They say that doctors make the worst patients. I sometimes wonder if this is true for psychologists who seek counseling.
In my profession, the majority of my day is spent listening. In fact, I have spent much of the past 40 years listening to my patients, being there for their highs and lows, guiding them as their relationships flourish, or helping them navigate through the emotional path of discernment counseling. I always want to be there for my patients, to remain neutral and objective, and I know I may not always be the right fit for their needs because I have been on the other side of the couch myself.
When my first marriage of 20 years began to fall apart, I discovered just how hard it was to find a psychologist who not only listened but connected with both myself and my ex-wife. I desperately wanted to repair my crumbling marriage and quickly discovered that for us, therapy only made things worse. Much worse. If I had known then what I know now, I would have understood that it was not marriage counseling we needed, but discernment counseling. However, this is for another article.
At the time, I was not focused on how my own experience with marriage therapy could help me hone the skills in my practice. However, after my divorce, I was able to look back at my experience and understand what I needed from psychologists and why my ex and I felt like we were bashing our heads not only against each other but also against the proverbial brick wall.
There was no structure to our sessions. Yes, the therapist listened. He was professional and did all the right things he was taught back in the day, but time allows us the luxury of learned experience.
What I needed were goals to understand what steps I needed to take and how to measure progress. I needed to visualize how to move from a relationship filled with conflict to one of closeness and harmony. Without this structure, I felt overwhelmed and untethered.
Moving forward in my career, I trained in many different schools of therapy to learn how to provide my patients with a set of actionable tools to help them move from point A to point B using skill sets that build on each other. Last year, I began working on a new 90-day, 9-step program called “From Conflict to Connection.” The nine-step program is learned in three phases.
Phase One – Decreasing Anger Intensity
In phase one, our goal is to improve couple communication, with the goal of reducing anger and learning to express it in a healthy manner.
Step One—Anger in a relationship often stems from built-up resentment, which presents itself as a verbal explosion during times of stress. We teach couples the importance of lowering their anger and how to recognize anger stemming from built-up resentments so they can learn to “hear” each other on both a verbal and emotional level.
Step Two—When learning to reduce feelings of anger, it is important to recognize the destructive patterns that have developed over time in your relationship. Consider the arguments that have arisen from each other’s actions or words. These “He Said” and “She Said” exchanges often lead to escalating conflicts without resolution. This is known as the trap of circular causality, where the argument creates a continuous feedback loop unless the couple seeks intervention. In step two, we help you identify the patterns that contribute to these circular arguments and understand the triggers to prevent them from happening in the future.
Step Three—The final step of phase one is learning to express anger. Anger is a normal emotion, but it must be articulated correctly to prevent further damage to the relationship
As Aristotle said in the year 384 B.C. “Anyone can become angry- that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power, and is not easy.”
Phase Two – Handle Relationship Conflict with Respect
In Phase Two of our new program, we teach you how to manage relationship conflict respectfully. It is possible to disagree without being disagreeable. Often, it is the tone of the argument that causes problems, not the content of the argument itself.
Step Four — Demonstrate Growth to Build Trust
In step four, we focus on actively using trust-building techniques to rebuild the relationship as you celebrate your positive steps forward. It is important not only to see progress but also to recognize it and celebrate it, no matter how small.
Step Five — Navigating Difficult Conversations
Tempers can quickly become heated during a challenging talk, and it’s essential to keep cool and remain calm and respectful. In step five, we teach you how to listen and navigate stress during difficult talks, gradually opening up the lines of positive communication by using compassion, empathy, active listening, and, most importantly, love.
Step Six – Turning conflict into collaboration
This involves a change of perspective. Instead of arguing, you approach conflict as an opportunity to understand your partner and connect with them on a deeper level, transforming feelings of resentment and anger into compassion and empathy.
Phase Three – Working Together as a Team
In phase three, partners learn to think more relationally to increase their relationship IQ. We teach you to focus as a ‘we’ rather than a ‘me’. Despite your differences, you can still work together as a team to have each other’s backs and see the world from one another’s perspectives.
Step Seven — Transforming Challenges into Teamwork
Building upon the skills you have learned, we teach you to view challenges as an opportunity to work together to achieve shared goals, foster mutual support, support open communication, and address issues quickly and effectively before they escalate.
Step Eight – Transform Resentment into Partnership
Working together, you learn to recognize and acknowledge feelings of resentment before they begin to fester, working as a team to overcome these emotions through open and honest communication, empathy, and self-reflection.
Step Nine – Prioritize Mutual Support
Even the strongest relationships can face challenges due to daily stress. It’s important to focus on supporting one another and recognizing the progress you’ve made in your relationship journey. In this step, we’ll teach you how to be each other’s champions, mutually support each other, and prioritize your relationship amidst the chaos of everyday life.
By following the structured approach presented in my new program, “From Conflict to Connection,” couples gain the tools they need to navigate the challenges within their relationship. This program helps transform obstacles into opportunities for reconnection and each step lays the foundation for a fulfilling partnership built on love and mutual respect.
If this approach resonates with you, visit my website or book a free Telehealth consultation by speaking with Marina at 714-496-6120.
