Relationships, no matter how perfect they may seem, always come with some bumps in the road, and there inevitably comes a time when we must have that dreaded ‘tough talk’ with our partner. The movies portray this as the ‘we need to talk’ moment, a cliffhanger where the audience wonders whether their relationship will survive this momentous event.
Real life plays out differently than the quintessential Hollywood movie. Often, the buildup and eventual resultant tough talk come after a huge blow up, when stress levels run high, or we have had a terrible day at work and decide this is the perfect moment to pick apart the fabric of our relationship.
Like most things in life, there is a time and a place for everything. Approaching a hot-button topic or navigating that difficult conversation we have been putting off is best left when you and your partner are in a positive emotional and mental space.
Take Time to Mentally Prepare
It is vital to prepare yourself emotionally and mentally. The object of the discussion is not to ‘win’ or to make the other person feel bad; it is to open up the lines of communication to understand each other better so that you can set yourself on a pathway to repair.
Reflect on your feelings and take notes if this helps, as sometimes, you can forget what you want to say during a discussion. Also, note down or think about the outcome of the discussion. What would you like to achieve?
This allows you to talk clearly without trying to remember or worry that you may need to remember specific points.
A Time and a Place for Everything.
Timing and setting are crucial elements to preparing for a tough talk. The last thing you want is to pour your heart out to your partner when the kids are screaming around the house while dinner preparation is underway.
Choose a time when both you and your partner are in a good frame of mind and a private place free from distractions. It may help to schedule the time for your conversation, allowing you both to prepare mentally and physically so that your chat can start off on the right foot.
Being mindful of the timing and setting will show your partner that you respect their space and are serious about the conversation.
Use “I” Statements
One of the most powerful ways to communicate your feelings is to use “I” statements. People can argue when told, “You made me feel,” as this can be confrontational. However, when you say, “I felt hurt” or “I felt disrespected,” you express your feelings rather than blame your partner.
This manner of communication allows for open discussion, where your partner may also express how they feel. It is up to both parties to maturely acknowledge the other’s feelings and help them feel secure in opening up.
Listen Both With Your Ears and Your Heart
This may sound silly, but listening while being empathic is one of the keys to a successful relationship!
In my practice, couples often express feeling unheard in their relationship. They may feel that even though they are speaking, the other isn’t listening, and unfortunately, this is quite often the case. One person may be expressing their feelings while the other is forming counterarguments in their head instead of genuinely listening to what is being said. In this scenario, both people walk away unhappy.
When your partner is speaking to you, concentrate on what they are saying with their words and body language. As you actively listen, try to understand the situation from their perspective. It helps to summarize what they have said so that they feel heard or can correct you if you misinterpret their feelings. Statements such as “I understand that you felt hurt when I spoke to you in that manner; what can I do in the future to prevent this?” are a way to open the lines of communication and help understand each other’s perspective a little better.
Remember to Keep Your Cool
Things can quickly become heated during a tough talk, and it is essential to keep your cool and remain calm and respectful. I teach my patients that taking time out when needed is essential. Don’t just walk away; this will only cause more friction. Before you begin your discussion, agree that if things get a little too heated or you feel overwhelmed, let your partner know, take a time out, and resume the conversation when you are feeling centred and composed. Never follow the other person, attempting to continue the conversation. An agreed-upon time out means both agree to stop the conversation and walk away calmly.
Most importantly, refrain from name-calling, abusive language, and yelling. These will only deepen the scar on your relationship and could cause long-term damage and hurt. Remember to keep your voice kind, use empathy, and, again, if you feel yourself wanting to lash out, employ your time-out clause.
Focus on the Positives
When times get tough, and the inevitable discussion is underway, it is easy to get bogged down in the minutia of ‘he said, she said’, focusing on the negatives instead of working together to find a solution.
It is important to express your feelings and discuss the problems, but if you feel your conversation leaning heavily towards the negative, try to steer the talk back to possible solutions. The goal is to work together to resolve the issues you share.
Some of my patients find brainstorming using a pen and paper helpful, as is writing down ideas and scratching out ones they don’t feel will work as they go.
