Sammi thought she had prepared herself for this outcome; after all, the odds were 50/50, but the feeling of loss, betrayal and hollow emptiness overwhelmed her.

She had poured her heart and soul into her volunteer work, selling T-shirts, distributing yard signs, and even organizing community meetings to help her beloved candidate win. Potluck Fridays were the highlight of Sammi’s week, and while the political conversation was engaging, it was her friend Cassie’s tortilla soup that really drew the crowd. Yet, all these efforts had been in vain.

Everything everyone had worked so hard for had now slipped through their fingers. How could this have happened? How could the other side have won? Sammi rolled out of bed, pulled on her robe and well-worn slippers and scuffed her way towards the kitchen as she thought about the years ahead. How was she going to cope with the overwhelming disappointment?

We all experience disappointments, from minor everyday upsets to large, potentially life-changing events. Most of us are used to coping with the small upsets: our coffee order is missing that extra shot we desperately needed to get us through the day, dinner arrives cold from the local delivery place, these are minor annoyances that really don’t affect our lives. We tell ourselves, “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” and they are all but forgotten by the next day.

However, how do you cope when something happens in your life that goes against your deeply held expectations?

Here is some advice I offer to my patients that may help you if you are struggling with this feeling.

Take a Deep Breath

Above all else, it is essential to try to stay calm. Understand that your feelings are entirely normal, allow yourself to feel disappointment, and acknowledge your emotional responses.
You may feel sadness, fear, or anger. Take time to understand and acknowledge these feelings individually without self-judgment or criticism.

I often advise my patients to pick up a pen and paper and write about their emotions. Expressing and releasing these feelings is a valid and important step in coping with pent-up emotions.

Some patients like to read over their notes, sometimes out loud and then tear them up. They find this cathartic, saying they no longer need to carry the thoughts in their heads now that they are out on paper.
Don’t Get Caught Up in the Chaos

Surrounding yourself with like-minded people feeling similar emotions can be a double-edged sword. Some people find it helpful to discuss their feelings, sharing the burden of the hurt, fear, and upset.

Conversely, it can also become a place where other people’s reactions become a melting pot of emotions, where instead of helping, it only fuels the flames, further exacerbating your negative feelings.

If you find yourself in a situation where the people around you are negatively affecting your emotional state, politely excuse yourself and step away. Practicing self-care in stressful times is very important. You need to put yourself first and, if needed, explain to your friends and loved ones why you are taking some time out.

Reframe your Perspective

When you can not change an outcome, it helps to cognitively reframe your thought patterns to help mitigate disappointment.

This process involves focusing on aspects you can control, such as your reaction to the event and positive changes you can make in your daily life. It also encourages you to focus on the insights you have gained, which can be used positively rather than dwelling on the negative aspects.

Remember to Stretch

It is vital to remain emotionally flexible and not set yourself up for disappointment. In Sammi’s case, she knew there was a chance that her favorite candidate would not win; however, she still took the blow very hard. Setting rigid expectations often leads to disappointment, as you set unrealistic goals for yourself or others.

As any good personal trainer will tell you, it is important to stretch before exercising, and this is just as important when it comes to our emotional fitness.

I advise my patients to emotionally stretch their minds and think about how they will react, cope, or feel if events do not go as planned. This way, they are better prepared to deal with this eventuality.

Be Kind to Yourself

In times of disappointment and upset, it helps to be your own best friend. By this, I mean treating yourself the same way someone you love and trust dearly would treat you.

This may sound silly, but practicing self-compassion and treating your emotions with love and kindness helps lower anxiety, feelings of helplessness or depression and enhances a sense of well-being.

Practicing self-compassion gives your heart and mind the hug you may not be able to receive from someone else, allowing you to get back on your feet and recover from setbacks.

It is also important to take some time to do the things you genuinely love to help you relax and find your centre again. Some people love reading, walking their pets, playing music, watching football, or doing something creative. It may be as simple as just sitting and people-watching. We all have our ‘zen’ place, things we do that help us feel refreshed and ready to face the world again, so be sure to take time for yourself.

Nobody Likes a Gloater

When things don’t go our way, we tend to feel bitter and resentful toward others, especially if those people like to gloat. This can be very upsetting and distressful, further exacerbating the disappointment you feel.

It is important to remain calm when faced with gloating behavior while not internalizing their words or actions. This takes practice, but it is possible.

