Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the holiday season are by far my most treasured times of the year. My family comes together; we bask in the glow of stories of old, we meet the new faces that come into our home, and, of course, we eat ourselves silly, take luxurious midday naps, and learn colorful new words we never knew existed as we try to follow instructions as we assemble the little ones’ toys from Santa.

As the years crept up on me, I began to notice a trend; my Mom didn’t call this time of year the silly season for nothing. 

Things never used to be this way in my early years, or maybe it is just the rose-colored glasses of time clouding my judgment. Still, to me, so many people seem to be tripping over themselves to feel angry and incensed around what is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. 

Living in the city, I am used to short-tempered drivers, people pushing in line, or, the worst of all Christmas-time offenses, taking the parking space of someone already there waiting. However, this year, things seem to be different. 

I want to share a story with you that gave me insight into human nature and reaffirmed why I chose to specialize in anger management.

Last week, I walked into a post office I rarely frequent to drop some gifts in the mail in the hopes they would reach their destination before Christmas day. I was off in my own world, contemplating little more than whether I should send the parcels by express mail when I walked in on one of the biggest rows I have seen in a long time.

On the occasions I have seen arguments in a store, it is usually an ornery customer who has climbed high atop their soapbox and is giving the poor shop assistant an earful, knowing or thinking they can get away with their behavior. This time was very different.

Standing at the counter was a tall, well-dressed elderly lady with the most beautiful long grey hair I had ever seen. She had one parcel in her hand and was holding her other hand out, waiting to be passed the second package. Despite her seemingly calm exterior, her eyes were wide, and her demeanor was that of someone who was quite taken aback by the turn her day took.

I later learned that behind the counter were the two post office owners, and they were in full tirade mode. Owner number one, a small woman well into middle age, was waving the customer’s package above her head and exclaiming in fits and bursts that only the truly irate seem to be able to conjure: “If you could read, you would see you only have two packages to pick up, not three. Are you stupid or something?”

Owner number two, seemingly riled by his counterpart’s behavior, eagerly joined in on the abuse, name-calling, and actively antagonizing the older lady. 

I had no idea what had happened before I walked in, and given that I was the only other person in the shop, I had no way to gauge what had happened, so I quietly held my piece. 

Ms Pretty Hair kept her composure, listening to the continued jibes. She held her hand out, and in a quiet voice, she asked for her package.

The owners seemed to have moved past anger and were now out of control. In my experience, some people enjoy a good fight, and since Ms. Pretty Hair was not taking their bait, they moved from mad to incensed.

Recognizing this, I decided I had seen quite enough. So, not to antagonize the situation, I stepped forward and firmly said, “Excuse me, I would like to mail these packages and am on a tight schedule.”

Mr and Mrs Irate finally seemed to notice my presence. They gave the woman her package and, with his chest puffed out, Mr Irate haughtily told her to “Get out and don’t ever come back!” 

Mrs. Pretty Hair gathered up her last package, turned with the same shocked expression, and walked quickly out of the post office, casting one final distrustful glance over her shoulder. The owners then began pacing behind the counter and continued badmouthing the lady, justifying their terrible behavior to each other, forgetting I was even there.

As a psychologist, their performance intrigued me. As a customer, it both unnerved and angered me. Still holding my parcels, I walked out of the shop to see if I could find Ms. Pretty Hair, but she had disappeared.

As I drove home, parcels lying forgotten on the passenger seat, I wondered how people later coped with and processed confrontations when they ran into people such as Mr and Mrs Irate. 

Did the post office owners pause later to consider how their behavior may affect others? I honestly don’t think so, but what about the lady at the receiving end of their tirade? What challenges was she already dealing with, and did a stranger’s ill temper now exacerbate them? I hope she talked with someone about the incident, and they helped bring a smile to her face.

When dealing with ornery people, I like to take a deep breath before replying. Understand that their actions and rudeness may have nothing to do with you. I am not saying you should tolerate their behavior however it does not help to bite back or pour fuel on the fire.

