Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the holiday season are by far my most treasured times of the year. My family comes together; we bask in the glow of stories of old, we meet the new faces that come into our home, and, of course, we eat ourselves silly, take luxurious midday naps, and learn colorful new words we never knew existed as we try to follow instructions as we assemble the little ones’ toys from Santa.
As the years crept up on me, I began to notice a trend; my Mom didn’t call this time of year the silly season for nothing.
Things never used to be this way in my early years, or maybe it is just the rose-colored glasses of time clouding my judgment. Still, to me, so many people seem to be tripping over themselves to feel angry and incensed around what is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year.
Living in the city, I am used to short-tempered drivers, people pushing in line, or, the worst of all Christmas-time offenses, taking the parking space of someone already there waiting. However, this year, things seem to be different.
I want to share a story with you that gave me insight into human nature and reaffirmed why I chose to specialize in anger management.
Last week, I walked into a post office I rarely frequent to drop some gifts in the mail in the hopes they would reach their destination before Christmas day. I was off in my own world, contemplating little more than whether I should send the parcels by express mail when I walked in on one of the biggest rows I have seen in a long time.
On the occasions I have seen arguments in a store, it is usually an ornery customer who has climbed high atop their soapbox and is giving the poor shop assistant an earful, knowing or thinking they can get away with their behavior. This time was very different.
Standing at the counter was a tall, well-dressed elderly lady with the most beautiful long grey hair I had ever seen. She had one parcel in her hand and was holding her other hand out, waiting to be passed the second package. Despite her seemingly calm exterior, her eyes were wide, and her demeanor was that of someone who was quite taken aback by the turn her day took.
I later learned that behind the counter were the two post office owners, and they were in full tirade mode. Owner number one, a small woman well into middle age, was waving the customer’s package above her head and exclaiming in fits and bursts that only the truly irate seem to be able to conjure: “If you could read, you would see you only have two packages to pick up, not three. Are you stupid or something?”
Owner number two, seemingly riled by his counterpart’s behavior, eagerly joined in on the abuse, name-calling, and actively antagonizing the older lady.
I had no idea what had happened before I walked in, and given that I was the only other person in the shop, I had no way to gauge what had happened, so I quietly held my piece.
Ms Pretty Hair kept her composure, listening to the continued jibes. She held her hand out, and in a quiet voice, she asked for her package.
The owners seemed to have moved past anger and were now out of control. In my experience, some people enjoy a good fight, and since Ms. Pretty Hair was not taking their bait, they moved from mad to incensed.
Recognizing this, I decided I had seen quite enough. So, not to antagonize the situation, I stepped forward and firmly said, “Excuse me, I would like to mail these packages and am on a tight schedule.”
Mr and Mrs Irate finally seemed to notice my presence. They gave the woman her package and, with his chest puffed out, Mr Irate haughtily told her to “Get out and don’t ever come back!”
Mrs. Pretty Hair gathered up her last package, turned with the same shocked expression, and walked quickly out of the post office, casting one final distrustful glance over her shoulder. The owners then began pacing behind the counter and continued badmouthing the lady, justifying their terrible behavior to each other, forgetting I was even there.
As a psychologist, their performance intrigued me. As a customer, it both unnerved and angered me. Still holding my parcels, I walked out of the shop to see if I could find Ms. Pretty Hair, but she had disappeared.
As I drove home, parcels lying forgotten on the passenger seat, I wondered how people later coped with and processed confrontations when they ran into people such as Mr and Mrs Irate.
Did the post office owners pause later to consider how their behavior may affect others? I honestly don’t think so, but what about the lady at the receiving end of their tirade? What challenges was she already dealing with, and did a stranger’s ill temper now exacerbate them? I hope she talked with someone about the incident, and they helped bring a smile to her face.
When dealing with ornery people, I like to take a deep breath before replying. Understand that their actions and rudeness may have nothing to do with you. I am not saying you should tolerate their behavior however it does not help to bite back or pour fuel on the fire.