Take the High Road

Nothing gets my ire up quicker than when someone gloats, and there are times when I have to walk away to avoid reacting. There have been times when I know the person gloating wants me to react; they are deliberately trying to goad me into a reaction for their satisfaction, so I refuse to bite.

Don’t be tempted to respond defensively. Try to remain calm (this may test you, but stick with the process), and don’t give them the satisfaction of reacting.

You may need to excuse yourself and walk away from the situation or politely state that you no longer wish to address this topic. Either way, keep your composure and remain in control of your emotions. This takes the power away from the gloater, and you can walk away with your emotional and physical head held high.

Don’t be Afraid to Say No.

Avoid situations where you may encounter people who may gloat or try to flame the situation. This may be difficult in some areas, such as the workplace; however, in your personal life, practice self-care and take the initiative to avoid these people until tensions have simmered and you choose to allow them back into your life.

You can do so kindly or, if need be, assertively. For example, Sammi has a long-time friend, Jamie, who will not stop boasting about her candidate losing. Every time Sammy see’s him, he goads her about the results as if she personally lost the election. Instead of acting passively and trying to avoid Jamie, Sammi tells him, “I do not like how you are treating me at the moment. I would still like to remain friends, but I won’t tolerate being goaded like that. I think it is best to take a break from each other and come back together when everything settles down.” Here, Sammi clearly expresses her feelings while drawing a line in the sand and telling her friend she will not be disrespected.Don’t be Afraid to Say No.

Turn Off Social Media and the TV

One of the best things I can do when the world becomes a little too loud is to step away from social media and turn off what my Father fondly called the ‘idiot box’. 

The media loves to sensationalize, capture your attention, and inflame your sensibilities by pointing out the worst-case scenarios and sometimes trying to disguise them as reality. 

Regardless of which side of the fence you land on, news stations may not always have your mental well-being at heart. So, if you become angry, upset or overwhelmed by what you are viewing or reading, do what I do. Find the off button, walk outside, take off your shoes and ground yourself by walking in the grass. 

Surround Yourself With Those You Love

Surrounding yourself with people who love and support you without judgment in times of disappointment, upset, or personal turmoil is vital.

These people have been with you through the good times and the bad. They provide you with the emotional support you need to help reinforce that despite your setback, feeling this way is a normal part of the human experience, and you will get through this.

It is also important to offer love and support to others who may not share your values and opinions. They, too, may be feeling very similar emotions to yourself.

In conclusion, this is a pivotal time in everyone’s life, and regardless of which side of the fence you stand on, we need to show each other kindness and compassion. Know that disappointment is hard to deal with, and gloating only makes things worse. Let’s all take one step closer to each other, recognize our similarities as well as our differences and show each other empathy. There is good to find in most everybody, so when the big day does arrive, remember to be humble, be supportive and take the time to look after yourself first and be there for those you love.

A  Preview of what’s coming in 2025:

A new live telehealth program for couples is called “Conflict to Connection.” Apply now for this 9-step program designed for a limited number of serious couples ready to transform their relationship. This 90-day program will teach you state-of-the-art skills on how to better deal with anger, communicate much more effectively, and resolve conflicts with each other. 

We aim for couples to feel that emotional connection and closeness again as if they are going through life on the same team instead of separately.  To see if you qualify for this unique opportunity, call Dr Fiore to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. No obligation. 714-745-1393.

Throughout my life, I have seen political opponents come and go, listened to people speak of their differing opinions, and watched the events surrounding Washington play out without directly impacting my practice. However, our political climate has been so emotionally charged over recent years that the divide between sides has never been more significant.

In my practice, I have couples come to me for help with matters such as infidelity, differences in parenting practices, and couples who can never see eye to eye or are struggling with perpetual issues. However, until recently, I had never had a couple seek my help due to differences in political matters.

For today’s article, let’s examine the political divide that has disrupted Sean and Tasha’s relationship and learn how they can still respect each other’s opinions without becoming nasty.

Sean and Tasha were married for ten years. For seven of these years, politics rarely even entered their conversation. Neither had any strong opinions about sides and when the nightly news came on, the tousle between political opponents was simply background noise. However, this changed about three years ago when both became heavily invested in politics and divided themselves in opinion.

At first, they could talk to each other about their views and beliefs, and despite disagreeing with each other’s views, their marriage was still harmonious. They could argue their differences without it becoming problematic.

