“You know Doc, it’s not my fault people don’t understand me. If they could only see the situation from my point of view, I wouldn’t get angry. You know what I mean?”

Of course, I know what he meant. If only life took us by the hand and led us down a path paved with conflict-free interactions and harmonious outcomes, wouldn’t that be sweet? However, navigating life is challenging, and sometimes we are met with spite, anger, and injustices beyond our control. 

We live in a world of increasing hostility, where people’s opinions have become vastly divided, with some even unwilling to consider another’s point of view, much less talk about potential commonalities. This is a time when politics are at the forefront of many people’s minds. I have seen rifts form within my own friend circles, decades-long friendships destroyed over a choice in political views.

These are unprecedented times, and when dealing with unusual stress levels, it is perfectly natural to feel anger or frustration, especially when we are justly or unjustly criticized, when we feel disrespected or treated with contempt, or when others rage at us for any number of reasons. So, when we find ourselves overwhelmed, it helps to have some tools to cope and stay calm during conflict.

Techniques such as learning not to take the bait, deescalating the situation, and not retaliating with more anger are critical when trying to resolve conflict and reduce anger and stress in our lives.

Strategy 1: Take a Time Out and Cool Down 

This means assertively choosing not to address the situation at that moment and taking time out to gather your thoughts and emotions. This pause allows you to deal with the problem when you are in a calmer frame of mind, bringing a sense of control and peace, and relieving the immediate tension. 

This does not mean you should avoid the problem; quite to the contrary, it means dealing with it when you can think clearly, your emotions are under control, and you can speak to the other person without the anger and emotion that may inflame the problem.

When you retreat before an argument becomes heated, you allow your emotional and thinking brain to work together so that you can understand your emotions and verbalize them effectively while considering another’s feelings. This is taking the high road in an argument.

Strategy 2- Drawing a Line in the Sand

Sometimes, a conversation becomes so heated that escalation is the only outcome. When this occurs, you can draw a line in the sand.

This involves calmly but firmly standing up to the angry person while setting boundaries and limits. This means letting them know you will no longer tolerate their behavior and that the relationship will be severely injured if it continues. 

This strategy also goes hand in hand with Strategy 1. If someone is raging at you and the argument has escalated, calmly state your intentions to cease the conversation and state that it can be continued when calmer heads prevail. This shows that you will not tolerate being spoken to in a hostile manner, but you are also willing to try to resolve the issue later, allowing both parties to save face.

Strategy 3 – Agree to Disagree

We all have disagreements, but trying to relate to others without conflict is essential. Understanding why a person feels a certain way or has a particular point of view, free from prejudice, allows you to empathize emotionally with them. You may disagree with their opinion, but when you begin to understand the other person’s point of view, what initially seems irrational becomes something you may come to understand. This understanding fosters a sense of connection, mutual respect, and a deeper understanding of the other person’s perspective. 

The more we practice using empathy, the easier it becomes to deescalate arguments and retain the friendships and relationships we hold dear.

These three strategies are not just theoretical concepts but powerful tools that can transform how we deal with defensive anger in relationships and other life situations. 

Enrolling in our online anger course or one of our many online education programs can help you learn more about these strategies and how to apply them effectively. 

Click here to Enroll in our 16-Hour Online Anger Management Course for only $69.65!

The AngerCoach now offers its acclaimed and widely-accepted anger management program online. Dr. Fiore, a Ph.D. psychologist with over 35 years experience, developed this completely web-based program with the same content as in his local person anger management classes. 

Many clients are unable to attend in-person classes due to busy schedules, or cannot find classes that are conveniently located near their work or home. AngerCoach Online is perfect for anyone who needs an anger management program for personal development, to satisfy a court requirement, or to comply with workplace requirement. Couples can also take the course together and apply the eight tools of anger control to their relationship or marriage.

Have a great day,

Dr. Tony Fiore.

Relationships, no matter how perfect they may seem, always come with some bumps in the road, and there inevitably comes a time when we must have that dreaded ‘tough talk’ with our partner. The movies portray this as the ‘we need to talk’ moment, a cliffhanger where the audience wonders whether their relationship will survive this momentous event.

Real life plays out differently than the quintessential Hollywood movie. Often, the buildup and eventual resultant tough talk come after a huge blow up, when stress levels run high, or we have had a terrible day at work and decide this is the perfect moment to pick apart the fabric of our relationship.

Like most things in life, there is a time and a place for everything. Approaching a hot-button topic or navigating that difficult conversation we have been putting off is best left when you and your partner are in a positive emotional and mental space. 

Take Time to Mentally Prepare

It is vital to prepare yourself emotionally and mentally. The object of the discussion is not to ‘win’ or to make the other person feel bad; it is to open up the lines of communication to understand each other better so that you can set yourself on a pathway to repair.

Reflect on your feelings and take notes if this helps, as sometimes, you can forget what you want to say during a discussion. Also, note down or think about the outcome of the discussion. What would you like to achieve? 

This allows you to talk clearly without trying to remember or worry that you may need to remember specific points.

A Time and a Place for Everything.

Timing and setting are crucial elements to preparing for a tough talk. The last thing you want is to pour your heart out to your partner when the kids are screaming around the house while dinner preparation is underway.

Choose a time when both you and your partner are in a good frame of mind and a private place free from distractions. It may help to schedule the time for your conversation, allowing you both to prepare mentally and physically so that your chat can start off on the right foot.

Being mindful of the timing and setting will show your partner that you respect their space and are serious about the conversation.

Use “I” Statements

One of the most powerful ways to communicate your feelings is to use “I” statements. People can argue when told, “You made me feel,” as this can be confrontational. However, when you say, “I felt hurt” or “I felt disrespected,” you express your feelings rather than blame your partner.

This manner of communication allows for open discussion, where your partner may also express how they feel. It is up to both parties to maturely acknowledge the other’s feelings and help them feel secure in opening up.

Listen Both With Your Ears and Your Heart

This may sound silly, but listening while being empathic is one of the keys to a successful relationship! 

In my practice, couples often express feeling unheard in their relationship. They may feel that even though they are speaking, the other isn’t listening, and unfortunately, this is quite often the case. One person may be expressing their feelings while the other is forming counterarguments in their head instead of genuinely listening to what is being said. In this scenario, both people walk away unhappy.

When your partner is speaking to you, concentrate on what they are saying with their words and body language. As you actively listen, try to understand the situation from their perspective. It helps to summarize what they have said so that they feel heard or can correct you if you misinterpret their feelings. Statements such as “I understand that you felt hurt when I spoke to you in that manner; what can I do in the future to prevent this?” are a way to open the lines of communication and help understand each other’s perspective a little better.

Remember to Keep Your Cool

Things can quickly become heated during a tough talk, and it is essential to keep your cool and remain calm and respectful. I teach my patients that taking time out when needed is essential. Don’t just walk away; this will only cause more friction. Before you begin your discussion, agree that if things get a little too heated or you feel overwhelmed, let your partner know, take a time out, and resume the conversation when you are feeling centred and composed. Never follow the other person, attempting to continue the conversation. An agreed-upon time out means both agree to stop the conversation and walk away calmly.

Most importantly, refrain from name-calling, abusive language, and yelling. These will only deepen the scar on your relationship and could cause long-term damage and hurt. Remember to keep your voice kind, use empathy, and, again, if you feel yourself wanting to lash out, employ your time-out clause.

Focus on the Positives

When times get tough, and the inevitable discussion is underway, it is easy to get bogged down in the minutia of ‘he said, she said’, focusing on the negatives instead of working together to find a solution.

It is important to express your feelings and discuss the problems, but if you feel your conversation leaning heavily towards the negative, try to steer the talk back to possible solutions. The goal is to work together to resolve the issues you share. 

Some of my patients find brainstorming using a pen and paper helpful, as is writing down ideas and scratching out ones they don’t feel will work as they go. 

