Sammi thought she had prepared herself for this outcome; after all, the odds were 50/50, but the feeling of loss, betrayal and hollow emptiness overwhelmed her.

She had poured her heart and soul into her volunteer work, selling T-shirts, distributing yard signs, and even organizing community meetings to help her beloved candidate win. Potluck Fridays were the highlight of Sammi’s week, and while the political conversation was engaging, it was her friend Cassie’s tortilla soup that really drew the crowd. Yet, all these efforts had been in vain.

Everything everyone had worked so hard for had now slipped through their fingers. How could this have happened? How could the other side have won? Sammi rolled out of bed, pulled on her robe and well-worn slippers and scuffed her way towards the kitchen as she thought about the years ahead. How was she going to cope with the overwhelming disappointment?

We all experience disappointments, from minor everyday upsets to large, potentially life-changing events. Most of us are used to coping with the small upsets: our coffee order is missing that extra shot we desperately needed to get us through the day, dinner arrives cold from the local delivery place, these are minor annoyances that really don’t affect our lives. We tell ourselves, “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” and they are all but forgotten by the next day.

However, how do you cope when something happens in your life that goes against your deeply held expectations?

Here is some advice I offer to my patients that may help you if you are struggling with this feeling.

Take a Deep Breath

Above all else, it is essential to try to stay calm. Understand that your feelings are entirely normal, allow yourself to feel disappointment, and acknowledge your emotional responses.
You may feel sadness, fear, or anger. Take time to understand and acknowledge these feelings individually without self-judgment or criticism.

I often advise my patients to pick up a pen and paper and write about their emotions. Expressing and releasing these feelings is a valid and important step in coping with pent-up emotions.

Some patients like to read over their notes, sometimes out loud and then tear them up. They find this cathartic, saying they no longer need to carry the thoughts in their heads now that they are out on paper.
Don’t Get Caught Up in the Chaos

Surrounding yourself with like-minded people feeling similar emotions can be a double-edged sword. Some people find it helpful to discuss their feelings, sharing the burden of the hurt, fear, and upset.

Conversely, it can also become a place where other people’s reactions become a melting pot of emotions, where instead of helping, it only fuels the flames, further exacerbating your negative feelings.

If you find yourself in a situation where the people around you are negatively affecting your emotional state, politely excuse yourself and step away. Practicing self-care in stressful times is very important. You need to put yourself first and, if needed, explain to your friends and loved ones why you are taking some time out.

Reframe your Perspective

When you can not change an outcome, it helps to cognitively reframe your thought patterns to help mitigate disappointment.

This process involves focusing on aspects you can control, such as your reaction to the event and positive changes you can make in your daily life. It also encourages you to focus on the insights you have gained, which can be used positively rather than dwelling on the negative aspects.

Remember to Stretch

It is vital to remain emotionally flexible and not set yourself up for disappointment. In Sammi’s case, she knew there was a chance that her favorite candidate would not win; however, she still took the blow very hard. Setting rigid expectations often leads to disappointment, as you set unrealistic goals for yourself or others.

As any good personal trainer will tell you, it is important to stretch before exercising, and this is just as important when it comes to our emotional fitness.

I advise my patients to emotionally stretch their minds and think about how they will react, cope, or feel if events do not go as planned. This way, they are better prepared to deal with this eventuality.

Be Kind to Yourself

In times of disappointment and upset, it helps to be your own best friend. By this, I mean treating yourself the same way someone you love and trust dearly would treat you.

This may sound silly, but practicing self-compassion and treating your emotions with love and kindness helps lower anxiety, feelings of helplessness or depression and enhances a sense of well-being.

Practicing self-compassion gives your heart and mind the hug you may not be able to receive from someone else, allowing you to get back on your feet and recover from setbacks.

It is also important to take some time to do the things you genuinely love to help you relax and find your centre again. Some people love reading, walking their pets, playing music, watching football, or doing something creative. It may be as simple as just sitting and people-watching. We all have our ‘zen’ place, things we do that help us feel refreshed and ready to face the world again, so be sure to take time for yourself.

Nobody Likes a Gloater

When things don’t go our way, we tend to feel bitter and resentful toward others, especially if those people like to gloat. This can be very upsetting and distressful, further exacerbating the disappointment you feel.

It is important to remain calm when faced with gloating behavior while not internalizing their words or actions. This takes practice, but it is possible.

Take the High Road

Nothing gets my ire up quicker than when someone gloats, and there are times when I have to walk away to avoid reacting. There have been times when I know the person gloating wants me to react; they are deliberately trying to goad me into a reaction for their satisfaction, so I refuse to bite.

Don’t be tempted to respond defensively. Try to remain calm (this may test you, but stick with the process), and don’t give them the satisfaction of reacting.

You may need to excuse yourself and walk away from the situation or politely state that you no longer wish to address this topic. Either way, keep your composure and remain in control of your emotions. This takes the power away from the gloater, and you can walk away with your emotional and physical head held high.

Don’t be Afraid to Say No.

Avoid situations where you may encounter people who may gloat or try to flame the situation. This may be difficult in some areas, such as the workplace; however, in your personal life, practice self-care and take the initiative to avoid these people until tensions have simmered and you choose to allow them back into your life.

You can do so kindly or, if need be, assertively. For example, Sammi has a long-time friend, Jamie, who will not stop boasting about her candidate losing. Every time Sammy see’s him, he goads her about the results as if she personally lost the election. Instead of acting passively and trying to avoid Jamie, Sammi tells him, “I do not like how you are treating me at the moment. I would still like to remain friends, but I won’t tolerate being goaded like that. I think it is best to take a break from each other and come back together when everything settles down.” Here, Sammi clearly expresses her feelings while drawing a line in the sand and telling her friend she will not be disrespected.Don’t be Afraid to Say No.

