tony said gently, then explained how unhealthy it was to ignore emotions. “Emotions simmer under the surface, growing and festering until anger presents itself as a verbal explosion during times of stress.”
Brent could relate to this perfectly. How many screaming matches had occurred after a bad day at work? He already felt more in control of his emotions simply by learning that it was healthy to acknowledge them. He could own his feelings and not be scared to explore how they made him feel. He thought doing this would make him feel less like a man, but it was the complete opposite.
Brent put the car into park and turned off the engine. A light glowed in the front room of their small but cozy townhouse. Tessa was in the kitchen.
Grabbing the rarely used umbrella he kept in the backseat, Brent flipped it open and made his way up the path. He felt empowered after his session, but there was still a nagging voice in the back of his mind. What arguments awaited him tonight?
He opened the door to find Tessa chopping carrots at the kitchen bench. The house was filled with the sweet aroma of spices, but the energy in the room was anything but inviting.
“How was your day, Babe?” Brent asked with a smile in his voice.
“My day was fine,” Tessa began, “So, how was your therapy session?” Sarcasm dripped from the word ‘therapy’.
“It was good. I learned so much. Can we sit down and have a chat after I change?”
“So I guess you told him what a terrible person I was?” Tess asked, ignoring his question.
“No, Tess. It is nothing like that. Just let me get changed, and we’ll chat.” Brent said quietly, propping the dripping umbrella next to the door and walking upstairs.
He knew Tessa was itching for a fight. Recently, they fought over the slightest thing. Something as innocuous as leaving the milk out led to hurled accusations and expertly crafted insults.
As Brent shrugged into his favorite shirt and jogging pants, he thought about how to explain his session to Tessa. He wished she had been there with him. Dr Tony explained things so clearly, and Brent knew when he felt flustered, his words came out in a jumbled mess that only led to misinterpretation.
Brent walked into the kitchen to find Tessa sitting on a wooden stool, a glass of wine untouched on the counter. Her cat, Chess, was perched on her lap. She always turned to him in times of stress.
“Do you feel up to chatting?” Brent asked. He learnt it was important to give Tessa this option instead of launching headlong into a discussion.
“Sure.”
“So, today was really good.” He began, trying to find the correct words.
Tessa said nothing; she had stopped stroking Chess, and the cat looked inquisitively up at her.
“We talked about anger and how it can be a positive emotion.” He tried.
“You’re kidding, right?” She snorted, turning her attention back to Chess.
“Yeah, I mean, we all feel anger. Dr Tony said that it is not healthy to bottle it up; it leads to resentment and fights.”
More silence. Chess’s fur was getting a workout.
Brent took a deep breath, trying to be diplomatic.
“We spoke about the, um, indiscretion.”
“And?”
“And Dr Tony said I need to explore my feelings about how I …”
“How what?” She interrupted. “How can you drag me over the coals for the rest of my life?”
Brent paused and took a deep breath, trying to keep his emotions under control.
“No, so that I can learn why I feel resentful. There is so much more behind what happened than just the affair. We were both slammed at work, we drifted apart, and I know I hold my share of responsibility, too.”
She looked up at him curiously.
“We forgot how to listen to each other.” He said quietly.
Tessa nodded.
Feeling encouraged, Brent continued. “I’d come home from work exhausted. The last thing I wanted to talk about was our marriage. I know I was avoiding you. I am sorry I did that.”
Tessa glanced up, her eyes not quite touching his. “It felt like you didn’t love me anymore, that all you saw was a cheating woman.” Her voice hitched with emotion. “When I tried to talk about the affair, you would change the subject or tell me you didn’t want to talk about it.”
“It hurt too much, and I was so angry.” Brent said quietly.
“We needed to talk about it, but you had given up on us. You didn’t care enough to even fight for me.”
“It wasn’t like that at all!” Brent said and then caught himself. He needed to listen to Tessa and encourage her to express her feelings. This was the first time she had opened up in months.
“Can you explain how you felt when I pulled away?”
“I felt.” Tessa paused, her eyes roaming the room as if searching for the answer. “I felt so lonely.” Her voice broke on the last word.
“I felt the same way,” Brent admitted.
“I resented you for that. I may as well have been living with a stranger.” Tessa sighed. “Look, I messed up royally and can never take that back. I hate that we drifted apart, and I am not justifying what I did, but it felt like everything was my fault.”
Brent placed a hand on hers, encouraging Tessa to continue.
“I want to be close again. I want to go back to how things were before. No, that’s not true,” she amended. “I want to go forward, to feel that you love me again and for you to trust me. I hate feeling so angry and am sick to death of fighting.”
Brent smiled gently. He was sick of the fights too.
“I still refuse to see your headshrinker.” Her nose wrinkled in disgust. “But I want to be able to talk again. I mean, really talk.”
Brent moved towards her, placing his arm around his wife’s shoulder, pulling her into him. It felt like an eternity since they had connected.
“We have a ways to go,” Brent said, “but I want to make this work, too.”
What Brent said to Tessa is very accurate.
They still have a long way to go, but they have made a huge step forward by acknowledging their anger and listening to each other without fighting. The conversation ended on a high note, so the next time they choose to address their emotions, they know it doesn’t always have to end in an argument.
I am pleased to see Brent taking control of his emotions. Tessa seemed to sense this and followed suit. Brent is the ambassador for change in the relationship, and by doing this, he can help Tessa take positive steps toward her emotional healing.
In step one of my program, I explore the positives and negatives of a very important emotion; anger. The goal of the first session is to improve communication by learning how to express anger in a healthy manner.
When you understand the cause of your anger, you can begin to let go of long held resentments and open the lines of communication. To really hear your partner as opposed to simply fighting.
However, it can be easy to fall back into old habits and return to cyclical fights. This is why step two is very important, learning to recognize the destructive patterns that have developed over the course of your relationship.
We will check back in with our couple in an upcoming blog post.
In the meantime, you are welcome to schedule your free 15-minute consultation by clicking here to see if my new program, “From Conflict to Connection”, is the right fit for you.
“From Conflict to Connection” is a 90-day coaching program tailored for people in troubled relationships in which either one or both partners participate. Go to my website and take our short quiz to find out if you qualify for my program.
Lastly, visit my website to take advantage of our free articles, information and online courses to help couples fall in love again.
