Relationships, no matter how perfect they may seem, always come with some bumps in the road, and there inevitably comes a time when we must have that dreaded ‘tough talk’ with our partner. The movies portray this as the ‘we need to talk’ moment, a cliffhanger where the audience wonders whether their relationship will survive this momentous event.
Real life plays out differently than the quintessential Hollywood movie. Often, the buildup and eventual resultant tough talk come after a huge blow up, when stress levels run high, or we have had a terrible day at work and decide this is the perfect moment to pick apart the fabric of our relationship.
Like most things in life, there is a time and a place for everything. Approaching a hot-button topic or navigating that difficult conversation we have been putting off is best left when you and your partner are in a positive emotional and mental space.
Take Time to Mentally Prepare
It is vital to prepare yourself emotionally and mentally. The object of the discussion is not to ‘win’ or to make the other person feel bad; it is to open up the lines of communication to understand each other better so that you can set yourself on a pathway to repair.
Reflect on your feelings and take notes if this helps, as sometimes, you can forget what you want to say during a discussion. Also, note down or think about the outcome of the discussion. What would you like to achieve?
This allows you to talk clearly without trying to remember or worry that you may need to remember specific points.
A Time and a Place for Everything.
Timing and setting are crucial elements to preparing for a tough talk. The last thing you want is to pour your heart out to your partner when the kids are screaming around the house while dinner preparation is underway.
Choose a time when both you and your partner are in a good frame of mind and a private place free from distractions. It may help to schedule the time for your conversation, allowing you both to prepare mentally and physically so that your chat can start off on the right foot.
Being mindful of the timing and setting will show your partner that you respect their space and are serious about the conversation.
Use “I” Statements
One of the most powerful ways to communicate your feelings is to use “I” statements. People can argue when told, “You made me feel,” as this can be confrontational. However, when you say, “I felt hurt” or “I felt disrespected,” you express your feelings rather than blame your partner.
This manner of communication allows for open discussion, where your partner may also express how they feel. It is up to both parties to maturely acknowledge the other’s feelings and help them feel secure in opening up.
Listen Both With Your Ears and Your Heart
This may sound silly, but listening while being empathic is one of the keys to a successful relationship!
In my practice, couples often express feeling unheard in their relationship. They may feel that even though they are speaking, the other isn’t listening, and unfortunately, this is quite often the case. One person may be expressing their feelings while the other is forming counterarguments in their head instead of genuinely listening to what is being said. In this scenario, both people walk away unhappy.
When your partner is speaking to you, concentrate on what they are saying with their words and body language. As you actively listen, try to understand the situation from their perspective. It helps to summarize what they have said so that they feel heard or can correct you if you misinterpret their feelings. Statements such as “I understand that you felt hurt when I spoke to you in that manner; what can I do in the future to prevent this?” are a way to open the lines of communication and help understand each other’s perspective a little better.
Remember to Keep Your Cool
Things can quickly become heated during a tough talk, and it is essential to keep your cool and remain calm and respectful. I teach my patients that taking time out when needed is essential. Don’t just walk away; this will only cause more friction. Before you begin your discussion, agree that if things get a little too heated or you feel overwhelmed, let your partner know, take a time out, and resume the conversation when you are feeling centred and composed. Never follow the other person, attempting to continue the conversation. An agreed-upon time out means both agree to stop the conversation and walk away calmly.
Most importantly, refrain from name-calling, abusive language, and yelling. These will only deepen the scar on your relationship and could cause long-term damage and hurt. Remember to keep your voice kind, use empathy, and, again, if you feel yourself wanting to lash out, employ your time-out clause.
Focus on the Positives
When times get tough, and the inevitable discussion is underway, it is easy to get bogged down in the minutia of ‘he said, she said’, focusing on the negatives instead of working together to find a solution.
It is important to express your feelings and discuss the problems, but if you feel your conversation leaning heavily towards the negative, try to steer the talk back to possible solutions. The goal is to work together to resolve the issues you share.
Some of my patients find brainstorming using a pen and paper helpful, as is writing down ideas and scratching out ones they don’t feel will work as they go.
Agree to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable
It sounds like a tongue-twister, doesn’t it? It does make sense, though, as not all discussions end with everyone in perfect agreement. Sometimes, you and your partner will simply not see eye to eye, and that is okay; in fact, it can be healthy.
Most importantly, you have expressed how you feel, listened to your partner’s point of view, and may even have learned something new about the person you love.
Know that it is important to accept each other’s differences and be willing to compromise in a healthy manner. Every relationship is made from give and take.
Don’t be Afraid to Ask For Help.
There are topics within almost every relationship that couples continually fight over. Psychologists refer to these as ‘perpetual issues’. Navigating through perpetual issues can be tricky; sometimes, you need to seek professional help.
Seeking the help of a Psychologist allows you and your partner to express your feelings and emotions in a neutral setting, guided by a trained professional. Here, you can learn tools and techniques to help improve your communication and resolve conflicts effectively.
Committing to improving your relationship through tough talks may be difficult. Still, over time, you learn how to navigate the stress of these discussions, gradually opening up the lines of positive communication by using compassion, empathy, active listening and, most importantly, love.
