Throughout my life, I have seen political opponents come and go, listened to people speak of their differing opinions, and watched the events surrounding Washington play out without directly impacting my practice. However, our political climate has been so emotionally charged over recent years that the divide between sides has never been more significant.

In my practice, I have couples come to me for help with matters such as infidelity, differences in parenting practices, and couples who can never see eye to eye or are struggling with perpetual issues. However, until recently, I had never had a couple seek my help due to differences in political matters.

For today’s article, let’s examine the political divide that has disrupted Sean and Tasha’s relationship and learn how they can still respect each other’s opinions without becoming nasty.

Sean and Tasha were married for ten years. For seven of these years, politics rarely even entered their conversation. Neither had any strong opinions about sides and when the nightly news came on, the tousle between political opponents was simply background noise. However, this changed about three years ago when both became heavily invested in politics and divided themselves in opinion.

At first, they could talk to each other about their views and beliefs, and despite disagreeing with each other’s views, their marriage was still harmonious. They could argue their differences without it becoming problematic.

However, recently, their arguments escalated to the extent that they were sleeping in separate bedrooms. The mere choice of which news station to watch created an almost instant argument. They explained that even though they loved each other, they were at their wit’s end and desperately needed my help.

So, what can we do to help Sean and Tasha? Everyone in any relationship has differences of opinion. From friends having a tiff over a meme they didn’t find amusing to a couple with different work ethics. Our differences are unavoidable; in fact, they keep life interesting. How we act when these disagreements occur can strengthen our relationship or divide us as a couple.

Sean and Tasha 

Let’s take a peek behind the curtain: Sean and Tasha come home from work, and Sean switches the news on. His station is tuned to Tasha’s political opponent, and instantly, her back is up. She is on the defensive and, after a short time, begins yelling at the television. Her beliefs are being challenged, and emotionally, she is on the defensive.

Sean, annoyed by Tashas’s reaction, begins arguing and defending his political views, which are being mirrored on the TV show. And the argument is in full swing. They are no longer listening to the news; the news was simply a trigger for a long-standing argument for which they feel there is no resolution.

They begin with raised voices, which evolves into a huge argument, escalating to them yelling at each other. Eventually, Sean storms off. The night ends with them sleeping in separate rooms, physically and mentally alone. The sad part is that Sean and Tasha love each other dearly. They both want their relationship to work, but neither has any idea how to make this happen.

So, what can be done? Should one person change their political views? That would fix everything, right? Unfortunately, not. My job as a psychologist is not to change someone’s mind but, in this case, to help them understand their feelings and learn to empathize with their partner while using the tools, I teach both in my practice and courses to repair and restore their relationship. 

Sean and Tasha can begin by making small lifestyle changes to help calm the tension, such as agreeing to listen to the news on their own devices or with earphones to help reduce stress in the home. Implementing and making little changes allows the couple to focus on building and learning techniques such as empathy, active listening, and respecting each other’s differences. Working with the love they share, these changes, combined with the tools they learn, will help repair and restore their relationship to harmony.

Tools of the Trade

Empathy is a tool we can all benefit from in everyday life. To empathize is to look at the world through another person’s eyes and try to understand their point of view without inserting your opinion into the equation. Sean and Tasha may disagree with each other’s point of view, but by using empathy, they can open up the communication channels and begin lovingly talking to each other.

How do they do this?

Actively listening to another person allows us to understand the other’s point of view without judgment, interruption, or thinking about our response as someone speaks. 

To actively listen, focus on what the other person is saying and their emotion and body language as they speak. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings when replying, even if you may not relate.

Let your partner know you want to understand their feelings and support them. Simple phrases like, “I can see why you feel that way,” can go a long way. When we feel heard and understood, we build trust, which allows us to address more difficult or emotionally charged topics in the future.

Centre Yourself, Stay Calm

To understand someone else’s point of view, you must first be aware of your own emotions. When entering emotionally charged conversations, take the time to center yourself, be mindful of your breathing, and, if needed, step away from the conversation. Resume when you feel in control of your emotions.