If you are unlucky enough to stumble upon Mr. and Mrs. Irate, the best thing to do is simply walk away. No amount of niceness, trying to calm them down, or retaliation will resolve the issue. 

Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to change another person’s behavior, but we can change our own so we don’t become an awful experience in someone else’s life story. We all have times when we feel ticked off, frustrated, and snap easily, but I personally feel we should never take out the anger we feel on strangers. 

In my practice, people have expressed feelings of wanting to stay at home more than they once did for fear of confrontation. Others have taken themselves off social media because of the bullying; keyboard warriors and trolls are everywhere. Only last week, I turned on my TV to hear a talk show host speaking passionately about the election and how if a family member voted “The wrong way”, you don’t have to invite them to Thanksgiving or Christmas. 

This shocked me. There is so much division in our country already. Why is the media trying to rile people up and divide families? We should do all we can to show empathy to others, even if we disagree with their opinions. Yes, there may be friends and family you may not look forward to seeing, but there are ways to navigate confrontation that don’t include simply cutting them out of your life altogether.

Not everyone can or wants to examine their behavior, reflect on their actions, and ask themselves, “How could I handle this better?” but I think a great many of us can. 

We are all human, and when I am having a bad day, I sometimes fantasize about yelling at the driver who cut me off, telling them exactly what I think of their actions but I don’t. That is not who I want to be. 

I wonder, however, if we all took a little more time to reflect on how our behavior affects others, how many confrontations could be avoided? Instead of taking out our anger on another, try doing the opposite. 

If I encounter someone who seems to be having a bad day, I ask, “How is your day going?” More often than not, their demeanor softens as I took the time to ask them how they are. My hope is that this calms them down, and they may speak to the next person with more kindness. It reminds me of the movie Pay It Forward, released in 2000.

We may not be gifting strangers physical items that evenly lead to life-changing results; however, we can give the gift of empathy, kindness, and patience and hope that others will do the same. It takes very little to say “Thank you” or offer someone a smile or a sincere compliment.

If you find yourself confronted by the likes of Mr or Mrs Irate, remember to take a mental step back and try not to buy into their anger; this only empowers them. When you get home, practice self-care and be kind to yourself. Do something that will help you de-stress, take your pooch for a walk, sit down with a good book or enjoy a workout to get your endorphins flowing.

The holiday season is a time when trees sparkle in living room windows, and children wait excitedly for the pitter-patter of reindeer hooves on the roof, signaling Santa’s arrival. Unfortunately, this season can also bring out the worst in some people. Ms Pretty Hair’s encounter with the Irate’s reminds us how unchecked anger can ripple through the lives of not just those involved but also those who did not even witness the confrontation.

We all carry stress and burdens with us, especially as the holiday season draws closer. But remind yourself to show kindness, use empathy to understand another person’s point of view, and know that this can go a long way in helping diffuse tense situations.

Be patient with each other, assertive enough to walk away from negativity, and above all, protect your own sense of well-being, as perhaps this will inspire others to do the same. 

This is the season to come together, embrace family and loved ones and above all to eat, drink and be merry!

Last year, I wrote two articles to help my readers cope with the many challenges of the holiday season. I received wonderful feedback, so I am placing the links below:

If you would like to learn more about managing your expectations and coping with conflict, especially in your relationship, download our mini-course, Rise Above the Chaos and Embrace your Inner Smile.

In this course, we emphasize the importance of centering your mind and body, creating a state of mental and physical calm. We teach you the value of being mindful of your emotions and the importance of acting objectively rather than subjectively.   

Additionally, we explore concepts such as “dropping the bone”, mastering the art of taking the high road in an argument, and how to deflect sarcasm. While these skills are crucial to every relationship, they are often overlooked. Here, we guide you and help you develop these essential skills so that you can rely on them when stress and conflict inevitably arise.

Our entire course, books, blog, and other classes are also available on our website. Visit www.angercoach.com, follow the link, and start your journey to a harmonious relationship.

