Get the FREE e-Book, The Eight Tools of Anger Control from Dr Tony Fiore

The AngerCoach Show – Episode 6 – How to deal with a passive aggressive

This months episode handles the topic of how to deal with a passive aggressive person. To help us understand this behavior, we interview Dr. Roselyn Laudati who helps us recognize passive aggression in ourselves and others as well as provides excellent tips on how to handle this behavior.

Please note: This anger program and these anger tips are not meant to substitute for professional diagnosis, treatment or advice. If you have intense, serious or chronic anger problems, or you have to deal with someone else who does, you should immediately consult a mental health or medical professional for help.

The AngerCoach Show Returns!

We’re back! After a long hiatus, we’ve finally revisited the AngerCoach show and promise to be better than ever! In this episode, we look at the high cost of anger as well as answer the question: “Is anger ever a good thing?” Keep listening – you might be surprised at the answer. Be sure to email us if you have any suggestions, or would like to have us read your story on our next episode.

Please note: This anger program and these anger tips are not meant to substitute for professional diagnosis, treatment or advice. If you have intense, serious or chronic anger problems, or you have to deal with someone else who does, you should immediately consult a mental health or medical professional for help.

Angry people often try to control the uncontrollable

Much anger in the world is generated by people trying to control or change other people who do not wish to be controlled or changed. Rather than thinking in terms of control, think instead of other methods of influencing others such as: persuading, educating, rewarding, enticing, compromising, being a positive role model, advising, urging or convincing.

Remember, people have free will and in most cases they have the right to do things we consider wrong or stupid if they are willing to accept the consequences.  They often will “push back” if they feel you are trying to control or change them, even if in your mind you are doing it “for their own good.” Better to give them choices and consequences for their behavior. That way, they can choose to do – or not do – what you want.

For example, your spouse drinks too much at parties which embarrasses you.You know that if you try to limit how much they drink, it will lead to extreme conflict, defiance and anger on both sides. Solution? Tell them that if they the next time they drink too much, you will leave the party and return home alone (and then actually do it).

Bottom line is that most people will change what they do much more readily if they feel they are making the choice to change rather than because they are being controlled by another person.

Federal Employees need Anger Management Too Sometimes

I recently received a referral from an employee for the Department of Homeland Security (DHS). DHS employees often face very stressful situations, depending on their job function and can find learning skills in anger management to be extremely helpful. Homeland security is one of our nations top priorities and therefore can be an equation for stress for those that are in high demand positions. The employee who we are currently seeing for executive coaching will be taught a series of tools from our highly acclaimed client workbook “Anger Management in the Twenty-first Century”. We will focus on improving empathy and emotional intelligence, stress management, assertive communication and managing expectations. Anger management skills improve relationships and sharpen ones ability to have more positive interactions.

Posted with permission from
Ari Novick, Ph.D.
AJ Novick Group – Anger Management

New Beginnings – Dedicated to Cjon Damitri Patterson

At the brink of every New Year we make promises to ourselves and to the ones we love to change. Often we’ve made the same promises every year for the last decade and find ourselves repeating the same negative habits, hurting ourselves and the people we care about.

In some circles the number 8 is thought to represent new beginnings and 2008 is touted as the year of new beginnings.

The thought is hopeful but can people really change?

The answer is yes people can change. I can’t afford to think otherwise. Why because there is so much about me that needs improvement.

To tell you the truth anger management has never been a real problem for me. I did not say I’ve never been angry. I fall under the category of angry people who hold their emotions in and it eats them alive from the inside out. Come to think of it, I guess that is a problem but it’s not the biggest problem I face.

A dear friend of mine passed this weekend. We shared a similar struggle.

He was full of life, talented and hopeful for a new beginning. I guess he got it. He got his new beginning.

In a way I envy him. My new beginning will not come so easy. It will take work and discipline. It will take change.

Can people really change? Yes people can change. I can’t afford to think otherwise.

Dedicated to Cjon Damitri Patterson: The composer of the musical theme for Angry in L.A.

Cjon your spirit and music will live on.

Posted with permission by The Anger Coach from the blog of :
Daybreak Counseling Service

www.daybreakservices.com
http://www.linkedin.com/in/angryinla
http://myspace.com/angermanagementeacher
310-995-1202

Anger Tip 1- Add Gray To Your World!

Tonight in anger management class, two new enrollees admitted they were there because they see the world as “black and white” with nothing between.
“Things are either right or wrong…this way or that way,” one of the participants insisted.”

“What is wrong with this concept”, I asked?

More experienced class members chimed in that the problem is a practical one – they saw the world (especially the emotional and relationship world) as mostly gray, so a black and white orientation leads to extreme frustration – and anger.

To reduce your anger, try and develop the skill of seeing things as having more than one perspective, and thus more than one correct “answer.”

Relevant joke of the day:

What do you call a person who brags about his or her philosophy of “my way or the highway”?

