This months episode we discuss the relationship that sex and anger share. As a practicing Psychologist and Marriage Therapist, I have come across many couples who experience sexual frustrations in their relationships. Often times anger can arise from sexual frustration, and as this episode discusses, sexual frustration can result from anger. In this podcast we teach four practical and easy-to-employ techniques for reducing sexual frustration and anger in your relationship.
Please note: This anger program and these anger tips are not meant to substitute for professional diagnosis, treatment or advice. If you have intense, serious or chronic anger problems, or you have to deal with someone else who does, you should immediately consult a mental health or medical professional for help.
In our last blog, we taught you Lesson 1 of how to tank your relationship: React to bad behavior by your partner in way that indicates that you think they are 100% wrong and you are 100% right. Then assume that there is only one way (your way) to view or look at the situation, so there is no need to try to see things from the perspective of your partner.
Today we continue with our lessons on how to tank a relationship- just in case Lesson #1 hasn’t worked for you yet:
How to tank your relationship: Lesson 2- Handle anger toward each other poorly.
To tank your relationship, get “stuck” in your anger either as the partner with the original anger or as the partner who is on the receiving end of anger. Either way, getting stuck in anger can quickly turn to disgust. Eventually, you might even get to contempt for your partner which is a deathblow to most relationships. With a contemptuous attitude, you don’t even bother to get angry back at your partner because you tell yourself “I won’t stoop to my partner’s level by getting angry.” So you stonewall (don’t talk at all to your partner), become passive-aggressive (get back at your partner in a sneaky way), or emotionally shut-down.
Fact is, research on successful couples (as described in a book by marital therapist Brent J. Atkinson called “Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy”) shows that anger itself is not a dangerous emotion for marriages. Many highly successful couples regularly blow up at each other. Blow-ups are not necessarily destructive (within limits). Rather, partners getting stuck in their resentment for having been attacked is an equally serious issue that brings down a marriage.
That is because when a person fails to stand up forcefully when feeling disregarded or criticized harshly, they almost always harbor resentment and in internal attitude of contempt (That is, they think of themselves as “better” in some sense than their exploding partner.) And, as mentioned above, having contempt toward your partner is a very serious problem in terms of longevity of the relationship.
Caution: Only read the next paragraph if you have decided NOT to tank your relationship:
So, what is the healthy way to handle anger in a relationship? First, if you are the primary angry partner, learn to communicate better and deal with normal angry feelings more effectively without destroying your partner or the relationship in the process. There are many ways to handle anger so that you get a better result and you get more of what you truly want from your partner! These techniques (including something called a “softer startup”) are what we teach in local anger management classes as well as in our online distance-learning program.
Second, you do not have to suffer in silence if you are in relationship with a person who handles their anger poorly. The trick is to stand up for yourself and deal with the issue rather than “stuffing it” and building resentment through the years. (Of course, do not put yourself in a dangerous situation by standing up for yourself with a truly raging or violent partner).
Research strongly shows that partners of people who act badly in any way (including anger) have more influence than they think on future occurrences of that bad behavior by their spouse. You do not have to tolerate it and can even change it to some extent if you do the right things.
This months episode we discuss the positive effects that a sense of humor can have in dealing with anger. Appropriate humor can help all of us deal with difficult situations better, and if we have a problem with anger humor can gives us new ways to respond to frustrating situations. Humor shifts the way we think and helps us to be response-able – capable of handling stress, frustration, tension and other hard to deal with emotions. In this episode, we also teach four easy ways to develop a sense of humor.
Please note: This anger program and these anger tips are not meant to substitute for professional diagnosis, treatment or advice. If you have intense, serious or chronic anger problems, or you have to deal with someone else who does, you should immediately consult a mental health or medical professional for help.
This months episode discusses the benefits of managing your expectations. Learn what your expectations are, where they come from and understand how the world around us influences our expectations. When we understand these things, then we can better adjust what our expectations are when it comes to our lives, our relationships, our families, our possessions and our jobs. If we find ourselves frustrated by these things then it’s possible that we have formed unrealistic expectations about these goals. By adjusting our expectations to more realistic levels, we can avoid the anger that comes from being let down, and we will find ourselves living happier lives as a result.
Please note: This anger program and these anger tips are not meant to substitute for professional diagnosis, treatment or advice. If you have intense, serious or chronic anger problems, or you have to deal with someone else who does, you should immediately consult a mental health or medical professional for help.
If you want to become certified to teach anger management classes, what are your choices of training programs? Actually, there are numerous “models” of anger management that work well- despite the claims of some that there is only one training model that works.