Agree to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable

It sounds like a tongue-twister, doesn’t it? It does make sense, though, as not all discussions end with everyone in perfect agreement. Sometimes, you and your partner will simply not see eye to eye, and that is okay; in fact, it can be healthy. 

Most importantly, you have expressed how you feel, listened to your partner’s point of view, and may even have learned something new about the person you love. 

Know that it is important to accept each other’s differences and be willing to compromise in a healthy manner. Every relationship is made from give and take. 

Don’t be Afraid to Ask For Help.

There are topics within almost every relationship that couples continually fight over. Psychologists refer to these as ‘perpetual issues’. Navigating through perpetual issues can be tricky; sometimes, you need to seek professional help.

Seeking the help of a Psychologist allows you and your partner to express your feelings and emotions in a neutral setting, guided by a trained professional. Here, you can learn tools and techniques to help improve your communication and resolve conflicts effectively.

Committing to improving your relationship through tough talks may be difficult. Still, over time, you learn how to navigate the stress of these discussions, gradually opening up the lines of positive communication by using compassion, empathy, active listening and, most importantly, love.

Throughout my life, I have seen political opponents come and go, listened to people speak of their differing opinions, and watched the events surrounding Washington play out without directly impacting my practice. However, our political climate has been so emotionally charged over recent years that the divide between sides has never been more significant.

In my practice, I have couples come to me for help with matters such as infidelity, differences in parenting practices, and couples who can never see eye to eye or are struggling with perpetual issues. However, until recently, I had never had a couple seek my help due to differences in political matters.

For today’s article, let’s examine the political divide that has disrupted Sean and Tasha’s relationship and learn how they can still respect each other’s opinions without becoming nasty.

Sean and Tasha were married for ten years. For seven of these years, politics rarely even entered their conversation. Neither had any strong opinions about sides and when the nightly news came on, the tousle between political opponents was simply background noise. However, this changed about three years ago when both became heavily invested in politics and divided themselves in opinion.

At first, they could talk to each other about their views and beliefs, and despite disagreeing with each other’s views, their marriage was still harmonious. They could argue their differences without it becoming problematic.

However, recently, their arguments escalated to the extent that they were sleeping in separate bedrooms. The mere choice of which news station to watch created an almost instant argument. They explained that even though they loved each other, they were at their wit’s end and desperately needed my help.

So, what can we do to help Sean and Tasha? Everyone in any relationship has differences of opinion. From friends having a tiff over a meme they didn’t find amusing to a couple with different work ethics. Our differences are unavoidable; in fact, they keep life interesting. How we act when these disagreements occur can strengthen our relationship or divide us as a couple.

Sean and Tasha 

Let’s take a peek behind the curtain: Sean and Tasha come home from work, and Sean switches the news on. His station is tuned to Tasha’s political opponent, and instantly, her back is up. She is on the defensive and, after a short time, begins yelling at the television. Her beliefs are being challenged, and emotionally, she is on the defensive.

Sean, annoyed by Tashas’s reaction, begins arguing and defending his political views, which are being mirrored on the TV show. And the argument is in full swing. They are no longer listening to the news; the news was simply a trigger for a long-standing argument for which they feel there is no resolution.

They begin with raised voices, which evolves into a huge argument, escalating to them yelling at each other. Eventually, Sean storms off. The night ends with them sleeping in separate rooms, physically and mentally alone. The sad part is that Sean and Tasha love each other dearly. They both want their relationship to work, but neither has any idea how to make this happen.

So, what can be done? Should one person change their political views? That would fix everything, right? Unfortunately, not. My job as a psychologist is not to change someone’s mind but, in this case, to help them understand their feelings and learn to empathize with their partner while using the tools, I teach both in my practice and courses to repair and restore their relationship. 

Sean and Tasha can begin by making small lifestyle changes to help calm the tension, such as agreeing to listen to the news on their own devices or with earphones to help reduce stress in the home. Implementing and making little changes allows the couple to focus on building and learning techniques such as empathy, active listening, and respecting each other’s differences. Working with the love they share, these changes, combined with the tools they learn, will help repair and restore their relationship to harmony.

Tools of the Trade

Empathy is a tool we can all benefit from in everyday life. To empathize is to look at the world through another person’s eyes and try to understand their point of view without inserting your opinion into the equation. Sean and Tasha may disagree with each other’s point of view, but by using empathy, they can open up the communication channels and begin lovingly talking to each other.

How do they do this?

Actively listening to another person allows us to understand the other’s point of view without judgment, interruption, or thinking about our response as someone speaks. 

To actively listen, focus on what the other person is saying and their emotion and body language as they speak. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings when replying, even if you may not relate.

Let your partner know you want to understand their feelings and support them. Simple phrases like, “I can see why you feel that way,” can go a long way. When we feel heard and understood, we build trust, which allows us to address more difficult or emotionally charged topics in the future.

Centre Yourself, Stay Calm

To understand someone else’s point of view, you must first be aware of your own emotions. When entering emotionally charged conversations, take the time to center yourself, be mindful of your breathing, and, if needed, step away from the conversation. Resume when you feel in control of your emotions.

Agree to Disagree

It is okay to disagree, but trying to relate to others without conflict is essential. Sean may disagree with Tasha’s opinions, but it would help if he could understand why she feels this way. Once the lines of communication are open and you can speak without it turning into an argument, you begin to understand the other person’s point of view, and what initially seemed irrational becomes something you understand. You may still not agree with their line of thinking. Still, you are talking with each other, being open to each other’s opinions, and showing the person you love that despite the differences of opinion, you still care deeply for them and want to repair what is broken.

In these highly charged emotional times, being kind to those around us is essential, especially those we hold dear. Differences of opinion and conflict are a natural part of everyday life; how we choose to handle these issues makes all the difference.  

Learn to use empathy when you are confronted with an opinion or viewpoint that is against your own; the more empathy we show, the calmer and kinder our world can be. And in these tumultuous times, think about those you love. When you see them next, hold them close and tell them how much they mean to you. At the end of the day, we all need a good hug.

To learn more about empathy and its importance in your relationship, download our mini-course, “Understanding Your Partner: Unveiling The Secrets To A Deeper Connection” for $24.95

In this course, we teach you the art of Irimi. Here, you learn to focus on your partner while centering yourself using your ‘wise adult’ frame of mind. Irimi involves using cognitive empathy to understand your partner’s perspective from a loving and harmonious place. We cover six techniques designed to foster an environment of unity and togetherness, making it difficult for continued hostility.

Our entire course, books, blog, and other classes are available on our website.

We all have that special something that makes us feel loved. For some, it is a warm embrace; others may prefer a delicious home-cooked meal or spending time with their mates.

Everybody is different, and we all feel and show love uniquely. This is the basis of the concept of ‘Love Languages ‘, a term originally coined by Dr. Gary Chapman. Love languages are the different ways in which individuals understand and express love. Often, we choose to show love in the same manner as we wish to receive it. However, a couple does not always speak the same love language. What is perceived as a loving action by one partner is interpreted differently by the other and can lead to distance and feelings of neglect within the relationship.

Let’s take Tim and Andrea as an example.

Tim and Andrea have been married for 15 years but can never seem to make the other feel loved. The more they try, the more emotionally distant they become.

Tim tried all manner of different things to show his love for Andrea. He kept the lawn mown, changed the oil in her car, was a faithful husband, and even tolerated her brother, who drove him up the wall with his terrible jokes and strange sense of humor.

Andrea also did all she could to show Tim she loved him. She loved to cook and always had a home-made meal on the table every night, even on the days she was exhausted from her job. She verbally expressed her love for him and would go out of her way to hug Tim when he looked stressed or upset. She even put up with the chaos of football nights when Tim and his buddies would gather to watch the game and down a few brews. 

Over time, they began drifting further apart. They would try new things to show their love, but nothing worked. Tim believed Andrea was pulling away from him; Andrea resigned herself to thinking that her husband took her for granted and felt resentful.