Have Road Anger? Think of Luigi

One day last week, I heard from a previous patient of mine named Jim, whom I had not seen for 15 years. I had long forgotten he was in one of my anger management classes. He called to refer someone else and told me he had always remembered my story about Luigi, which I had shared many years ago. He said it cured his road rage problem. I thought I’d now pass it on to you.

So, who is Luigi, and what does he have to do with road rage?

Luigi was a little Italian guy with a handlebar mustache who always wore a sauce-stained apron and a big smile. He owned an Italian restaurant and catering service. His motto was “We deliver hot and fresh.” 

The problem was that he was the sole owner of his catering service, so he had to make deliveries himself. This meant he had to drive and keep his pasta sauce from spilling out of the pot—as he delivered the genuine homemade sauce to his customers.

How did he do it? It was simple. While driving, he put the pot brimming with hot pasta sauce between his legs.

He had to drive slowly to prevent spillage and damage to delicate body parts.

His dedication to his business was great for the customer. But bad for whoever was driving behind him.

So, what has this got to do with my road rage patient?

Well, whenever Jim felt the urge to be impatient and frustrated when following slow-moving traffic, he would imagine that it was Luigi in front of him driving so carefully and slowly with this pot of hot pasta sauce between his legs.

What happened to his anger when he did this? He said it melted away as a big smile crossed his face.

Professionally speaking, this technique is called “using humorous imagery” to diffuse anger. It’s like reducing stage fright by imagining everybody in the audience being naked and or seeing (in your head) your pouting or demanding partner as a small child with a pacifier in his mouth.

You don’t have to tell the other person what is happening in your head. It’s a private thing.

If you struggle with anger in your relationship, download our course “Anger and Your Relationship, The Road to Repair”.

My course is designed to provide you with a comprehensive understanding of the dynamics of a relationship, the root causes of the issues you experience and provides you with a unique set of tools to turn to in times of stress. 

Each lesson features a professionally created video tutorial where I walk you through the steps and techniques taught throughout the course. Learn from helpful real-world examples from my many years of professional practice. Put the techniques to work in your daily life and see improvements in your relationship – even if your partner does not participate!

This course features the following:

• Comprehensive online class based on material developed by Dr Tony Fiore specific to Anger and relationships
• 23 professionally created videos that explain concepts and enhance your online learning experience
• Many short and fun quizzes to give you feedback on your progress in learning the material
• 48 page downloadable PDF containing worksheets for you to complete at your leisure – including a personal log so that you can record your experiences and evaluate your progress as you continue the program

Our entire course is also available on our website, as well as books, our blog, and other classes. www.angercoach.com, follow the link and start your journey to a harmonious relationship. 

To schedule an appointment, please click here.

Lack of sleep intensifies anger, impairs adaptation to frustrating circumstances

Losing just a couple hours of sleep at night makes you angrier, especially in frustrating situations, according to new Iowa State University research. While the results may seem intuitive, the study is one of the first to provide evidence that sleep loss causes anger.

Other studies have shown a link between sleep and anger, but questions remained about whether sleep loss was to blame or if anger was responsible for disrupted sleep, said Zlatan Krizan, professor of psychology at Iowa State. The research, published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, answers those questions and provides new insight on our ability to adjust to irritating conditions when tired.

“Despite typical tendencies to get somewhat used to irritating conditions — an uncomfortable shirt or a barking dog — sleep-restricted individuals actually showed a trend toward increased anger and distress, essentially reversing their ability to adapt to frustrating conditions over time. No one has shown this before,” Krizan said.

Eight things you can do to improve sleep:

1. Avoid alcohol, large meals, exercise and smoking at least two to three hours before bed.
2. Turn off from work and technology at least an hour before bed.
3. Go to bed as soon as you feel tired. If you wait too long, it will be harder to fall asleep.
4. Avoid watching TV or reading an exciting page-turner in bed.
5. Go to bed at around the same time each night. Ideally this should be before midnight.
6. Sleep in a dark, well ventilated room.
7. Deep sleep is the phase of sleep where you benefit most. It happens in the first third of your sleep. Avoid environments where you could be disturbed during this phase.
8. Aim for seven to nine hours of sleep per night

Read the original article from the Iowa State University website here.

