The Problem
“I can’t deal with my own children,” lamented a young mother in one of our anger management classes.“They won’t listen, they do exactly what they want, they constantly fight with each other, and they won’t do their chores without a major argument.”
This young mother was ashamed that she was constantly angry at her own children. In response to their behavior, she would yell at them, call them names, and make empty threats of horrible consequences for non-compliance.But these responses did not seem to work; in fact, it made things worse as the children developed resentment and increased defiance toward their screaming mother.
The Solution As in an airline emergency, first put the oxygen mask on yourself. Then, put the oxygen mask on your children. You can’t expect your children to show good coping skills. and to handle stress well if you are impaired yourself.
Start by learning and then teaching mindfulness. to your children. It is amazingly simple, yet very effective over time. It helps mothers first deal with their own stress and anger and then gives her tools to teach to their children so that they can generally cope better with life. The positive effects of mindfulness has much science behind it and has many applications for both children and adults.
Mindfulness can be many things, but at its core, it is the skill of learning to focus on our present thoughts, feelings and body sensations without judgement. Many people associate this with meditation, but meditation is only one path to achieve mindfulness. It is very useful for relaxation, but it is much more than that. For children, it helps them become more attentive, balanced, and aware. For some, it has the potential to help kids see their lives more clearly, to become more positive and less tired, and to chose appropriate life paths.Learn more about this on CPR Classes Tampa.
As a first step toward helping our stressed client deal with her own stress, we taught her various tools of anger control. As a starter, we introduced the concept of mindful meditation consisting of simple breathing exercises. Mindfulness helps both mother and child calm down, to re-focus on what is important, to become more reflective, and to perhaps teach both to respond in different ways to family stress. Research shows that mindful practices over time increase “emotional intelligence” in children as they better understand how their brain works and how to develop more self-control with that knowledge.
Following are some simple breathing meditations that mother and child can practice together, taken from a book called “The Mindful Child” by Susan Kaiser Greenland :
Counting 1-1-1-1-1-1. When you breath in, let your body relax. When you breath out, silently count one, one, one, until your lungs feel empty. Repeat by relaxing again as you inhale and silently counting two, two, two, two, two, as you exhale. Repeat once more by relaxing as you inhale again and silently counting three, three,three, three, for the entire out breath. Continue this exercise in sets of three breaths (counting 1 on the first exhale, 2 on the second, and 3 on the third), until your mind quiets and you can rest in the physical sensation of breathing without counting.
When teaching this to your child, be aware that it takes time for them to accept the idea. Don’t force the issue, or another power struggle may develop, making things worse. For younger children, you may have to start with a 1 minute exercise, then gradually expand the time as your child progresses and sees the benefit. Don’t force them to close their eyes; some people prefer to keep eyes open.
The actress Goldie Hawn has written a delightful book on mindfulness called “10 Mindful Minutes.” which I would recommend to all parents. Among the wise nuggets of information is the followng: “Mindful parenting involves recognizing and nurturing our children’s unique personalities and not seeing them as projections of ourselves. There’s simply no cookie-cutter standard for how to treat our children.”
In our anger management classes we teach parents to respond instead of react to the behavior of our children that is troublesome. Hawn, in her book, amplifies this approach by saying that “reactive parenting can be very detrimental for our children. Yelling at them for forgetting something or doing something we don’t like only frightens them – it doesn’t make them stop.” We can gain control over our anger by understanding that our higher thinking has been hijacked by our emotional state; hence, we’re no longer in control.”
Once parents learn to respond differently to their children – not just react in knee-jerk fashion- the next step is to teach their children the same. Children need to understand how their brain works and how to deal with anger and frustration that all people experience. Hawn explains this simply as follows: “The anger and frustration that we feel in such moments is simply our Guard Dog amygdala {section of the brain} responding to the perceived stressful situation and taking over our emotions. Once we understand this, we can learn to recognize when we’ve been hijacked and accept that the path back to clear thinking is mindful awareness. ….”
In summary, a mindful approach to parenting quiets the minds of both parent and child, reduces stress, and puts both of you more in control of your emotions. Doesn’t that sound better than living in a family with constant yelling, screaming, negativism, and fighting?
Anger is an emotion. But, angry emotions often trigger a specific behavior (like yelling, throwing things, hitting, insulting someone, etc) which causes problems for you either at home, at work, on the road, or in your family. Most people in our anger classes tell us that one of the reasons they exhibit the angry behavior is because they want to change someone or something, they want somebody to think a certain way (or not)  or to do something (or not).
That is another way of saying that the angry person is trying to somehow “influence” the behavior or thinking of another. Unfortunately, angry behavior usually does not work; even if it does, the cost is so high that it almost always just isn’t worth it. We teach that there are better ways to influence others without getting angry or antagonizing others. But, where to start?
Questions to ask yourself:
The place to start is by looking in the mirror. As painful as it might be, ask yourself if you are behaving in ways that increase the probability of getting what you need and want from your partner? In other words, you have a lot more influence than you might think in terms of getting different responses from your partner. Ask yourself, how do other partners behave that do get what they want or need? (I know what you are thinking: “The reason they get more of what they need is because they have a better partner.” That may be true, or partially true,  but it also may not be. So, better to first ask, “Do I behave like people that do get more of what they want or need ” and then see what happens if you change.