They came to marriage counseling at the end of their rope, and I asked them, “What makes you feel loved? What is your love language?” Both looked at me, confused, and I explained what action the other person could take to help you feel loved.

Andrea replied, “I would love nothing more than to be hugged. I would also love for Tim to tell me he loves me. I always tell him, and he never says it back.” This shocked Tim; he never knew his wife felt this way.

I then asked Tim what he needed to feel loved. Tim replied, “I would like a little more intimacy between us than an occasional hug. It doesn’t always have to end in the bedroom, but I want to feel like I am an important part of her life, and she still desires me as a husband.”

Tim and Andrea believed they were expressing their love openly, but the ‘love language’ they were speaking did not translate. To help rebuild their bond, Tim and Andrea began openly talking about their love language and what makes them feel loved, and then focused on showing love that way. Their relationship improved beyond measure and both felt loved and appreciated in the marriage.

Showing your partner that you love them using their love language is a very effective way to re-establish the bond you once shared. It is a powerful yet surprisingly simple technique to learn. All you need to do is be honest with each other and then commit to changing how you express your love so that you can make each other’s heart sing.

Relationships can be challenging, but showing your affection does not need to be. If you can both discover each other’s love language, then you can start speaking it fluently. Take the time to identify your own love language and have a chat about it with your partner. This simple step can make a world of difference in your relationship. 

An Exciting Announcement…

I am excited to share with you the launch of a new and improved version of my book, ‘Eight Keys to a Happy Marriage.’ This book, which I am truly proud of, is a unique resource that can help you transform your relationship.

‘Eight Keys to a Happy Marriage,’ is a practical guide written in everyday language. It’s designed to empower you to start improving your relationship immediately, regardless of your partner’s involvement. Our straightforward content ensures you can easily apply the techniques and advice to your unique situation, giving you the power to make changes.

 I teach techniques and provide tips and advice that have helped many patients repair their relationships and rekindle the love they share with their partners. Many chapters include worksheets I use within my clinic so you can track your progress and follow the instructions to strengthen your relationship step by step.

So join us and let us help you fall in love with your partner all over again.

Click here to download!

Take the High Road.

In my previous post, we learned what happens to our bodies in times of stress, how our brain releases stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, and how this quickly begins to course through our bodies, increasing our heart rate and blood pressure.

In this post, I explain how to take the high road to de-escalate arguments and restore harmony in your marriage.

The technique I teach is straightforward in theory, but it takes work, time, and practice. Having some basic rules to fall back on in times of stress helps.

Rule #1

You, and only you, can apply this tool. You can not demand your partner follow suit and tell them it is time for them to retreat. This will only further stoke the coals and may result in a rip-snorting, roof-raising argument you are trying to avoid.

Rule #2

It is time to practice your agreed-upon ‘Rules of Governance’, covered in our mini-course. Whether you have just started dating or are 40 years into your marriage, this is a must for any couple.

The Rules of Governance are an agreed-upon set of rules you rely on in good and bad times. This is the perfect time to set an agreed-upon rule: if one person feels that the conversation is getting heated and they think they need to retreat, then the discussion is shelved; you take time to gather your thoughts, no questions asked.

Rule #3

Research shows that it takes 20 minutes to one hour before our bodies return to equilibrium after a stressful encounter. Give yourself time to calm down when you step away from the argument, but reassure your partner by giving them an approximate time frame when you will resume the conversation. This way, they do not feel abandoned; you are reassuring them that you know this is important to them, and you and they don’t feel abandoned.

Ensure you resume the conversation later and within an agreed-upon timeframe as opposed to the problem becoming permanently shelved.

There are a few ways you can approach this. Something as simple as:

 “Hon, I need to take some time to myself; I am not thinking straight and don’t want to say something I don’t mean.”

Or

“Let’s shelve this conversation just for now. I want to discuss this; it is important, but give me a little time. I love you; we will work this out together.”

Offering reassurance that you care about their feelings and want to solve the issue helps your partner understand that you are not simply running away from the problem but doing the responsible thing and addressing it when you are in a better frame of mind.

Rule #4

Refrain from drinking or using illicit substances during your time out. This will only impair your ability to think effectively and will work against you because your partner may rightly think you are not taking the problem seriously if you are drunk or high.

Rule #5

Be mindful of who you speak with during your retreat time. Our instinct is to turn to those who will side with us during a heated argument. We all like to have our feelings validated, but this can work against us as it may impair our clarity of thought and push us firmly in a direction where we refuse to compromise.

We turn again to our Rules of Governance. Here, you may agree not to discuss problems within the relationship with others. Doing so may permanently change their view and color their opinion of the other person.

Here is one example:

Sam and Jeremy had been married for almost 15 years. Both couples got along famously with their in-laws. Sam and Jeremy both weathered the ups and downs of their relationship, but they never spoke ill of each other to family and friends.

One day, Jeremy was using Sam’s laptop as his computer was in the shop being repaired. He was sending an email when a message came in from a name he did not recognize. Without thinking, he clicked on the email only to find another man sending suggestive emails to his wife. He scrolled through the email chain and was devastated to discover his wife had sent the same to him.

Jeremy’s first instinct was to pick up the phone and call his parents. Understandably, he reached out to them, but unfortunately, this permanently changed how his parents viewed their daughter-in-law.

Ultimately, the couple reconciled, but Sam’s relationship with Jeremy’s parents was forever broken. Holidays became a point of contention, and no matter what Sam did and despite her now unwavering loyalty to her husband, Jeremy’s parents refused to trust her.  

Use Your Time Wisely.

When we disengage from an argument, we sometimes do not know what to do with ourselves. It is hard to think straight when you are fuming, angry, and emotionally upset.

So, what should you do? I suggest taking time for yourself and not involving others. Do something that helps calm you and distract you so that you can begin to gather your thoughts.

Some of my patients like to play a game on their iPads. Others prefer to spend time with a beloved pet who helps soothe them. I know one person who, when they need to step away, takes their dog for a walk. 

Once you can calm your nerves, think clearly, and your emotions have returned to normal, it is time to begin thinking about the issue.

Try using a technique called Self-Talk. This helps you change the internal conversations you have in your head from negative to positive, and you can put the problem into perspective without your emotions taking hold.

Try writing down topics you would like to discuss when you come back together. This way, you can think clearly and don’t have to worry about forgetting something important.

Arguments occur within every relationship; how we learn as a couple to overcome differences and make the necessary changes creates a harmonious relationship. 

Your relationship and bond with your partner will strengthen each time you use this technique as issues are aired and solved. Always remember, if in doubt, step away, gather your thoughts, and let cooler heads prevail.

To learn more about taking the high road and self talk, download our mini-course “Discover Harmony In Your Relationship: A Psychologist’s Guide To Conflict Resolution.” 

This mini course introduces you to the concept and principals of Verbal Aikido and its application in marital communication. Verbal Aikido empowers you to resolve marital conflict in a harmonious manner that fosters unity in your relationship. We then explore the importance of emotional connection and how modern day technology has entirely changed our communication methods. Finally, we learn about conflict igniters, what this is, how this behaviour leads to contention and disharmony and we teach you how to address these behaviours effectively and harmoniously to achieve resolution.

This course features the following:

• Online class based on material developed by Dr Tony Fiore specific to anger and relationships
• 4 professionally created videos that explain the concepts and enhance your online learning experience
• Short and fun quizzes to give you feedback on your progress in learning the material
• Downloadable PDFs containing worksheets for you to complete at your leisure so that you can record and evaluate your progress through the program

If you would like to schedule and appointment with me, please click here

How to Let Calmer Heads Prevail. Part one.

Cassie and Phil loved each other dearly but often found themselves in heated verbal battles over almost anything and everything. The most minor disagreements quickly became a full-fledged war over who was right and who was wrong.

This left Cassie and Phil feeling exhausted, emotionally disconnected from each other, nursing hurt, and harboring resentment that grew with each argument. 