THE ANGER-DAMAGE EFFECT ON YOUR HEART

Guest Article by By Alan Levy, Ph.D.

How does anger do its damage and contribute to heart trouble? In this brief article, I explain the physiological and psychological mechanisms that are problematic ways of handling frustration and anger. I also present 8 helpful hints to better manage negative emotions and protect your physical and mental health.

How does Anger Affect our Bodies?

First, here’s how the physiological mechanism of anger works, according to the nation’s top heart-brain research centers, such as the Cleveland Clinic: Emotions like anger and hostility stimulate the “fight or flight” response of your sympathetic nervous system, releasing the stress hormones, cortisol and adrenaline.

These chemicals significantly speed your heart rate and your respiration. Your blood pressure goes up, and your body is hit with a burst of fight-flight energy. That’s often what triggers someone to fly into a rage, to
begin yelling and even throwing things.

This heightened state of physiological activation is designed to mobilize you for real emergencies, but can become habitual. Chronically high levels of stress hormones cause extra wear on your cardiovascular system.

Even the walls of your arteries can be damaged by the frequent anger response, because of the extra load of glucose and fat globules secreted into the blood stream.

The Good News

The good news is that anger and hostility as a risk factor can be changed for the better, just as blood pressure or cholesterol can be modified. Of course, stress can’t be measured as easily as cholesterol, but you can learn to take responsibility for your emotional responses and modify them for the better. Here are a few tips to interrupt storms of explosive anger or relieve yourself of self-damaging, imploded anger.

1. Recognize, as early as possible, when you’re beginning to feel angry.
   
2. Pause, before saying something or doing something impulsively. The time-worn advice– “count to ten”– is still wise.
   
3. Put the situation into perspective. Ask yourself if this issue will matter 5 years from now.
   
4. Say to yourself: “If this is as big a deal tomorrow as it is now, I’ll deal with it then, when I’ve cooled off a bit.
   
5. Realize that, even though someone else’s behavior might have triggered your upset, blaming them for it won’t help you take responsibility for handling it well enough to regain your emotional balance.
   
6. Understand that acting angry is not the way to show that you really care about something or someone.
   
7. You may understand the nature of your problems with anger, but if you can’t put your insight into practice, it’s time to consult with an experienced therapist. Even a brief investment in counseling can
   produce remarkable results.
   
8. Finally, remember to take this to heart: a change of heart comes from a change of mind about how you handle frustrating situations.

To sum it up, stressful reactions such as anger, anxiety, guilt, or mood instability can add up to increased risk for all kinds of medical problems, including heart trouble. Taking care of your emotional health will pay off with big dividends in maintaining your physical health and well-being.

Dr Alan Levy is an seasoned psychologist who practices in Costa Mesa, California. His website: alanlevyphd.com

Downloads

Download a FREE Worksheet PDF file called “Areas of Change” that will help you develop the techniques discussed in this article.

It is a huge step for some people to commit to an anger management class.

Recently we had one fellow who was angry because he had to attend anger nursing courses. He shared that he came early, circled the building and then drove away, deciding that he was too angry to walk up the stairs to the class.

As he was driving away, it occurred to him that if he was angry at the anger management classes, maybe he did indeed have a problem.

So, he turned around and came back.

It takes a lot of courage to start a self-development program. It starts with the acceptance that one has a problem, a decision to overcome fear or resistance, and then a commitment to do something about it.

“How did your week go, Samuel?” I asked my married patient who  consulted me for anger management and anger management skills to deal with his wife.

“Much better,” he replied, “because I kept my mouth shut this time when I desperately wanted to argue with her because I knew I was right. I decided to apply one of the anger management tools you taught me.”

“What did you do instead?” I asked him.

Sam replied: ” I took your advice and simply left the house, went into the back yard for 10 minutes to cool off, then came back in and everything was OK. I didn’t argue with her over the issue because it wasn’t that important. I didn’t have to win this time; I just let it go.”