Case study
Jose and Maria have been married for ten years. Jose has his own business; Maria is a stay- at- home mom. Jose sees Maria as lazy because she often does not prepare meals regularly, she does not clean the house up to Jose’s standards, and she often is too exhausted to do fun things in the evenings. Worse, according to Jose, Maria rarely ackowledges his great contributions to the marriage (he is very successful in business, and he is a good dad) ), she rarely shows affection, and praise of any kind is very rarely given.
Jose handles his frustration by yelling at Maria, calling her horrible names related to laziness, and accusing her of using a diagnosis of depression as an excuse for  not doing the things, in his mind,  she should  be doing. As I asked Jose in one of our sessions, what does he think the probability is of getting her to do more around the house by yelling, calling her names, and criticizing? Research shows, I told him,  that yelling, name-calling and criticizing decreases the probability of change in partners.
Jose decided to try to change things by applying the tool of  Respond Instead of React (The third tool of anger management in our system- Video; Respond Instead of React). Next morning, the kids were screaming, he needed help and his wife was still in bed. But, instead of yelling at her as usual, he went upstairs and calmly told her, “Honey, I need your help. I am overwhelmed down here.” Guess what? Maria at first did not stir, but five minutes later she came down the stairs and pitched in. Now this was not an earth-shaking change, but it was a start and it meant a lot to Jose.
There are ways to influence the behavior of someone that work much better than other ways. These ways can be called “relationship habits.” Just like you should copy the golf swings habits of golf champions if you want to improve your golf game, or the financial habits of very successful people if you want more financial success, you should copy the habits of those that may be more successful in relationships than you may be. Old dogs CAN learn new tricks- and often they should!
Related Articles and Blogs:
How to tank your relationship – Part 1
How to tank you relationship – Part 2
How to tank your relationship – Part 3
On behalf of Tom Callos and myself, welcome to the following forward-looking martial arts instructors/owners who have recently completed training as Anger Management Educators for Marital Arts Instructors with The Anger Coach. Completion of this innovative 20-hour online program identifies them as forward-thinking members of their community and their profession. They see their mission as arming their students with a kind of mental self-defense that brings them peace and happiness for years to come. They will be teaching young people how to handle their emotions BEFORE they they become adults who have fallen victim to their own (or someone else’s) anger. They are PREVENTION specialists, who have tremendous influence with young people—and have dedicated their lives to the quest for personal mastery and self-defense. Anger management, in today’s world, is self-defense. If you live near their communities, contact them for more information.
Brian Myers: Greenwood, Indiana
Paul Gannon: Leicester, United Kingdom
Keith Turpin: Mocksville, North Carolina
Jason Gould: Framingham, Massachusetts
Again, congratulations to all our anger educators. If you would like to become a certified anger educator, you can get more information and sign-up by clicking here.
Dr Tony Fiore
News Item: “The Tennessee Titans are requiring Albert Haynesworth to continue anger-management counseling he started during a five-game NFL suspension for stomping the face of a Dallas Cowboys opponent.
Haynesworth worked out at the team’s headquarters Monday, the first day he was eligible to return. The Titans will allow him to rejoin the team at practice today (November 15, 2006).”
Is this type of anger display appropriate in sports? There are many that would say “yes” – that it comes with the territory in an aggressive sport like football.
Yet, I think it is important to separate the emotion from the behavior. No one can deny that angry feelings are often generated on the football field – after all, the purpose is to defeat your opponent; this is often easier if you motivate yourself by generating angry feelings.
Yet, in sports, like life, rules have to be followed regarding how that anger is going to be expressed and dealt with.
Losing control by stomping the face of another player is clearly not an appropriate expression of normal angry feelings.
In our anger management classes, we teach participants to “respond instead of react” as one of the eight tools of anger control.
This tools teaches people that as human beings we have choicesregarding which behavior we are going to attach to certain emotions like anger.
In other words, “anger feelings” does not need to translate to aggressive behaviors. There are many other choices such as ignoring it, handling it verbally, communicating about it after the game, etc.
Contolling emotions is especially important for atheletes who often serve as role models for thousands of children/adolescents who look up to them. Please click here to see how teaching them appropriate life lessons such as anger control can have a major impact on their future lives. Also read more about best paintball gun
In this first Episode of the AngerCoach Show, we highlight some practical ways to apply anger management tools in your life. Every month we will be offering new and viable tips and exercises for individuals seeking to offer help to loved ones, friends or who are interested in their own personal development.
In addition to these exercises, we also have an opportunity for listeners to have some interaction with the Aristotle Award – a recognition we give monthly to an individual who has exercised anger management in their lives. People can submit their own name, or the name of someone they know to Dr. Fiore. Each month a winner will be chosen and will receive their gift certificate from one of our sponsors.
Please note: This anger program and these anger tips are not meant to substitute for professional diagnosis, treatment or advice. If you have intense, serious or chronic anger problems, or you have to deal with someone else who does, you should immediately consult a mental health or medical professional for help.