When an argument ensued, both immediately went on the defensive; their bodies moved into fight or flight mode, and they hurled insults and comments they would never say when their minds were reasoning. 

Much hurt and resentment could be alleviated if they learned to “Retreat and Think Things Over.” However, many factors prevented them from doing this. First, let us look under the hood and see what happens biologically when we argue.

What Happens to Our Bodies When We Feel Anger?

The first thing that happens is our brain releases stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. This quickly begins to course through our bodies, increasing our heart rate and blood pressure (this is why some people feel their face flush when stressed.)

Muscle tension and heightened awareness are also felt, helping us with our instinct to either fight or flee.

However, as some senses are heightened, our reasoning ability decreases markedly. This can lead to verbally responding in a manner we would not do under normal circumstances. 

Unfortunately, our body’s reaction to anger and stress can also lead to some people acting or behaving in a physically or verbally aggressive manner. There is a technique I teach to my patients to prevent arguments from escalating. However, there is a small catch.

The Solution Sounds Easy…But Is It?

Walking away from a heated argument allows you to process the physical response within your body, calm down, and resume the conversation when you can both reason and think calmly and without heightened emotion.

However, this advice I offer my patients, especially those seeking anger management, sounds very simple. Still, in reality, it is much harder to put into practice.

As I mentioned earlier, when the brain floods with our fight or flight hormones, it can reach a point of no return where one or neither partner backs down. Both choose to argue to the bitter end and say and do things they later regret.

One may accuse the other of “avoiding” or “running away” from the problem. The other may feel invalidated, or that a resolution must occur, and by walking away, their partner is refusing to confront the issue and find a solution.

Worse still is when one partner needs space and the other, instead of allowing them the time to cool down, follows them from room to room, escalating the argument and leaving the other with no means of escape.

This is a no-win situation for all involved. So, how do we approach this so that both couples feel validated and issues can be broached and resolved even when heated conflict arises?

What are the Warning Signs?

You may be laser-focused on your physiological responses when engaging in a heated argument. However, it is essential to be aware of the external factors in most arguments that warn you it is time to walk away and calm down.

• Feeling overwhelmed.
• Raised voices.
• Feeling your temper rise or getting out of control.
• Feelings of negativity and being unable to focus on your thoughts.
• The argument escalates rapidly.
• Unable to speak logically and being aware of this.
• Wanting to move away or flee from the fight.
• Heat racing, muscles tensing.
• Minor issues suddenly become significant problems.
• Inability to calm yourself and reason during the argument.

Why Retreating to Think Things Over Works.

Temporarily distancing yourself allows you time to calm down, for your body and the hormones to return to normal, and for your brain to go back to its normal state, allowing you to think clearly and rationally. 

Take the High Road.

During a heated argument, our emotional brain takes over from our thinking brain. When this happens, our brain is taking the low road, the path that allows our brain to think on its fundamental level. Our emotional brain doesn’t care for diplomacy, politeness, or the feelings of the person you love most. 

When you retreat before an argument becomes heated, you allow your emotional and thinking brain to work together so that you can understand your emotions and verbalize them effectively while considering your partner’s feelings. This is taking the high road in an argument.

So, How Do I Take the High Road?

In theory, this technique is straightforward, but it takes work, time, and practice, and it helps to have some basic rules to fall back on in times of stress. Stay tuned for part two where I teach you the steps to take the high road and how to overcome differences and make the necessary changes creates a harmonious relationship.

To learn more, download our mini-course, “Why couples fight: A Psychologist’s guide to understanding relationship conflict.”

In this mini-course, we emphasize the importance of centering your mind and body, creating a state of mental and physical calm. We teach you the value of being mindful of your emotions and the importance of acting objectively rather than subjectively. Additionally, we explore concepts such as “dropping the bone,” mastering the art of taking the high road in an argument, and how to deflect sarcasm. While these skills are crucial to every relationship, they are often overlooked. Here, we guide you and help you develop these essential skills so that you can rely on them when stress and conflict inevitably arise.

Our entire course is also available on our website, as well as books, our blog, and other classes. www.angercoach.com, follow the link and start your journey to a harmonious relationship. 

To schedule an appointment, please click here.

Long-term relationships come with a myriad of challenges. From learning to accept quirks that grate your nerves to reconciling after a full-blown argument. Every relationship has highs and lows; it helps us grow together and understand and respect each other’s boundaries. We discover what we are willing to change within reason and what is a core part of us that is set in stone. 

What happens when we hold onto resentment, nursing something from our past that caused deep hurt, and from this, an argument keeps recurring? An argument that, during times of stress, rears its ugly head and worms its way into every fight. Are you able to, or should you, forgive this hurt and learn tolerance for the differences you share?

Forgiveness is a complicated decision that must be made individually and privately. If you want to learn how to forgive but are unsure how here are two strategies to help you:

Forgiveness Strategy #1 – You Can Forgive, but Should You Forget?

Forgiveness allows you to heal, move on, and build a happy relationship while learning from the past; forgetting the event is another. You must remember the past, as this serves as a means of protection for us in the future. Holding onto past hurt can be equally damaging as trying to ignore it. Forgiveness is the key. Forgiveness is remembering without the pain. 

Let’s look at one example:

After ten years of marriage, Cassie and Richard fell into a well-worn routine. Cassie stayed home to care for their young children, and Richard worked long hours at the office. Routine soon turned to boredom for Cassie as she began spending time on social media. She soon struck up a friendship with a man who held very similar interests to hers, and in a tale as old as time, the friendship turned more serious. 

Richard, becoming suspicious of his wife’s increased secrecy, snooped and soon discovered his wife was having an emotional affair with a man from the other side of the world.

Richard was devastated; he had never strayed despite opportunities, and he was deeply hurt that his wife would break the trust he had carefully given her. Cassie took an offensive stance and, instead of apologizing, defended her actions by saying she never actually cheated. She reasoned how she could cheat on a man who was thousands of miles away.

The affair ended, and the couple chose to remain together; however, Richard, who forgave Cassie, could never forget the event. Cassie was incensed that her husband would not simply forget the betrayal that took place. 

I explained to Cassie that the human mind does not work that way; one can’t forget, but you can choose to forgive. Forgiving allows Richard to remember the event but let go of the pain and anger he once held.

Allow yourself to forgive while learning from the past

Forgiveness Strategy #2 – Forgiving does not mean you condone the behavior.

Ego and pride are powerful emotions, and many times, they can prevent us from forgiving, even if, deep down, we genuinely want to. Sometimes, family members or friends reinforce a grudge, enabling us to nurse our ill feelings. 

Other times people take a ‘get even’ approach, believing ‘tit for tat’ will somewhat even the score. This is destructive and immature and often leads to the collapse of a once-strong relationship.

For example:

Whenever Michelle and Damien fought, they became trapped in a battle of the wills. Nothing irritated Michelle more than when her husband left his dirty dishes on the counter, so whenever a fight ensued, the dishes began appearing on the counter.

Michelle knew her husband’s games and refused to clean up his mess. Dishes began to pile up, and the resentment grew until Michelle eventually ran out of crockery, gave in, and washed his dirty dishes. When I asked Damien why he did this, he replied, ‘Show her how angry I am.’

I explained to Damien during one of our sessions how counterproductive his behavior was and that just because Michelle gave in and washed the dishes did not mean he ‘won’ the fight or that she in any way condoned his behavior.

Damian stopped using the dishes to punish his wife. Over time, they learned to communicate their feelings, de-escalating disagreements by taking time apart to cool down and then coming together and talking when thinking logically and not with the reactive side of their brain. (link to that article).

When you practice forgiveness and acceptance by developing the skill of tolerance towards differences in opinions, values, and diverse lifestyles, you discover a new way to navigate life’s difficulties.

To learn more about recognizing destructive patterns of blaming and avoiding responsibility, download our mini-course, “Why Couples Fight: A Psychologist’s Guide to Understanding Relationship Conflict.”