We continued our therapy session pet hair vacuum guide by agreeing that “talking” about an issue doesn’t always solve it. In fact, sometimes it makes it worse. In intimate relationships, sometimes it is best to let sleeping dogs lie, as they say. Believe it or not, over-asking about the issue sometimes becomes the issue.

Have you ever had this conversation with your partner?

“What are you upset about?”

“I’m not upset.”

“Yes, you are. tell me why you are upset. Was it something I said?”

“OK. if you insist. I am upset because you keep asking me if I’m upset.” (more…)

“Dr. Fiore,” the voice on the phone pleaded, “I need anger management classes right away. I blew up at my girlfriend last night and she said it’s over until I get help”.

As Kevin recounted the first night of anger management class, he and his girlfriend had argued in the car over which route to take home from a party. Events progressed from mild irritation, to yelling and name calling.

Things escalated at home. He tried to escape, but she followed him from room to room, demanding resolution of the conflict. He became angry, defensive and intimidating. he had not yet learned anger management skills.

Frightened, she left. Later, she left an anguished message saying that she loved him, but couldn’t deal with his angry, hurtful outbursts.

Kevin said that he normally is a very nice and friendly person. But, on this occasion, his girlfriend had been drinking before the party. In his view, she was irrational, and non-stop in criticism. He tried oxiracetam to reason with her, but it just made things worse. Finally, as Kevin saw things, in desperation he lost it and became enraged.

How should Kevin have handled this situation? What could he have done differently? What anger management skills would have helped? What actions should you take in similar situations?

(more…)

Thirty one year old Harry is a fairly typical client in our local anger management classes. At work he is considered a very nice man, a lamb, really. By his co=workers, he would be voted last place on a list of people who needed anger management.

But his wife Holly tells a different story. She would vote him numero uno on the list! When not yelling or criticizing her, he comes across as sarcastic, nasty and degrading to her. Yet, if asked privately how he felt about his wife he would say that he loved her and he doesn’t know why he treats her the way he does.

Harry doesn’t realize it, but he has developed a habit of communicating those ways to his wife when she says or does certain things that “trigger” him.

A habit is the opposite of mindfulness. It is going though a certain “routine” without even thinking about it. It is mindless behavior…automatic behavior…that does not involve thinking.

When a habit emerges, the brain stops fully participating in decision making. It stops working so hard – or diverts to other tasks.

Habits are often as much a curse as a benefit. They shape our lives- and our relationships – far more than we realize. They are so strong, in fact, that they cause our brains to cling to them to the exclusion of all else, including common sense.

A bad relationship habit can be formed long before we are in a relationship, often starting in childhood and strengthened throughout the years. How do habits form? According to author Charles Duhigg who wrote “The Power of Habits”, it takes constant repetition of three ingredients for a habit to form:

A Trigger of some kind

A Routine (Reaction to the trigger)

A Reward

Let’s breakdown Harry’s habit and see what it going on.

A Trigger (Holly “commanded” him in sharp voice to complete a “honey-do” around the house………

A Routine #1: Harry (in his head said to himself: “I am not a child; she can’t boss me around that way;I’ll say I will do it but then won’t actually do it until I am good and ready.”)

Routine #2- He says to holly: “Get off my back…you are the last person who should talk about getting things done….you can’t order me around…why don’t you worry about your stuff and I’ll worry about mine”

RewardGains control over wife; feels autonomous, able to rebel and get away with it

This habit cycle probably has occurred all Harry’s life starting with his mother or father (authority figures) and repeated often. Now, it is automatic; he doesn’t even think of trying to think differently.

Harry’s habit is what is known as a relationship “keystone” habit. It has a ripple affect on the family. Unfortunately, it is a negative affect.

Because of his habit the atmosphere of the whole house changes and is soured. Holly has been through this routine many times before with Harry. After waiting three hours for him to do the honey-do, she finally explodes and calls him a passive-aggressive person. They brood all night, barely talking to each other.There is no conversation at the dinner table. The children are upset and tense.

Can People change Habits?

The answer is YES with motivation, persistence and practice. The good news is that when we are dealing with keystone habits, one little change can ripple into many positive things.