Turn Off Social Media and the TV

One of the best things I can do when the world becomes a little too loud is to step away from social media and turn off what my Father fondly called the ‘idiot box’. 

The media loves to sensationalize, capture your attention, and inflame your sensibilities by pointing out the worst-case scenarios and sometimes trying to disguise them as reality. 

Regardless of which side of the fence you land on, news stations may not always have your mental well-being at heart. So, if you become angry, upset or overwhelmed by what you are viewing or reading, do what I do. Find the off button, walk outside, take off your shoes and ground yourself by walking in the grass. 

Surround Yourself With Those You Love

Surrounding yourself with people who love and support you without judgment in times of disappointment, upset, or personal turmoil is vital.

These people have been with you through the good times and the bad. They provide you with the emotional support you need to help reinforce that despite your setback, feeling this way is a normal part of the human experience, and you will get through this.

It is also important to offer love and support to others who may not share your values and opinions. They, too, may be feeling very similar emotions to yourself.

In conclusion, this is a pivotal time in everyone’s life, and regardless of which side of the fence you stand on, we need to show each other kindness and compassion. Know that disappointment is hard to deal with, and gloating only makes things worse. Let’s all take one step closer to each other, recognize our similarities as well as our differences and show each other empathy. There is good to find in most everybody, so when the big day does arrive, remember to be humble, be supportive and take the time to look after yourself first and be there for those you love.

A  Preview of what’s coming in 2025:

A new live telehealth program for couples is called “Conflict to Connection.” Apply now for this 9-step program designed for a limited number of serious couples ready to transform their relationship. This 90-day program will teach you state-of-the-art skills on how to better deal with anger, communicate much more effectively, and resolve conflicts with each other. 

We aim for couples to feel that emotional connection and closeness again as if they are going through life on the same team instead of separately.  To see if you qualify for this unique opportunity, call Dr Fiore to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. No obligation. 714-745-1393.

Dateline: January 4th. Orange, Ca. Anger management class participants review anger triggers of the week:

“My boyfriend openly flirts with other women in front of me.”

Jane, age 23, engaged to be married

“a work group back East didn’t finish their project on time, which made our progress look bad – I blew up!

Jim, age 40, an IT professional

“I get so mad at everyone that my daughter won’t let me see my grandchild. Now I am angry at my daughter too”

Joe, age 46, successful business owner and young grandfather

“I am constantly yelling at my 2 teenagers because they won’t do what I tell them to.”

Mary, a 38 year old mother

“I can’ stand that he never picks up his cloths, and he doesn’t do things around the house he says he will.”

Nancy, a married 28 year old successful writer who goes into period rages toward her equally successful husband

“I can’t stand it when people cut in front of me on the freeway—it makes me crazy.”

Alex, a 50 year old salesman in class because of road rage

In all these cases, the root problem of anger isn’t what happened to all these basically normal people. Rather, it is how they assessed or evaluated what happened to them.

Anger resulted by mentally comparing the behavior of others to what you expected them to do or to be. Sometimes that is a reasonable thing to do, but often it is not because we have too high—or wrong— expectations of ourselves and those around us.

Another way of saying this is that anger is caused by the discrepancy between what we expect and what we get. After all, the official definition of “expectation” is “eager anticipation.”

It is important to figure out exactly what “reasonable” means in terms of having reasonable expectations of yourself and others. If expectations are too low, you will feel cheated in life—or worse—that you are “settling”. On the other hand, if expectations are too high, then the reality of the experience will suffer from the comparison, and you may experience disappointment and other negative emotions.

5 Steps to adjust your expectations

Step 1 – Decide what is “reasonable”.
This may be tricky because different people have different ideas of this. One way to do it is to think about it when you are calm and cool – many things that seem “reasonable” when you are worked up seem ridiculous and petty in the cold light of day.

Step 2 – Eliminate the word “should”.
Fact is, we can’t control other people, try as we might. People behave the way they behave for their own reasons. Instead of “shoulding” on yourself, try changing your vocabulary to words like “I would prefer if….,” instead of “They should….”

Step 3 – Recognize limitations.
People often behave badly toward us because they are limited or have a problem – not because they are purposefully trying to make us miserable. Of course, we want them to live up to our expectations, but in truth they are fallible people who may not be able to – or they have a different agenda in life than meeting your expectations.

Relationships also have their limitations. Marital research shows that a high percentage of relationship issues are basically unsolvable and perpetual. The wise couple accepts this and finds ways to live around the issues, rather than getting into repeated conflicts over them.

Step 4 – Be tolerant of other views.
Rather than convincing yourself others are “wrong,” tell yourself that they simply see things differently than you do. No need to get angry over this because they may be as convinced of their “truth” as you are of yours.

Step 5 – Explore ways to get needs met.
The underlying reason we often get angry at others is because our basic needs are not being met as a result of the situation or the behavior of the other.

Rather than getting angry, we need to consider two other ways to deal with the situation— ways that are far more effective.

First, learn to honestly communicate your needs to others which are not being satisfied due to your frustrated expectations.

Second, find other ways to get your needs met. Finding alternative ways to become a happier (and less angry) person is a journey in self-development which begins by taking responsibility for your own needs and finding workable and acceptable ways of satisfying those needs.