In this mini-course, we emphasize the importance of centering your mind and body, creating a state of mental and physical calm. We teach you the value of being mindful of your emotions and the importance of acting objectively rather than subjectively. Additionally, we explore concepts such as “dropping the bone,” mastering the art of taking the high road in an argument, and how to deflect sarcasm. While these skills are crucial to every relationship, they are often overlooked. Here, we guide you and help you develop these essential skills so that you can rely on them when stress and conflict inevitably arise.

Our entire course is also available on our website, as well as books, our blog, and other classes. www.angercoach.com, follow the link and start your journey to a harmonious relationship. 

To schedule an appointment, please click here.

Have you ever been to a restaurant and had a table of people next to you that made your night out utterly miserable? I certainly have, and it happened recently. I invited my wife to dinner, hoping for a relaxing, romantic evening. However, the whole experience was a nightmare! The table next to ours must have thought they had the restaurant to themselves. They were loud and increasingly drunk while their children ran countless loops around our table, screaming and playing tag. The parents seemed entirely unaware that their children’s and their own behavior was affecting other guests. This lack of awareness, however irritating, often indicates a person needs to be more socially and emotionally alert to their actions.

Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, is a fundamental aspect of human connection. As a Psychologist, I have witnessed the transformative power of empathy in countless relationships. This article will explore why empathy is essential in fostering healthy, fulfilling, and resilient relationships.

Empathy is more than just a warm and fuzzy feeling; it is a multifaceted psychological phenomenon rooted in our capacity for emotional intelligence. It encompasses various aspects, including cognitive empathy (understanding another person’s perspective) and emotional empathy (feeling what another person feels). These components work harmoniously to create a deep and meaningful connection between individuals.

Lacking empathy in a relationship can be profoundly harmful, as it creates a void where understanding, emotional connection, and trust should thrive. Without empathy, you may struggle to comprehend your partner’s feelings and experiences, leading to miscommunication, emotional distance, and an erosion of intimacy. 

This lack of understanding can give rise to conflicts that remain unresolved, festering beneath the surface and ultimately destabilizing the foundation of the relationship. Sadly, the absence of empathy can leave a partner feeling unheard, dismissed, or unimportant, creating a breakdown in trust and emotional disconnection that can be exceedingly difficult to repair.

Enhancing Communication: Empathy serves as a cornerstone for effective communication. When we genuinely understand and acknowledge the emotions and thoughts of our partner, family member, or friend, it creates an open and receptive environment for sharing and discussing matters of the heart.

Building Trust: Trust is a vital component of any relationship. Empathy demonstrates that we are attuned to our partner’s needs and feelings, which builds a sense of security and trust. It reassures our loved ones that we are there to support and understand them.

Conflict Resolution: In the face of conflict, empathy plays a pivotal role in finding common ground and resolving issues. It enables us to step into our partner’s shoes, providing insights into their perspective, motivations, and concerns. This understanding can pave the way for compromises and solutions.

The Benefits of Empathy in Relationships

Empathy is not merely a feel-good sentiment; it yields tangible benefits that profoundly enrich our relationships.

Deeper Emotional Connection: Empathic individuals forge deeper emotional connections with their partners. This connection fosters intimacy, allowing for a sense of closeness and vulnerability that helps strengthen the bond between individuals.

Strengthening Resilience: Relationships are not immune to challenges and hardships; it is typical for arguments to occur within the healthiest of relationships. When empathy is present, couples are better equipped to weather the storms together. Knowing that your loved one understands and supports you through tricky times can be a tremendous source of strength.

Conflict Transformation: Empathy is a potent tool for transforming conflicts into opportunities for growth. Instead of escalating disagreements, empathic individuals seek to understand their partner’s underlying emotions and needs, enabling them to address the root causes of conflict.

Cultivating Empathy in Relationships

Empathy is not a fixed trait but a skill that can be cultivated and honed. Here are some practical strategies for nurturing empathy in your relationships:

Active Listening: Pay close attention to what your partner is saying without interrupting or formulating your response. Show that you are fully present and engaged in the conversation.

Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage your loved one to express their thoughts and feelings by asking open-ended questions that invite deeper conversation. Such as “How does that make you feel?” or “What can I do to help improve this situation?”

Validate Emotions: Acknowledge your partner’s emotions and validate their feelings, even if you don’t necessarily agree with their perspective. This demonstrates empathy and respect, for example: “I hear you are feeling frustrated about the situation; I want you to know I value your perspective.”

Practice Perspective-Taking: Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try to understand their point of view. This exercise in perspective-taking can enhance your empathy.

Express Empathy Verbally: Let your partner know you understand their feelings and support them. Simple phrases like, “I can see why you feel that way,” can go a long way.

In conclusion, empathy is the bedrock upon which trust, communication, and intimacy are built. By cultivating empathy in our relationships, we create a safe and nurturing space where understanding, compassion, and love can flourish. It is a quality to admire and a skill to practice daily to improve our connections within our relationships and with others.

To learn more about empathy and its importance in your relationship, download our mini-course, “Understanding your Partner: Unveiling the Secrets to a Deeper Connection.” 

In this course, we teach you to the art of Irimi. Here you learn to focus on your partner while centering yourself using your ‘wise adult’ frame of mind. Irimi involves using cognitive empathy to understand your partner’s perspective from a loving and harmonious place. There are six techniques that we cover that are designed to foster an environment of unity and togetherness making it difficult for continued hostility.

Our entire course is also available on our website, as well as books, our blog, and other classes. www.angercoach.com, follow the link, and start your journey to a harmonious relationship.

It is easy to fall into communication patterns that harm us and those around us. Unfortunately, this often results in tense workplace relationships, soured friendships, and, in the case of your relationship, partner conflict that can inevitably lead to divorce.

Today, we will address two harmful communication styles and offer some techniques and examples to improve your communication.  

Harmful Pattern Number One: Passive-Aggression

Passive aggression is an emotionally harmful, covert manner of communicating feelings of anger but doing so indirectly. Some people may not be aware they are doing this, as it has become an ingrained part of their communication pattern. Others know what they are doing and use it to get back at people, to ‘stick the knife in’ instead of confronting them directly.

In my experience, passive-aggressive communicator tries to manipulate the situation to their advantage, using underhanded tactics, and when confronted, they often deny they are doing this.

Examples of harmful, passive-aggressive behavior:

• You are joking at your partner’s expense in front of your friends, humiliating them and making them feel lesser.
• You are playing dumb to frustrate someone or gain the upper hand.
• They are ignoring someone, walking out of the room when they speak, or refusing to answer them when spoken to.
• Nit-picking and arguing over small things to avoid dealing with the real issue.
• Perpetually portraying yourself as the victim, you take no responsibility or accept any need to change your behavior. 

Harmful pattern number two: Avoidance.

In marital research, this is also termed “stonewalling.” While this may occur in both genders, it is more prevalent in men than women. Avoidance refers to someone being emotionally unavailable and deliberately cutting themselves off from someone. They may not want anything to do with a specific person or avoid discussing the topic causing the conflict.

Avoidance can come in the form of walking out of the room, changing the subject, ignoring others when they speak, or making it known that their interest is elsewhere when the uncomfortable topic is brought up, for example, turning on the television as the discussion begins.

 For example, Sarah and Tom had been close friends since college, sharing a deep bond for over a decade. However, every few months, a minor disagreement or misunderstanding would trigger Tom’s intense anger. Sarah struggled to handle these outbursts; her response was to avoid his texts and calls for a week. This strained their friendship. Following each incident, she would withdraw and create emotional distance, leaving Tom feeling isolated and hurt despite his sincere apologies and efforts to repair the connection.

The Assertive Communicator

Assertive communication enables people to explain their thoughts clearly, wants, needs, and feelings to people without offending others or feeling the need to walk away or avoid the situation.

Assertive communication skill number one: Send a clear message.