How do we do it? According to Duhigg cited above, we change a habit by changing the “routine” part of the equation, since we often cannot change the trigger or the reward that we are after. That is, we RESPOND instead of REACT to the trigger. Harry should find a different way to deal with his wife’s commanding behavior. How about asking her to ask him in a nicer way? How about being honest with her and actually saying when he will do the task? How about telling her how her tone makes him feel?

Working on changing simple keystone habits is an excellent place to start to repair a relationship and get love feelings flowing again. I encourage it with my local patience because it is simple in concept, it is “do-able,” and it can make a large difference for relatively little effort put into it.

LEARN MORE PRACTICAL SKILLS INSTANTLY…….
Learn more practical tools for anger management and ways to handle conflict in your relationship in our acclaimed workbook Anger Management for the Twenty-First Century ebook. Instant download.

Next time: I will share the most common habit changes that couples make that really make a difference!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all readers. I write this from lovely Sante Fe, New Mexico while looking our at the majestic mountains and thinking about life and the role of anger in our lives. Then, I came across this article. while surfing the net. Although we do not teach anger management from a faith-based perspective, the following is excellent. clear, and is very much consistent with the tools of anger management that we do teach in our programs.

Enjoy…..be mindful of these points during the coming year, and lead your life putting anger in its proper perspective.

The following article is copied from the website http://www.gotquestions?org with permission to do so with proper attribution. Please visit their site if you have further questions on this topic.

Question: “Was Jesus ever angry?”

Answer: When Jesus cleared the temple of the moneychangers and animal-sellers, He showed great emotion and anger (Matthew 21:12-13; Mark 11:15-18; John 2:13-22). Jesus’ emotion was described as “zeal” for God’s house (John 2:17). His anger was pure and completely justified because at its root was concern for God’s holiness and worship. Because these were at stake, Jesus took quick and decisive action. Another time Jesus showed anger was in the synagogue of Capernaum. When the Pharisees refused to answer Jesus’ questions, “He looked around at them in anger, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts” (Mark 3:5).

Many times, we think of anger as a selfish, destructive emotion that we should eradicate from our lives altogether. However, the fact that Jesus did sometimes become angry indicates that anger itself, as an emotion, is amoral. This is borne out elsewhere in the New Testament. Ephesians 4:26 instructs us “in your anger do not sin” and not to let the sun go down on our anger. The command is not to “avoid anger” (or suppress it or ignore it) but to deal with it properly, in a timely manner. We note the following facts about Jesus’ displays of anger:

1) His anger had the proper motivation. In other words, He was angry for the right reasons. Jesus’ anger did not arise from petty arguments or personal slights against Him. There was no selfishness involved.

2) His anger had the proper focus. He was not angry at God or at the “weaknesses” of others. His anger targeted sinful behavior and true injustice.

3) His anger had the proper supplement. Mark 3:5 says that His anger was attended by grief over the Pharisees’ lack of faith. Jesus’ anger stemmed from love for the Pharisees and concern for their spiritual condition. It had nothing to do with hatred or ill will.

4) His anger had the proper control. Jesus was never out of control, even in His wrath. The temple leaders did not like His cleansing of the temple (Luke 19:47), but He had done nothing sinful. He controlled His emotions; His emotions did not control Him.

5) His anger had the proper duration. He did not allow His anger to turn into bitterness; He did not hold grudges. He dealt with each situation properly, and He handled anger in good time.

6) His anger had the proper result. Jesus’ anger had the inevitable consequence of godly action. Jesus’ anger, as with all His emotions, was held in check by the Word of God; thus, Jesus’ response was always to accomplish God’s will.

When we get angry, too often we have improper control or an improper focus. We fail in one or more of the above points. This is the wrath of man, of which we are told “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires” (James 1:19-20). Jesus did not exhibit man’s anger, but the righteous indignation of God.
——————————————————————————————–

The Problem
“I can’t deal with my own children,” lamented a young mother in one of our anger management classes.“They won’t listen, they do exactly what they want, they constantly fight with each other, and they won’t do their chores without a major argument.”