If you are unlucky enough to stumble upon Mr. and Mrs. Irate, the best thing to do is simply walk away. No amount of niceness, trying to calm them down, or retaliation will resolve the issue.
Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to change another person’s behavior, but we can change our own so we don’t become an awful experience in someone else’s life story. We all have times when we feel ticked off, frustrated, and snap easily, but I personally feel we should never take out the anger we feel on strangers.
In my practice, people have expressed feelings of wanting to stay at home more than they once did for fear of confrontation. Others have taken themselves off social media because of the bullying; keyboard warriors and trolls are everywhere. Only last week, I turned on my TV to hear a talk show host speaking passionately about the election and how if a family member voted “The wrong way”, you don’t have to invite them to Thanksgiving or Christmas.
This shocked me. There is so much division in our country already. Why is the media trying to rile people up and divide families? We should do all we can to show empathy to others, even if we disagree with their opinions. Yes, there may be friends and family you may not look forward to seeing, but there are ways to navigate confrontation that don’t include simply cutting them out of your life altogether.
Not everyone can or wants to examine their behavior, reflect on their actions, and ask themselves, “How could I handle this better?” but I think a great many of us can.
We are all human, and when I am having a bad day, I sometimes fantasize about yelling at the driver who cut me off, telling them exactly what I think of their actions but I don’t. That is not who I want to be.
I wonder, however, if we all took a little more time to reflect on how our behavior affects others, how many confrontations could be avoided? Instead of taking out our anger on another, try doing the opposite.
If I encounter someone who seems to be having a bad day, I ask, “How is your day going?” More often than not, their demeanor softens as I took the time to ask them how they are. My hope is that this calms them down, and they may speak to the next person with more kindness. It reminds me of the movie Pay It Forward, released in 2000.
We may not be gifting strangers physical items that evenly lead to life-changing results; however, we can give the gift of empathy, kindness, and patience and hope that others will do the same. It takes very little to say “Thank you” or offer someone a smile or a sincere compliment.
If you find yourself confronted by the likes of Mr or Mrs Irate, remember to take a mental step back and try not to buy into their anger; this only empowers them. When you get home, practice self-care and be kind to yourself. Do something that will help you de-stress, take your pooch for a walk, sit down with a good book or enjoy a workout to get your endorphins flowing.
The holiday season is a time when trees sparkle in living room windows, and children wait excitedly for the pitter-patter of reindeer hooves on the roof, signaling Santa’s arrival. Unfortunately, this season can also bring out the worst in some people. Ms Pretty Hair’s encounter with the Irate’s reminds us how unchecked anger can ripple through the lives of not just those involved but also those who did not even witness the confrontation.
We all carry stress and burdens with us, especially as the holiday season draws closer. But remind yourself to show kindness, use empathy to understand another person’s point of view, and know that this can go a long way in helping diffuse tense situations.
Be patient with each other, assertive enough to walk away from negativity, and above all, protect your own sense of well-being, as perhaps this will inspire others to do the same.
This is the season to come together, embrace family and loved ones and above all to eat, drink and be merry!
Last year, I wrote two articles to help my readers cope with the many challenges of the holiday season. I received wonderful feedback, so I am placing the links below:
If you would like to learn more about managing your expectations and coping with conflict, especially in your relationship, download our mini-course, Rise Above the Chaos and Embrace your Inner Smile.
In this course, we emphasize the importance of centering your mind and body, creating a state of mental and physical calm. We teach you the value of being mindful of your emotions and the importance of acting objectively rather than subjectively.
Additionally, we explore concepts such as “dropping the bone”, mastering the art of taking the high road in an argument, and how to deflect sarcasm. While these skills are crucial to every relationship, they are often overlooked. Here, we guide you and help you develop these essential skills so that you can rely on them when stress and conflict inevitably arise.
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