Agree to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable
It sounds like a tongue-twister, doesn’t it? It does make sense, though, as not all discussions end with everyone in perfect agreement. Sometimes, you and your partner will simply not see eye to eye, and that is okay; in fact, it can be healthy.
Most importantly, you have expressed how you feel, listened to your partner’s point of view, and may even have learned something new about the person you love.
Know that it is important to accept each other’s differences and be willing to compromise in a healthy manner. Every relationship is made from give and take.
Don’t be Afraid to Ask For Help.
There are topics within almost every relationship that couples continually fight over. Psychologists refer to these as ‘perpetual issues’. Navigating through perpetual issues can be tricky; sometimes, you need to seek professional help.
Seeking the help of a Psychologist allows you and your partner to express your feelings and emotions in a neutral setting, guided by a trained professional. Here, you can learn tools and techniques to help improve your communication and resolve conflicts effectively.
Committing to improving your relationship through tough talks may be difficult. Still, over time, you learn how to navigate the stress of these discussions, gradually opening up the lines of positive communication by using compassion, empathy, active listening and, most importantly, love.
This mini course introduces you to the concept and principals of Verbal Aikido and its application in marital communication. Verbal Aikido empowers you to resolve marital conflict in a harmonious manner that fosters unity in your relationship. We then explore the importance of emotional connection and how modern day technology has entirely changed our communication methods. Finally, we learn about conflict igniters, what this is, how this behaviour leads to contention and disharmony and we teach you how to address these behaviours effectively and harmoniously to achieve resolution.
This course features the following:
- Online class based on material developed by Dr Tony Fiore specific to anger and relationships
- 4 professionally created videos that explain the concepts and enhance your online learning experience
- Short and fun quizzes to give you feedback on your progress in learning the material
- Downloadable PDFs containing worksheets for you to complete at your leisure so that you can record and evaluate your progress through the program
Guest Article by Sherry Gaba
Conflict is difficult for many people. People with codependency often learn to avoid conflict due to fear of abandonment, rejection, and/or criticism. Learning conflict resolution skills makes it easier to handle conflict effectively so you learn not to fear confrontation. Often with the need to people please and receive outside validation, codependents avoid confrontation.
The following are skills you can use to lean into conflict in a healthy way rather then avoid it all together:
- Prepare by getting clear about the problem.Clarify your position by writing down talking points as reminders and to keep you focused.
- Practice your talking points with a friend or in the mirror.
- Use deep breathing to control your anxiety prior to the meeting. Take conscious breaths during the discussion.
- Be ready to experience the “newness” that change brings. If you can shift your thinking from a focus on the unknown to recognize that change involves “newness”—new things, people, places, and ideas—with at least some of it bringing excitement and interest, you’ll feel a whole lot better about it.
- Be clear about your bottom line and the things you are willing to negotiate. Understand that negotiation is part of the process and expect it.
- Look for points of agreement. Find things that you agree on and talk about how to find a win-win solution that benefits everyone.
- Do your homework. It helps to have a good idea of what the other person wants to strengthen your position in negotiations.
- Use assertive language. “I want. . .” Or “I would like. . .” Ask what the other person wants, then work toward a solution that works for both of you.
- Ask for clarification or details about anything you are unclear on.
- Take a break. If you feel overwhelmed by the process, take a break. Go to the restroom or get a drink and take some deep breaths.
- Give positive feedback. Let the other person know that you see their point of view, or agree on certain key issues.
- Table it. If you do not get the minimum you are asking for, suggest that you table the discussion for now and talk about it again later. Don’t give up or give in unless you are certain you have reached a stalemate.
Downloads
Download a FREE Worksheet PDF file called “Areas of Change” that will help you develop the techniques discussed in this article.
Sherry Gaba helps singles navigate the dating process to find the love of their lives. Take her quiz to find out if you’re struggling with co-dependency, sign up for a 30-minute strategy session, or learn more about how to get over a break-up. For more information visit www.sherrygaba.com or sign up today for Sherry’s online group coaching program. Buy her books Love Smacked: How to Break the Cycle of Relationship Addiction and Codependency to find Everlasting Love or Infinite Recovery