“You want me to do what?” Tessa asked as she turned to her husband, a look of shock and anger on her face.
“I want you to see a therapist with me”, Brent replied quietly. “I think it will help; I mean, we keep having the same fights, and I am getting sick of this.”
“So you are sick of me?” Tessa spat.
“No, that is not what I said,” Brent replied, trying to keep his cool. “I just don’t know what else to do.”
“I know exactly what will happen if we go. They will just take your side.” Tessa retorted. “You will make me out to be the bad guy; tell them I cheated, and it will be two against one!”
Brent tried to keep his voice calm, but he felt himself being drawn into the well-worn argument.
“Tess, I don’t want to fight; I just want to explore this option. I am working through my trust issues. I think it would help to talk to someone about this, and I really want you to come with me. I know I played my part in this, and it could help if we had someone neutral to listen and give us a starting point.” Brent sighed. “Nothing we have done so far has helped, not in the long run. We are fine for a while, but then we keep having the same old fights.”
“Well, you can count me out!” Tessa yelled, spinning on her heels as she stomped from the room. “I don’t need someone telling me I am a monster, that I destroyed our marriage and that you are Mr. Innocence who can do no wrong.” Her voice faded with each step as she made her way into the bedroom and slammed the door.
Brent shook his head, grabbed his iced tea that now sat in a pool of condensation, and made his way out onto their back verandah. This was where he went to think, to clear his head, and today, he had finally made a decision.
He’d found a therapist who lived close by and specialized in couples therapy. He had even signed up for the free 15-minute consultation and found he liked the guy. If Tessa didn’t want to go with him, that was fine.
Reaching for his laptop, Brent opened his favorite browser and typed, “Can one person benefit from couples therapy if the other person refuses to go?”
Pressing enter, the search engine replied by showing him therapists in his area and, strangely, an ad for a local Airbnb. Scrolling down, he found a link that looked promising.
Clicking on the link, Brent read the title, “Does couples counseling work when one person is more motivated to seek marital counseling than the other?” The answer sounded promising. “Yes!” the author wrote. Sometimes it only takes one person to create change. Once your partner sees the benefits, they are often motivated to follow suit, and I have seen this time and again in my practice.”
Feeling encouraged, Brent sipped his iced tea. Even if Tessa refused to come with him, he could talk with someone and make a plan to get his marriage back on track.
The last thing he wanted to do was to berate or bad mouth Tessa behind her back, but her actions had hurt him deeply. It had been six months since she ended her affair. What Brent needed was someone to talk with. The hurt he felt was still very raw. He loved Tessa dearly, but the fighting drove a wedge between them. He could feel this deepening with each fight.
He continued scrolling through the psychologist’s website. This therapist offered a course to reconnect with your partner using nine specific steps. This is what he needed.
Brent had always been skeptical of therapy. He knew couples who saw a psychologist regularly, and it seemed to him that sitting on a couch while you argued in front of a stranger was a waste of time. He wanted goals and steps he could follow, and if he had to do this alone, then by God, he would do it!
“If I can learn how to let go of my resentment, or at least understand how to manage it,” Brent thought, “then maybe I will be less likely to be drawn into an argument, and I won’t feel so angry towards Tessa.”
And Brent is absolutely right!
Learning to manage anger and resentment in your relationship allows you to start mending bridges and reconnect with your partner, even if you are the only one currently working on the relationship.
My new course, “From Conflict to Connection,” is a 90-day coaching program tailored for people in troubled relationships in which either one or both partners participate.
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