An assertive communicator understands that body language is vital to good communication. Research shows that 80% of communication is done without words, using non-verbal behavior. If your comments say one thing, but your body language is saying another, the listener may need clarification. 

Imagine your friend pouring their heart out, saying their relationship just ended. You offer your sympathy and genuinely do feel for them, but all the while, you constantly look at your phone and check your watch while you gather up your car keys. The message would be clear. I am sorry, but I want to get out of here and get on with my day. You may not even be aware of your actions, but those we talk with certainly see the signs.

When talking with a loved one, pay close attention to your body language and actions. 

• Facial expressions 
• Eye contact
• Posture 
• Hand movement (fiddling with keys, phone)
• The tone of your voice

Assertive communication skill number two: Learn to listen.

Assertive communicators have well-developed listening skills. As you may notice, many people need to improve their listening skills. They may be distracted with their phones or simply waiting, somewhat impatiently, for their turn to talk rather than listening deeply to what you are saying.

Hearing occurs with our ears, while listening engages our hearts. Put down distractive devices, take a deep breath, and actively listen to the other person. Think about what they are saying and let them talk openly and freely without interruption. When you reply, do so sincerely and respond from the heart instead of moving onto a topic that may interest you more.

 Just remember, taking the time to listen may help someone you love out of a place of inner turmoil. Being open to hearing brings you closer in your relationship and helps strengthen the bond you share.

Every day, the world we live in presents us with innumerable challenges. This results in a constant source of stress; from worrying if we are going to be on time to pick up the kids, what to prepare for dinner with little in the fridge to having to take time from work to care for your child who is home sick. Then there are the worries that keep us up at night; major financial struggles, the cost of living crisis, mortgage hikes to the constant media pressure highlighting the latest tragedy. No wonder we are all on edge.

Unfortunately, as our stress builds, so too can our anger. Participants in both my anger management class and relationship therapy sessions often say that they don’t always know what causes their stress, they are unable to pinpoint the exact issue but it seems overwhelming.

Stress is created when you have more demands placed upon you than you have the ability to meet those demands. For example, you must have four presentations completed by Friday, it is almost the end of the week and each presentation takes a day to prepare. The stress you feel builds as you watch the clock, struggling to make the deadline. Unfortunately, such stress is inevitable and is often brought home into the family environment.

One of the major challenges we face is trying to foster a loving and ongoing relationship with our partner while simultaneously coping with the daily demands and expectations of life. Sometimes this is simply not possible and it is our relationship that suffers, causing yet another source of anxiety.

In my years of practice, I have helped countless couples, guiding them through identifying their major source of stress, teaching them stress and anger management techniques, and how to repair problems building within a relationship due to these issues.

My new course, “Anger and your Relationship: The Road to Repair” focuses on providing you with the skills you need to transform your relationship from conflict to peace, even if your partner does not actively participate in the process.

You can click here to access the course.

The program consists of 23 short videos and many practical worksheets and exercises. This is presented in a way to keep you committed, motivated, and engaged.

We also offer mini-courses of the same program.

“The challenges you have faced, the heart break you have felt may someday

inspire others so they don’t have to walk the same path.”

Be kind to yourself and others and thank you for supporting us.

Kind regards,

Dr. Tony Fiore

One of the major challenges of living and thriving in current times is managing our stress levels in a world of complex demands and expectations. There are times when this proves very difficult and we can sometimes lash out at the ones we love.

Occasional emotional outbursts (within reason) are common in a relationship however when anger becomes a daily occurrence, it is time to take a look at our behaviour and makes changes for our own wellbeing and for those around us.

Surviving in an environment of anger or similar emotions proves challenging for any relationship. Anger instills fear and creates emotional distance between individuals. On the other hand, simmering anger fosters an atmosphere of extreme tension, eroding trust and openness.

Often, people attempt to mend the damage caused by their outbursts or irrational anger, but this process is time-consuming and may not always be successful. A partner or family member may find it difficult to recover from the impact of the verbal outbursts. The negative emotions linger with them, as the image remains vivid long after it occurred – akin to a bell that cannot be “un-rung.”

To help couples learn about anger in their relationship and how to overcome this sometimes overwhelming issue, I have launched my new course titled “Anger and your Relationship – The Road to Repair” which can be taken alone or as a couple.

To take this new course, click on this here and begin your journey to relationship harmony.

Conflict is inevitable in every relationship, however it is very important to learn to understand, resolve and then move forward from the source of this conflict when it arises.

During therapy, I tell my patients to “Think of yourself and your partner as a team, working through problems as a ‘we’ as opposed to a ‘You’ and ‘Me’.”

This allows a couple to work together as a team to help reach a harmonious outcome. Doing so also allows you to understand others opinions and points of view uniting you as a team.

By asking: “How can we work together so that we can both be on the same page?” or “What can I do to help reach this outcome?” enables you to work as a team, encouraging conversation and bonding you as a couple as you work together harmoniously.

As you learn to solve issues together, to find common ground, you discover that problems that once felt overwhelming can be solved in a harmonious and loving manner.

If you or your partner are struggling to communicate effectively leading to perpetual arguments, I encourage you to take our new course titled “Repair my Relationship”. It can be taken either alone or as a couple.

Empathy is a crucial tool for healthy relationships whether they be friendships or romantic relationships. If you want to learn more about how you can develop a stronger sense of empathy in your relationship I’ve put together a 14-page report that’s FREE. You can learn the valuable tools needed to repair your relationship through the power of empathy!

Everyone has heard of road rage incidents wherein usually calm and responsible people “snap” and commit an aggressive or violent act. Turns out, that “losing one’s temper” can occur in many different life situations and cause serious emotional or physical harm to others. It is a pattern in which tension builds until an explosion brings relief, followed later by regret, embarrassment, or guilt. Called “Intermittent Explosive Disorder” (IED), it is defined by attacks of impulsive rage that seem out of proportion to the immediate provocation and has serious consequences such as verbal abuse, threats, property damage, assaults, and injury.

How common is it?

As reported in the September, 2006 edition of Harvard Mental Health Letter recent research on IED is showing that this condition is more common and more destructive than anyone had supposed. One study showed that people with more severe cases (at least three rage attacks in one year) averaged 56 life-time attacks resulting in an average of $1600 worth of property damage and 23 incidents in which someone required medical attention.

Who is most likely to have these episodes?

According to research, the percentages suffering from this disorder are about the same for men and women, blacks and whites. Only age made a difference. Younger people were more likely than older people to show these uncontrolled rage episodes. As you might suspect, persons who suffer from IED are more at risk for other emotional problems because of the increased stress in their lives.

What causes the attacks?

Behavior patterns such as rage attacks are complex and often are a combination of what is going on in your brain chemistry, what is occurring in your life and also what emotions your thinking patterns are causing.

Scientists do not yet have the answers as to what triggers rage episodes but it may have to do with brain chemistry problems as well as the outlook that people have about life as well as attitudes about how to handle life frustrations and stress.

What treatments help?

According to the Harvard Mental Health Letter, “Anger management through a combination of cognitive restructuring, coping skills training and relaxation training look promising.” This means that to control rage, people need to learn how to think differently about life events, and to learn specific skills to deal with common anger “triggers.” One of the recommended skills is that of learning to deal with stress through relaxation training.

Other skills that we our anger management clients have found to be extremely useful include:

• Developing empathy toward others (seeing the world as they see it)
• Taking charge of how you respond to stress, rather than just reacting instinctively
• Changing self-talk to create different emotions in response to anger triggers
• Learning to communicate assertively rather than with anger
• Letting go of resentments, grievances and grudges
• Retreating to think things over and calming down before blowing up in rage

How can you find a program for you?