This young mother was ashamed that she was constantly angry at her own children. In response to their behavior, she would yell at them, call them names, and make empty threats of horrible consequences for non-compliance.But these responses did not seem to work; in fact, it made things worse as the children developed resentment and increased defiance toward their screaming mother.

The Solution As in an airline emergency, first put the oxygen mask on yourself. Then, put the oxygen mask on your children. You can’t expect your children to show good coping skills. and to handle stress well if you are impaired yourself.

Start by learning and then teaching mindfulness. to your children. It is amazingly simple, yet very effective over time. It helps mothers first deal with their own stress and anger and then gives her tools to teach to their children so that they can generally cope better with life. The positive effects of mindfulness has much science behind it and has many applications for both children and adults.

Mindfulness can be many things, but at its core, it is the skill of learning to focus on our present thoughts, feelings and body sensations without judgement. Many people associate this with meditation, but meditation is only one path to achieve mindfulness. It is very useful for relaxation, but it is much more than that. For children, it helps them become more attentive, balanced, and aware. For some, it has the potential to help kids see their lives more clearly, to become more positive and less tired, and to chose appropriate life paths.Learn more about this on CPR Classes Tampa.

As a first step toward helping our stressed client deal with her own stress, we taught her various tools of anger control. As a starter, we introduced the concept of mindful meditation consisting of simple breathing exercises. Mindfulness helps both mother and child calm down, to re-focus on what is important, to become more reflective, and to perhaps teach both to respond in different ways to family stress. Research shows that mindful practices over time increase “emotional intelligence” in children as they better understand how their brain works and how to develop more self-control with that knowledge.

Following are some simple breathing meditations that mother and child can practice together, taken from a book called “The Mindful Child” by Susan Kaiser Greenland :

Counting 1-1-1-1-1-1. When you breath in, let your body relax. When you breath out, silently count one, one, one, until your lungs feel empty. Repeat by relaxing again as you inhale and silently counting two, two, two, two, two, as you exhale. Repeat once more by relaxing as you inhale again and silently counting three, three,three, three, for the entire out breath. Continue this exercise in sets of three breaths (counting 1 on the first exhale, 2 on the second, and 3 on the third), until your mind quiets and you can rest in the physical sensation of breathing without counting.

When teaching this to your child, be aware that it takes time for them to accept the idea. Don’t force the issue, or another power struggle may develop, making things worse. For younger children, you may have to start with a 1 minute exercise, then gradually expand the time as your child progresses and sees the benefit. Don’t force them to close their eyes; some people prefer to keep eyes open.

The actress Goldie Hawn has written a delightful book on mindfulness called “10 Mindful Minutes.” which I would recommend to all parents. Among the wise nuggets of information is the followng: “Mindful parenting involves recognizing and nurturing our children’s unique personalities and not seeing them as projections of ourselves. There’s simply no cookie-cutter standard for how to treat our children.”

In our anger management classes we teach parents to respond instead of react to the behavior of our children that is troublesome. Hawn, in her book, amplifies this approach by saying that “reactive parenting can be very detrimental for our children. Yelling at them for forgetting something or doing something we don’t like only frightens them – it doesn’t make them stop.” We can gain control over our anger by understanding that our higher thinking has been hijacked by our emotional state; hence, we’re no longer in control.”

Once parents learn to respond differently to their children – not just react in knee-jerk fashion- the next step is to teach their children the same. Children need to understand how their brain works and how to deal with anger and frustration that all people experience. Hawn explains this simply as follows: “The anger and frustration that we feel in such moments is simply our Guard Dog amygdala {section of the brain} responding to the perceived stressful situation and taking over our emotions. Once we understand this, we can learn to recognize when we’ve been hijacked and accept that the path back to clear thinking is mindful awareness. ….”

In summary, a mindful approach to parenting quiets the minds of both parent and child, reduces stress, and puts both of you more in control of your emotions. Doesn’t that sound better than living in a family with constant yelling, screaming, negativism, and fighting?