Answer: divorced!

Good Reviews For New Online Anger Program

The Anger Coach published its new online program  in November, 2006, allowing adults and couples to learn the eight tools of anger control from the convenience of their computers.  Many people across the USA (and in other countries) have now completed the 10-hour program and rate it highly, making comments such as “I wish my wife and I had learned this stuff years ago…we found it very useful.” Details of this innovative program can be found at angercoachonline.com

Cell Phone Use Increases Stress

From The American Institute Of Stress:

“One might think that cell phones would reduce stress by facilitating contacting someone in an emergency or transmitting time urgent information but a recent study suggests otherwise. A sociology professor who followed more than 1300 people found that those who regularly used cell phones or pagers “experienced an increase in psychological distress and a decrease in family satisfaction” compared to those who used these devices less often. No such effects were seen in others who regularly used e-mails.”

Spousal Anger May Shorten Life

In a recent edition of “Stress Scoop”, research shows that happily married couples are healthier and live longer, possibly because they have less stress.

“…a recent study showed that even if spouses usually get along well, the stress caused by a brief argument can slow healing of a surgical wound by as much as a day.”

“If such a short spat in a lab can have such effects, one can only wonder what the response would be to a full-fledged fight at home lasting hours or days.”

Holiday Stress Leads to Anger

Learning to deal with stress is one of the eight tools that is needed for anger control.

Learning to deal with holiday stress is even more challenging because of the time crunch around the holidays and the need to deal with relatives who might not always be exactly at the top of your Christmas list.

Here are some tips to deal with holiday stress that should help you get through the season more comfortably:

1.Catch your stress early. Notice physical signs of stress such as muscle tension, voice getting louder, or behavior becoming more disorganized.

2. Make Necessary Life Changes to reduce your stress. Shop earlier. Get more family support. Take time off from work. Request more civil behavior from family members.

3. View Stressors Differently.For a stressor to cause stress in our lives, it has to be perceived as a stressor. Work on how you see things and try to see them in a different light. (Hint: this really works well with obnoxious family members: try seeing them as “limited” than than “irritating.”)

4.Stress-guard your life. Eat right. Exercise. Sleep well. Take care of yourself emotionally. Get your needs met. Have a good time.If needed use supplier of fine bed linens to get better sleep because sleep is really important.

Aggressive Response Triggers More Road Rage

According to new research published by the Response Insurance Company:

Fully one-half of drivers who are subjected to aggressive driving behavior on the road respond with aggression of their own, thus risking a more serious confrontation.

when a driver gets the finger, is cut off or tailgated, 50% of the victims respond with horn honking, yelling, cutting-off, and obscene gestures of their own.

“Road rage is a two-way street,” noted Ray Palermo, director of public relations for Response Insurance. “It takes two people to fight. So, if you are subjected to aggressive driving, often the best way to ensure it does not get any worse is to just ignore it.” You can read more about this here www.firststepdetox.com

Download a free podcast on how to deal with road rage and aggressive driving by clicking here.

Anger Tip-Spend Time With Buddies

Let’s face it, your family can’t satisfy all your needs all the time.

So, it’s smart anger management to indulge in a boys night out or a girls night out. You relax and unwind in different ways when you socialize with members of the same sex. You can talk more openly than you do in mixed company. You can loosen up, laugh and be less formal.

There are numerous excuses for getting together: sports, card games, book discussions, eating out…or for no other reason than to enjoy each other’s company.

Of course, you shouldn’t abuse this privilege and you must make sure that your partner doesn’t feel cheated in the process.

When you return home, you will often feel more fulfilled, more relaxed and more into sharing your new experiences with your spouse or family.

The AngerCoach Show – Episode 2 Aggressive Driving & Road Rage

This month’s episode deals with aggressive driving and road rage. Aggressive driving not only endangers people’s lives, but puts immense stress on our relationships with others. We talk about practical ways individuals can reduce stress and calm down while on the road, as well as ways of mitigating road related disagreements.

We host Dr. Leon James from the University of Hawaii. Dr. James is an expert in the phsycology of driving behavior and now serves on the Govenor’s Impaired Driving Task Force. You can contact Dr. James online at www.drdriving.org.

Please note: This anger program and these anger tips are not meant to substitute for professional diagnosis, treatment or advice. If you have intense, serious or chronic anger problems, or you have to deal with someone else who does, you should immediately consult a mental health or medical professional for help.

Anger can be NEW or OLD

One of our students found herself “going bananas” after a guest innocently left a gate open after leaving her house. Why the extreme reaction, we wondered.

Turns out that she had a “history” with open gates. At age 6, her brother accidentally left a gate open which caused her favorite dog to escape and unfotunately be killed.

Often, current anger triggers can bring forth “old anger” that is stored in emotional centers in our brain.

Whenever you “over-react” to some mild anger trigger in your life, try remembering what “old” issue may be attached to it.