Anger management programs are becoming more common across the country. The following resources provide directories of qualified providers, some of which teach the specific skills listed above:

• National Anger Management Association (NAMA) at www.namass.org
• American Association of Anger Management Providers at: www.aaamp.org
• Century Anger Management which specifically trains providers in the listed anger control skills: www.centuryangermanagement.com

In addition, there are a variety of home-study and online programs appearing on the internet. The quality of these programs vary a great deal, so it is prudent and wise to pick one that is authored by credible mental health professionals and is approved or certified by state agencies (although unfortunately most states do not approve or disapprove anger management programs) or other professional bodies.

Case #1- Elizabeth, a 40 year old homemaker was always feeling angry and “used” by her family, constantly saying that everybody took advantage of her. She felt that she worked like a slave but her family showed no appreciation or acknowledgment of her many efforts.

Case #2- Bill, a 34 year old husband complained that his critical wife was always angry at him. He spent his life trying to cope with her outrages which often escalated him into defensive anger which didn’t happen anywhere but in this relationship.

Case#3- Betty, a 42 year separated mother struggled with her soon to be ex-husband’s contempt and disrespect every time she angrily called him to discuss details of their divorce.

These three cases bring up the question often asked by participants in our anger management classes: Is it possible to control how family members treat us? The short answer is “no” — but often we can teach them to treat us better!

Believe it or not, we are constantly teaching our family how to treat us— both by our responses to their behavior, and by the behavior we display to them which they react to. In our case examples:

By automatically doing whatever her husband and children requested, Elizabeth was “teaching” them that there are almost no limits to what she would do for them. With his behavior, Bill was actually teaching his wife that the way to get attention from him (even if it was negative attention) was for her to create drama.

Betty was so intimidated by her husband, that her defensive “attitude” was “teaching” him that to deal with her, he had to push back with the contempt and disrespect that he constantly showed her.

The dance of anger

Our interchange with family members is often like a carefully choreographed dance. They make a move. You make a move in response to their move. They then respond to what you said or did and ….well, you get the idea!

How do you change the dance? Start by seeing yourself as a teacher—of how you would like your family to treat you.

Four ways to change what you teach others

1. Try a softer-start-up. Marital research shows that the first few seconds of an interaction can predict the final outcome of the encounter. Try being softer, more polite, more respectful, less hostile, or more empathetic—and see how this change in your approach actually teaches others to respond better to you.
2. Take a time-out before dealing with the conflict or situation. Conflicting or arguing family members often work themselves up to a point at which problem solving is impossible. The solution is to retreat and give yourself time to calm down and think things over. This takes at least 20 minutes, often much longer. Before taking your time out, it is important to tell the other person that you will commit to returning soon to deal with the conflict, after you are calmer—then be sure to do it!
3. Acknowledge that you see how they must be seeing the situation. Called “empathy,” this response on your part teaches others that you care about their feelings and viewpoints, and opinions. Acknowledgment doesn’t mean that you necessarily agree with their viewpoint—only that you see it. Sometimes, your family needs to know that you care about them and respect their opinions before they listen to what you say.
4. Set limits and boundaries for your family members. Limits and boundaries are basically rules regarding acceptable behaviors toward you as well as what you are willing or not willing to do. If you feel others are taking advantage of you, ask yourself what you may be doing (or not doing) to give the message it is “ok” for them to do whatever they are doing. Often you can change their behavior toward you by teaching them different rules of being with you. The easiest way to do this is simply to respond differently yourself. For instance, they make you the core of a nasty joke. Being a nice person, you pretend it doesn’t bother you( even though it does), so you laugh with everybody else. As an alternative, try not laughing with them, which is a way of teaching them that they have crossed a boundary with you.

Tom and Mary have been married for 10 years. Both are employed. Let’s listen in on an angry conversation they are having in their kitchen while making dinner:

(curtain up)

Mary: Would it have killed you to stop off on your way home to buy me some Valentine flowers?

Tom: You should have seen the traffic. It was horrible. I didn’t have time to stop. Besides, last week you never picked up my dry cleaning like you promised.

Mary: That’s the feeblest excuse I ever heard! I’ll tell you what it REALLY is. You forgot to get me something because you don’t care anymore.

Tom: How can you say that? I just built that bookcase for you, didn’t I? And didn’t I just change the oil in your car last Saturday?

Mary: Fine! (said with a hollow and sarcastic tone)
Tom: Anything good on TV tonight?

(curtain down)

After this interchange, the children came into the room which resulted in Mary and Tom focusing on them and thus avoiding each other the rest of the evening. Although neither could admit it, they were both miserable and lonely, wanting to connect with each other but not knowing how.

Turning each other into strangers

Even though they loved each other, Mary and Tom had effectively turned each other into strangers, feeling miles apart emotionally while sitting at the same table, sleeping in the same bed, and living in the same house.
Both felt misunderstood, angry, resentful and unappreciated.

Turning each other into enemies

In contrast, Dennis and Nancy , married only 6 months, found themselves constantly at odds with each other. Let’s listen in on their latest fight:

(curtain up)

Nancy: You left the toilet seat up again, just like a little boy. I almost sat in the water at 3AM this morning.

Dennis: You would think that an intelligent woman like you would remember to look to see if the seat was up or down before sitting down.

Nancy: You are inconsiderate and selfish and purposely do things to irritate me.

Dennis (to Nancy): I forgot! Get off my back.

Dennis (to himself): Why should I give in her to? Last week she wouldn’t even have sex with me after I bought her that expensive Valentine’s gift.

(curtain down)

Anger is a “fall-back” position

In both these marriages, anger is seen as “fallback” behavior—what the couple resorted to when they were unable to express themselves to their partners in any other way. Their goal wasn’t to fight: it was to be heard by the other, to control the other, or to get the other to change some problem behavior.

The crossroads moment

Truth is, at any moment in your relationship with your partner, you can elect to either antagonize them, alienate them, or turn them into an ally.

Solve the moment—not the problem

Anger in marriage is often generated by couples trying to solve an unsolvable issue. Many issues are unsolvable if attacked directly—this is true no matter who you are married to.

These issues are “perpetual” and successful couples find a way to be with each other despite these differences.

Rather than demanding change, (which often leads to frustration and anger), try instead opening up an honest dialogue around the dispute to develop deeper understanding of why both you and your partner feel as you do.

Seeing things from their point of view can do wonders to soften conflicts and decrease tensions, even if the original issue remains. Often your partner will try harder to change if they see that you are trying to understand them better.

You may also find that you too try harder to “soften” your anger if you feel that your partner is trying to understand your feelings around the issue.
Being on the same side of the issue—allies— is the key to dealing with it, even if the actual problem is never solved!

According to famed therapist Terry Real, the short answer is:

“To disarm an angry woman, give her what she needs.”

To illustrate this point, let me introduce to 55 year-old Jerry who came to see me because his very angry (Linda) gave him the ultimatum of seeing a therapist or a divorce lawyer. (He had to think about this for awhile, but decided a therapist was the lessor of the evils)

The Case Of Jerry
Jerry, a successful real estate developer, wasn’t a bad guy – he just didn’t have a clue as to why his wife of 10 years was always angry at him. If she wasn’t yelling, (even raging), or criticizing, she talked to him with absolute contempt. This, despite the fact that he was an excellent provider, he was a great father to their children, and he was well thought of in their social circles and their community. He did not drink excessively and he was not unfaithful to her.

He felt he could do nothing right in her eyes – but honestly couldn’t see anything he was doing wrong either. Again, her constant anger and dissatisfaction mystified him.

At first, he became defensive to ward off her attacks and protect himself. Jerry often argued with her by offering all kinds of logical reasons why he did what he did that upset her, trying to convince her that she was mistaken, that she was wrong, that she was exaggerating, or worse, that she was crazy.

Her response? More angry. In fact, now the anger included not only the original complaints, but the fact that he was so emotionally unaware that he didn’t understand at all what she was really upset about.

Jerry tried to stay out of trouble
To stay out of trouble, he started avoiding his wife more and more both physically (including sexually) and emotionally. After all, he reasoned, why stand in the path of gunfire when someone is shooting at you?