Agree to Disagree

It is okay to disagree, but trying to relate to others without conflict is essential. Sean may disagree with Tasha’s opinions, but it would help if he could understand why she feels this way. Once the lines of communication are open and you can speak without it turning into an argument, you begin to understand the other person’s point of view, and what initially seemed irrational becomes something you understand. You may still not agree with their line of thinking. Still, you are talking with each other, being open to each other’s opinions, and showing the person you love that despite the differences of opinion, you still care deeply for them and want to repair what is broken.

In these highly charged emotional times, being kind to those around us is essential, especially those we hold dear. Differences of opinion and conflict are a natural part of everyday life; how we choose to handle these issues makes all the difference.  

Learn to use empathy when you are confronted with an opinion or viewpoint that is against your own; the more empathy we show, the calmer and kinder our world can be. And in these tumultuous times, think about those you love. When you see them next, hold them close and tell them how much they mean to you. At the end of the day, we all need a good hug.

To learn more about empathy and its importance in your relationship, download our mini-course, “Understanding Your Partner: Unveiling The Secrets To A Deeper Connection” for $24.95

In this course, we teach you the art of Irimi. Here, you learn to focus on your partner while centering yourself using your ‘wise adult’ frame of mind. Irimi involves using cognitive empathy to understand your partner’s perspective from a loving and harmonious place. We cover six techniques designed to foster an environment of unity and togetherness, making it difficult for continued hostility.

Our entire course, books, blog, and other classes are available on our website.

Take the High Road.

In my previous post, we learned what happens to our bodies in times of stress, how our brain releases stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, and how this quickly begins to course through our bodies, increasing our heart rate and blood pressure.

In this post, I explain how to take the high road to de-escalate arguments and restore harmony in your marriage.

The technique I teach is straightforward in theory, but it takes work, time, and practice. Having some basic rules to fall back on in times of stress helps.

Rule #1

You, and only you, can apply this tool. You can not demand your partner follow suit and tell them it is time for them to retreat. This will only further stoke the coals and may result in a rip-snorting, roof-raising argument you are trying to avoid.

Rule #2

It is time to practice your agreed-upon ‘Rules of Governance’, covered in our mini-course. Whether you have just started dating or are 40 years into your marriage, this is a must for any couple.

The Rules of Governance are an agreed-upon set of rules you rely on in good and bad times. This is the perfect time to set an agreed-upon rule: if one person feels that the conversation is getting heated and they think they need to retreat, then the discussion is shelved; you take time to gather your thoughts, no questions asked.

Rule #3

Research shows that it takes 20 minutes to one hour before our bodies return to equilibrium after a stressful encounter. Give yourself time to calm down when you step away from the argument, but reassure your partner by giving them an approximate time frame when you will resume the conversation. This way, they do not feel abandoned; you are reassuring them that you know this is important to them, and you and they don’t feel abandoned.

Ensure you resume the conversation later and within an agreed-upon timeframe as opposed to the problem becoming permanently shelved.

There are a few ways you can approach this. Something as simple as:

 “Hon, I need to take some time to myself; I am not thinking straight and don’t want to say something I don’t mean.”

Or

“Let’s shelve this conversation just for now. I want to discuss this; it is important, but give me a little time. I love you; we will work this out together.”

Offering reassurance that you care about their feelings and want to solve the issue helps your partner understand that you are not simply running away from the problem but doing the responsible thing and addressing it when you are in a better frame of mind.

Rule #4

Refrain from drinking or using illicit substances during your time out. This will only impair your ability to think effectively and will work against you because your partner may rightly think you are not taking the problem seriously if you are drunk or high.

Rule #5

Be mindful of who you speak with during your retreat time. Our instinct is to turn to those who will side with us during a heated argument. We all like to have our feelings validated, but this can work against us as it may impair our clarity of thought and push us firmly in a direction where we refuse to compromise.

We turn again to our Rules of Governance. Here, you may agree not to discuss problems within the relationship with others. Doing so may permanently change their view and color their opinion of the other person.

Here is one example:

Sam and Jeremy had been married for almost 15 years. Both couples got along famously with their in-laws. Sam and Jeremy both weathered the ups and downs of their relationship, but they never spoke ill of each other to family and friends.