Often, this understanding will help you develop thought skills to deal with current anger and stresses in your life – so that you don’t continue to over-react to it.

Memories Depend on Focus

We teach our anger management students that often anger is generated by arguments with someone reagrding what happened in the past. As you probably know, two people (like a parent and child, or, two siblings) may have the same experience but remember it in quite different ways.

Why is this? Often we suspect that the other person is wrong, is lying, or is distorting the truth. And, of course, if we believe these things, we generate anger.

To manage your anger, try to understand that there is at least one other explanation. It is literally a matter of focus. As one of our recent students from IEC reviews vape devices explained, our memories depend on our perceptions of the situation. Like a still photo, your “perception” depends on where you aim your camera. Imagine an elephant. You may take a picture of his trunk so you remember the trunk. Soemone else may take a picture of his rough skin- which is the main thing he or she may remember.

So, five years later when you are both discussing your experience of the elephant, you remember the trunk and he/she remembers the rough skin. Neither of you sees the whole picture, but part of it.. a snap-shot of it- segements of the total.

We tend to focus on those parts of the total situtaion that are important to us, and ignore or minimize the rest. An example: a sixteen year old boy asks his father for a car. To him, it is his whole life. The father is dismssive. To the father, it may be an amusing request that has no relevance to his life. Years later, the boy remembers the rebuke vividly; the father doesn’t even rememvber it at all.

Same “reality.” Different snapshots of it. Different memories of what “really” happened.

Looking For Aristotle Awards Nominees

It was Aristotle who said:
“Anyone can be angry, that is easy.
But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right reason, and in the right way, this is not easy.”

In this tradition, we are looking for nominees of people who have faced anger or stress triggers and have handled them extremely well, turning them into either a growth experience, or transforming angry energy to a social good.

Winner gets a $50 cash from one of the sponsors of our Anger Coach show. You can even nominate yourself!

Send nominations to: drtony@18.191.66.198

Reduce Anger by Asserting Yourself

This holiday season, you may find yourself in groups or gatherings that make you feel uncomfortable. Sometime you can change it without offending anyone, yet standing up for our rights or opinions. We call this “assertive communication.”

When the tone of a social gathering becomes too confrontational, negative, lewd, insensitive, prejudiced, or otherwise distasteful, you needn’t remain at the mercy of it. You can usually find a way to but speak up,so that
things back move back into positive territory.

Speak your mind (in a nice way) by letting others know how you are feelings in response to what is going on. Offenders may be taken aback, but those who share your discomfort will welcome the intervention.

Too often we let situations deteriorate beyond what we find acceptable and may be hesitant to address it. But silence often only helps to condone the behavior and may create resentment and stress in you.

Startlines can reduce stress

Forget about deadlines. How about startlines?

For a society so obsessed with when a project gets finished,we’re curiously all too casual about when to get it started.

And that can be the most critical factor of all. Which may explain why so many deadlines aren’t met. Instead of stressing over when something is due, focus on getting it underway. Set a “startline.” That is, a time before which it’s essential you get a project started, so it isn’t performed in a rushed and slapdash manner.

If you stick to your startline, it not only assures efficient, unhurried performance, it all but eliminates the need for a deadline…and the anxiety that goes with it.

Which “line” would you rather work under? Get it started. Why make yourself crazy?

Anger Detection Software Now Available

Often, anger is communicated in non-verbal behaviors such as voice tone, voice energy, and voice volume. Now, they have developed software to detect the emotion of anger by analyzing one’s voice.

Reminds one of the computer HAL in Stanley Kubrick’s classic 2110: a Space Odyssey

As reported in Life Science, Sigard, a new software package developed by Sound Intelligence, can detect verbal aggression with a high level of accuracy.

Combined with closed circuit television systems, Sigard can quickly notify security personnel about loud, angry people in outdoor public spaces, public transportation, nightclubs and bars.

Here’s how it works. A single analysis computer accepts sensor input from a variety of locations. Once the software detects a verbally aggressive human voice, it activates the camera associated with that sensor, bringing it to a security guard’s attention. This helps cut down on the number of people needed to monitor CCTVs.

Sigard Sound Intelligence software imitates the way that humans deal with sound, splitting it into different frequencies with varying amounts of energy. Just as a person can immediately detect anger and aggression in the midst of background noise, Sound Intelligence software “listens” for the same parameters that humans use in detecting aggressive speech.

Anger At Work Linked To Stress

Some people say they know just what to do when their jobs becoming too stressful, but others feel stuck and frustrated. There are tears and confrontations which can lead to poor productivity, abuse of sick days, stealing supplies, and irritability or depression.

Sometimes the stress and anger are due to home problems which the employee brings with them to work. In other cases, it is the work setting itself which is causing the problem. Too much workload, perceived lack of recognition or appreciation by management, and conflict with co-workers or supervisors are often involved.

For more information on tools to deal with workplace stress and anger (sometimes called “desk rage”), click here.