Anger is an emotion. But, angry emotions often trigger a specific behavior (like yelling, throwing things, hitting, insulting someone, etc) which causes problems for you either at home, at work, on the road, or in your family. Most people in our anger classes tell us that one of the reasons they exhibit the angry behavior is because they want to change someone or something, they want somebody to think a certain way (or not)  or to do something (or not).

That is another way of saying that the angry person is trying to somehow “influence” the behavior or thinking of another. Unfortunately, angry behavior usually does not work; even if it does, the cost is so high that it almost always just isn’t worth it. We teach that there are better ways to influence others without getting angry or antagonizing others. But, where to start?

Questions to ask yourself:
The place to start is by looking in the mirror. As painful as it might be, ask yourself if you are behaving in ways that increase the probability of getting what you need and want from your partner? In other words, you have a lot more influence than you might think in terms of getting different responses from your partner. Ask yourself, how do other partners behave that do get what they want or need? (I know what you are thinking: “The reason they get more of what they need is because they have a better partner.” That may be true, or partially true,  but it also may not be. So, better to first ask, “Do I behave like people that do get more of what they want or need ” and then see what happens if you change.

Case study
Jose and Maria have been married for ten years. Jose has his own business; Maria is a stay- at- home mom. Jose sees Maria as lazy because she often does not prepare meals regularly, she does not clean the house up to Jose’s standards, and she often is too exhausted to do fun things in the evenings. Worse, according to Jose, Maria rarely ackowledges his great contributions to the marriage (he is very successful in business, and he is a good dad) ), she rarely shows affection, and praise of any kind is very rarely given.

Jose handles his frustration by yelling at Maria, calling her horrible names related to laziness, and accusing her of using a diagnosis of depression as an excuse for  not doing the things, in his mind,  she should  be doing. As I asked Jose in one of our sessions, what does he think the probability is of getting her to do more around the house by yelling, calling her names, and criticizing? Research shows, I told him,  that yelling, name-calling and criticizing decreases the probability of change in partners.

Jose decided to try to change things by applying the tool of  Respond Instead of React (The third tool of anger management in our system- Video; Respond Instead of React). Next morning, the kids were screaming, he needed help and his wife was still in bed. But, instead of yelling at her as usual, he went upstairs and calmly told her, “Honey, I need your help. I am overwhelmed down here.” Guess what? Maria at first did not stir, but five minutes later she came down the stairs and pitched in. Now this was not an earth-shaking change, but it was a start and it meant a lot to Jose.

There are ways to influence the behavior of someone that work much better than other ways. These ways can be called “relationship habits.” Just like you should copy the golf swings habits of golf champions if you want to improve your golf game, or the financial habits of very successful people if you want more financial success, you should copy the habits of those that may be more successful in relationships than you may be. Old dogs CAN learn new tricks- and often they should!

Related Articles and Blogs:

How to tank your relationship – Part 1
How to tank you relationship – Part 2
How to tank your relationship – Part 3

Often, anger is communicated in non-verbal behaviors such as voice tone, voice energy, and voice volume. Now, they have developed software to detect the emotion of anger by analyzing one’s voice.

Reminds one of the computer HAL in Stanley Kubrick’s classic 2110: a Space Odyssey

As reported in Life Science, Sigard, a new software package developed by Sound Intelligence, can detect verbal aggression with a high level of accuracy.

Combined with closed circuit television systems, Sigard can quickly notify security personnel about loud, angry people in outdoor public spaces, public transportation, nightclubs and bars.

Here’s how it works. A single analysis computer accepts sensor input from a variety of locations. Once the software detects a verbally aggressive human voice, it activates the camera associated with that sensor, bringing it to a security guard’s attention. This helps cut down on the number of people needed to monitor CCTVs.

Sigard Sound Intelligence software imitates the way that humans deal with sound, splitting it into different frequencies with varying amounts of energy. Just as a person can immediately detect anger and aggression in the midst of background noise, Sound Intelligence software “listens” for the same parameters that humans use in detecting aggressive speech.