Like many beleaguered husbands, he mistakenly attributed his wife’s mood swings and anger to menopause or other medical explanations for her behavior.

When he mentioned this to her, again her level of anger increased because she saw it as a way to disavow his contribution to what she saw as her justifiable anger toward him.

Underneath, Linda saw herself as being emotionally victimized by her husband. Consequently, she felt justified in her anger and justified in her need to protect herself by attacking him.

Jerry saw himself as a good husband
Jerry, for his part, certainly didn’t see himself as victimizing his wife in any way. His motive was to please her, so he would have a peaceful life, but he just didn’t have the skills needed to deal with Linda and her emotional needs.

He grew up in a home and at a time period in our history where no one taught him how to deal with the emotional needs and raised expectations of modern women who demand much more out of their relationships than did many women of an older generation.

So, what are these skills exactly, that Jerry and thousands of other men in our society need to learn and acquire to disarm an angry wife?

(Note – I had to learn them too. The rules have just changed over the years.)

Are you ready for the shocking answer?

3 disarming skills to use on a daily basis

Skill #1: Learn better “Empathy. “ To do this, start actually listening more to her. Seriously, listen more to your wife- not only the facts and information she talks about, but how she feels about what she is telling you- and the underlying meaning to what she is saying.

Remember, “hearing” your wife is not the same thing as “listening” to her. Developing better empathy skills requires getting out of yourself and practice seeing the world as your wife does, even if you don’t agree with her. Then acknowledge to her that you understand how she sees the issue.

Skill #2: Find ways to emotionally connect on a daily basis, even if it is only for a few minutes. Think of your marriage as a plant sitting out on your back patio. To survive, both must have daily watering and sunshine. Respond to her “bids for affection.”(ways she is trying to connect with you) Ignoring or blowing off such bids is not a good idea.

Skill #3: Show More emotional vulnerability. Don’t double down on issues of disagreement. For many women, male vulnerability is the pathway to her feeling close to you.

Enlightened men who trust their partner enough to show vulnerability are able to drop their defensiveness, to share feelings with their wife, and be brave enough to risk allowing your wife to see you for who you really are.

Downloads

Download a FREE PDF file called “The Active Listening Worksheet” that will help you develop listening techniques discussed in this article.

Audio version

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Anger and partner narcissism: Betty and Jason

Betty and Jason had been married for 5 years and were now being seen in couples therapy because of almost constant conflict. Jason saw the problem as “Betty’s anger” which he couldn’t cope with and caused him to completely emotionally shut down. He constantly threatened divorce lamenting that he wished he had married a “sweet” girl. Betty said her anger was only because of him; she had many friends and no history of anger problems in any other relationship or areas of her life. But, she indeed was enraged with her husband who constantly berated and criticized her, tried to lower her self-esteem, could not satisfy her most basic needs as a woman, and constantly manipulated her by giving her hope for change and then completely reversing himself the next day. She called it “crazy-making.”

What is a narcissist?

Simply put, a narcissist(75% are male) is usually self-absorbed and preoccupied with a need to achieve the perfect image and have little or no capacity for listening, caring or understanding the needs of others. That is, they lack empathy. Wives of narcissists complain that their husbands are emotionally unavailable leaving them feeling lonely and deprived. Therapists who treat them see them as having variations of the narcissistic trait: they may be bullies; they may be show-offs; they may be an addictive self-soother (into alcohol, drugs, internet porn); they may present themselves as “the entitled one.” They are often easily offended by even mild “push-back” from their partners. Often, they are extremely defensive and spend an inordinate amount of energy just protecting their fragile ego.

How does narcissistic behavior affect their partner?

As they say, it takes two to tango. Almost no one can push people’s buttons like the narcissist can. No place is this more true than in the interaction of a narcissist and their partner. Narcissists have an uncanny ability to activate certain “schemas” or belief systems in your brain which you may be unaware of but still greatly influence you and how you react. For instance, you may have a schema of abandonment because of early issues with attachment (or lack thereof) with your primary caretaker as a child. Because you are so fearful of being rejected or alone, you will put up with the limitations and tormenting behaviors of your narcissist.

There are many other such schemas that may be “hard-wired” into your thinking. See “resources” at the end of this blog to learn more and gain understanding into why you may find yourself locked into a dysfunctional and maybe destructive relationship with narcissist even though you realize it is toxic.

Should you fight for your relationship with a narcissist or throw in the towel?

There are certain circumstances where an intimate relationship with a narcissist isn’t worth fighting for, especially if they are a threat to your (or your children’s) security, safety and stability. This is an issue of “discernment” –please see latest blog for discernment guidelines to help you gain clarity regarding the future of your marriage with a narcissistic partner. Or, see a discernment therapist in your local area.

How to deal with your narcissist if you decide to tough it out:

• Your main weapon in dealing with a narcissist is something called “confrontational empathy”. This is close to something called “tough love” that you might use with your adolescent.
• After your schemas get triggered, you may feel speechless and at the end of your rope. You may feel powerless, raw and just plain fatigued in trying to cope with him. But, you have to find a way to communicate with him to save your sanity. The key is “empathic communication-get inside his head.”

Note: DO NOT use this approach of empathy If you feel unsafe or abused; in that case, protect yourself and do not try to be empathetic.

Empathy is not simply compassion; it is communicating that you see things from the narcissist’s point of view, even though you may not agree with it. Remember that rather than tuning in to others, the narcissist remains caught up in the pursuit of approval. His focus is “all about me”, without caring much about you or others.

He is thinking to himself: “How am I doing? She really likes me. I think I nailed it. I think I impressed him. I wonder if they like what I just said. I’ll show them.” This “all about me” focus prevents the narcissist from truly engaging in interactions. He leaves you feeling lonely, empty and frustrated.

As Wendy Wendy Behary points out in the book “Disarming the Narcissist: Survivng and Thriving with the Self-absorbed” says:

Because empathy allows you to deeply understand who the narcissist is and why he is that way, it’s the perfect antidote, fortifying you to stand your ground, hold him accountable, and no take responsibility for his issues. Best of all, you can show up in interactions with him without the burden of exhausting anger, defensiveness, or submission. You get him. You may even feel badly for him and might even tell him that, but you can do so without giving in and without giving up your rights.

The strategy of confrontational empathy also involves setting limits, establishing what she calls the rules of reciprocity and the need to use time-out procedures to cool down before engaging the narcissist. Read more details of these strategies in her self-help book.

How high should you set the bar for yourself or others in term of what you expect?

This was a recent discussion topic brought up by Robert in a recent fast-track anger management seminar that we held in Newport Beach, California. Set the bar too high and the gap between what you expect and what you get can cause disappointment, anger, and other undesirable emotions.

Yet, hope springs eternal, especially in regard to family members.

We can spend our whole lives hoping against hope that others will finally change, see the light, treat us better, or acknowledge us in the way we need to be acknowledged.

Yet, as Robert discovered, sometimes this is not to be, despite our best efforts and our noble intent. Robert is 65 years old, yet has almost daily angst over his relationship with his 90 year old father who lives in the Midwest. They talk to each other perhaps 3 times a year, with Robert always having to initiate the calls. His dad says “children should call parents; parents do not have to call children.”

In his dad’s mind that is just a fact, the way the world is. This rule of family interaction is written in a book somewhere, known only to parents.

Despite a lifetime of not being able to emotionally connect with each other, Robert decided enough was enough and made arrangements for him and his wife to visit his father this summer. He emailed the old man, asking if the visit dates were satisfactory. Robert had expectations that his Dad would be thrilled to get a visit (at 90 years old, one doesn’t want to wait too long). He also asked for hotel recommendations nearby.

The father’s response was two lines: “Those dates are OK. Will send you a list of hotels to your home address.” The coldness of it all made Robert’s head reel. Robert experienced immediate sadness, and frustration. These feelings “pulled up” a lifetime of memories of other similar encounters with his father that generated the same negative feelings.