However, recently, their arguments escalated to the extent that they were sleeping in separate bedrooms. The mere choice of which news station to watch created an almost instant argument. They explained that even though they loved each other, they were at their wit’s end and desperately needed my help.

So, what can we do to help Sean and Tasha? Everyone in any relationship has differences of opinion. From friends having a tiff over a meme they didn’t find amusing to a couple with different work ethics. Our differences are unavoidable; in fact, they keep life interesting. How we act when these disagreements occur can strengthen our relationship or divide us as a couple.

Sean and Tasha 

Let’s take a peek behind the curtain: Sean and Tasha come home from work, and Sean switches the news on. His station is tuned to Tasha’s political opponent, and instantly, her back is up. She is on the defensive and, after a short time, begins yelling at the television. Her beliefs are being challenged, and emotionally, she is on the defensive.

Sean, annoyed by Tashas’s reaction, begins arguing and defending his political views, which are being mirrored on the TV show. And the argument is in full swing. They are no longer listening to the news; the news was simply a trigger for a long-standing argument for which they feel there is no resolution.

They begin with raised voices, which evolves into a huge argument, escalating to them yelling at each other. Eventually, Sean storms off. The night ends with them sleeping in separate rooms, physically and mentally alone. The sad part is that Sean and Tasha love each other dearly. They both want their relationship to work, but neither has any idea how to make this happen.

So, what can be done? Should one person change their political views? That would fix everything, right? Unfortunately, not. My job as a psychologist is not to change someone’s mind but, in this case, to help them understand their feelings and learn to empathize with their partner while using the tools, I teach both in my practice and courses to repair and restore their relationship. 

Sean and Tasha can begin by making small lifestyle changes to help calm the tension, such as agreeing to listen to the news on their own devices or with earphones to help reduce stress in the home. Implementing and making little changes allows the couple to focus on building and learning techniques such as empathy, active listening, and respecting each other’s differences. Working with the love they share, these changes, combined with the tools they learn, will help repair and restore their relationship to harmony.

Tools of the Trade

Empathy is a tool we can all benefit from in everyday life. To empathize is to look at the world through another person’s eyes and try to understand their point of view without inserting your opinion into the equation. Sean and Tasha may disagree with each other’s point of view, but by using empathy, they can open up the communication channels and begin lovingly talking to each other.

How do they do this?

Actively listening to another person allows us to understand the other’s point of view without judgment, interruption, or thinking about our response as someone speaks. 

To actively listen, focus on what the other person is saying and their emotion and body language as they speak. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings when replying, even if you may not relate.

Let your partner know you want to understand their feelings and support them. Simple phrases like, “I can see why you feel that way,” can go a long way. When we feel heard and understood, we build trust, which allows us to address more difficult or emotionally charged topics in the future.

Centre Yourself, Stay Calm

To understand someone else’s point of view, you must first be aware of your own emotions. When entering emotionally charged conversations, take the time to center yourself, be mindful of your breathing, and, if needed, step away from the conversation. Resume when you feel in control of your emotions.

Agree to Disagree

It is okay to disagree, but trying to relate to others without conflict is essential. Sean may disagree with Tasha’s opinions, but it would help if he could understand why she feels this way. Once the lines of communication are open and you can speak without it turning into an argument, you begin to understand the other person’s point of view, and what initially seemed irrational becomes something you understand. You may still not agree with their line of thinking. Still, you are talking with each other, being open to each other’s opinions, and showing the person you love that despite the differences of opinion, you still care deeply for them and want to repair what is broken.

In these highly charged emotional times, being kind to those around us is essential, especially those we hold dear. Differences of opinion and conflict are a natural part of everyday life; how we choose to handle these issues makes all the difference.  

Learn to use empathy when you are confronted with an opinion or viewpoint that is against your own; the more empathy we show, the calmer and kinder our world can be. And in these tumultuous times, think about those you love. When you see them next, hold them close and tell them how much they mean to you. At the end of the day, we all need a good hug.

To learn more about empathy and its importance in your relationship, download our mini-course, “Understanding Your Partner: Unveiling The Secrets To A Deeper Connection” for $24.95

In this course, we teach you the art of Irimi. Here, you learn to focus on your partner while centering yourself using your ‘wise adult’ frame of mind. Irimi involves using cognitive empathy to understand your partner’s perspective from a loving and harmonious place. We cover six techniques designed to foster an environment of unity and togetherness, making it difficult for continued hostility.

Our entire course, books, blog, and other classes are available on our website.