One day, Jeremy was using Sam’s laptop as his computer was in the shop being repaired. He was sending an email when a message came in from a name he did not recognize. Without thinking, he clicked on the email only to find another man sending suggestive emails to his wife. He scrolled through the email chain and was devastated to discover his wife had sent the same to him.

Jeremy’s first instinct was to pick up the phone and call his parents. Understandably, he reached out to them, but unfortunately, this permanently changed how his parents viewed their daughter-in-law.

Ultimately, the couple reconciled, but Sam’s relationship with Jeremy’s parents was forever broken. Holidays became a point of contention, and no matter what Sam did and despite her now unwavering loyalty to her husband, Jeremy’s parents refused to trust her.  

Use Your Time Wisely.

When we disengage from an argument, we sometimes do not know what to do with ourselves. It is hard to think straight when you are fuming, angry, and emotionally upset.

So, what should you do? I suggest taking time for yourself and not involving others. Do something that helps calm you and distract you so that you can begin to gather your thoughts.

Some of my patients like to play a game on their iPads. Others prefer to spend time with a beloved pet who helps soothe them. I know one person who, when they need to step away, takes their dog for a walk. 

Once you can calm your nerves, think clearly, and your emotions have returned to normal, it is time to begin thinking about the issue.

Try using a technique called Self-Talk. This helps you change the internal conversations you have in your head from negative to positive, and you can put the problem into perspective without your emotions taking hold.

Try writing down topics you would like to discuss when you come back together. This way, you can think clearly and don’t have to worry about forgetting something important.

Arguments occur within every relationship; how we learn as a couple to overcome differences and make the necessary changes creates a harmonious relationship. 

Your relationship and bond with your partner will strengthen each time you use this technique as issues are aired and solved. Always remember, if in doubt, step away, gather your thoughts, and let cooler heads prevail.

To learn more about taking the high road and self talk, download our mini-course “Discover Harmony In Your Relationship: A Psychologist’s Guide To Conflict Resolution.” 

This mini course introduces you to the concept and principals of Verbal Aikido and its application in marital communication. Verbal Aikido empowers you to resolve marital conflict in a harmonious manner that fosters unity in your relationship. We then explore the importance of emotional connection and how modern day technology has entirely changed our communication methods. Finally, we learn about conflict igniters, what this is, how this behaviour leads to contention and disharmony and we teach you how to address these behaviours effectively and harmoniously to achieve resolution.

This course features the following:

• Online class based on material developed by Dr Tony Fiore specific to anger and relationships
• 4 professionally created videos that explain the concepts and enhance your online learning experience
• Short and fun quizzes to give you feedback on your progress in learning the material
• Downloadable PDFs containing worksheets for you to complete at your leisure so that you can record and evaluate your progress through the program

If you would like to schedule and appointment with me, please click here

The rapid acceleration in technological communication has created a problem where our nervous system is still trying to adjust to our online world. Gone are the days when the only way to speak with someone was to do so in person.

Emojis, memes, GIFs, etc are now often used to express emotion and thought. Our primitive self, however, still relies on facial expressions, body language, verbal and emotional cues to navigate daily life as we are drawn to the need for human-to-human contact both physically and emotionally. These primitive connection cues help us avoid miscommunication.

Verbal communication alone without person-to-person context is a poor means of connection as meaning can often be misinterpreted. It requires the frontal lobe to work overtime to interpret language and meaning.

Effective communication however creates a feeling of connection, love, trust, romantic attraction, and security within a relationship.

Here is one technique based on your primitive nervous system that you can adapt into your daily routine to help build the emotional connection you share with your partner:

Develop shared meaning by creating daily routines.

Sharing a routine together can be something you look forward to and want to integrate into your everyday life. These small routines help to bind a couple, and it creates a feeling of comfort and camaraderie. It can be something as simple as sharing a cup of coffee in the morning or spending time chatting while preparing dinner.

In my new course ‘Repair my Relationship’, I cover the different techniques you can use within your relationship on a day to day basis to help build and restore the bond you share with your partner.

If you or your partner are dealing with a lack of connection in your relationship, I encourage you to take our new course titled “Repair my Relationship”. It can be taken alone or as a couple.