Some organizations warn that if consumers are trained by anyone else but them, they are not legitimate or credible. Wouldn’t it seem ridiculous that only one program in the entire world could produce a well trained anger management provider? Of course not. Consumers should make their choice of anger management training by reviewing the program content, not marketing propaganda by other organizations. Clearly there is room for various models of anger management intervention, just as there is room for varies models of psychotherapy, medicine and other interventions.
Actually, consumers should look around and pick a training model that best fits their particular clients. Following is a list of reasons why we believe the Century Anger Management Model should be strongly considered:
1. It was developed by two experienced psychotherapists, both with Ph.D. degrees, and both licensed by the state of California to practice. This is important because anger management involves an array of clinical skills, both in assessment and practice. The 40-hour training program they developed includes many modules based on their research, education, and training. This ensures the best possible background for those doing anger management individually or in classes or groups.
2. Century Anger Management is very user-friendly. We will support you during your training and after you have been certified. We answer all emails and all phone calls. We value our providers and do everything we can to keep providers current in our model of anger management. Our certification is valid for two years- with very inexpensive continuing education after that.
3. We have now trained hundreds of providers in California and elsewhere. While we can’t claim that we are the biggest anger management training company yet, we are growing and we try harder. Our model is used by many large organizations such as the Salvation Army, numerous Probation Departments, military installations, and County Mental Health Systems, and approved by the CA State Board of Corrections to train probation, parole and correctional officers.
4. We offer two ways you can become certified – through Live Training or through our new home-study program. This makes it flexible and convenient for both local people and people across the country who can benefit from our model without having to fly to California to be trained.
5. Unlike most other training organizations in anger management, we offer many free resources to providers and consumers alike, to help people with their anger issues. This includes free newsletters, podcasts, articles, and other resource materials.
Miguel has just gotten off the telephone with his buddies with whom he made arrangements to play basketball Saturday morning. Unfortunately, he did not discuss this first with Maria who obviously is very upset over this. From her point of view, Miguel often makes plans independently, just as if he was still a single guy. She had other plans for them Saturday morning and now she has to re-plan her whole day. Worse, she wanted more time with Miguel and was looking forward to it this weekend. Miguel, on the other hand, doesn’t have a clue as to why Maria is so upset. To him what he did was “business as usual.” Besides, he felt that a man shouldn’t have to get “permission” from his wife to play basketball with his buddies.
With this blog, we begin a series of reports on how to tank your relationship. Researchers now know which habits predict relationship success and which predict disaster, so we herein present a tutorial on what to do to increase the probability that your relationship won’t succeed or that you will never get from your partner what you need.
On the other hand, if you learn how to respond differently to your partner (that is, use better relationship habits) when you feel that he or she is not treating you well, you might just start seeing changes in both your partner and in your relationship.
In our example, it is obvious that Miguel acted in a way that Maria saw as selfish and, from Maria’s perspective, he should have talked to her before he made his plans. But, partners often act in ways that the other sees as selfish, uncaring, misguided or just plain wrong. (Miguel sees the situation very differently, as he has a different perspective). May marriage survive and even thrive with one or both partners having these negative traits. So, it is not the traits themselves that tank a marriage.
According to marriage research, because of this difference in perspective, what causes additional damage to the relationship is how Maria responds to Miguel’s behavior (and how Miguel responds to Maria’s upset). So, let’s now look at different ways Maria could handle the situation:
HOW TO TANK THE RELATIONSHIP: Lesson 1- If Maria wants to cause more relationship damage and decrease the chances that Miguel will change, she should repeatedly do the following:
Take the attitude that Miguel did what he did because he was selfish, uncaring, or immature.
Take the attitude that he did not care enough for her to think about it before he made his plans with his friends.
Assume that there is a clear “right” and “wrong” way to deal with same-gender friends and same-gender activities when in a marriage.
Seeing Miguel as the whole problem instead of seeing the issue as their having different opinions, priorities or ways of navigating life.
Alternatively, Maria can respond differently and increase the probability that Miguel won’t do this again in the future, if she does the following. These are relationship “habits” that research has found are related to better success.
She should avoid jumping to conclusions and keep an open mind, asking Miguel calmly why he did what he did.
Hear Miguel out and refrain from disputing or debating what he was saying before he was able to explain fully.
Tell Miguel in a loving way that she feels hurt and unloved when he makes plans without including her and she would appreciate it if he did not do that in the future.
Rather than criticizing Miguel, ask him to work with her to find a solution that takes both perspectives of the situation into account.
In our next blog, Lesson #2 on ways to tank your relationship and how to avoid that outcome, if you wish.
When people graduate from our anger management classes, we ask them which of the eight tools of anger control helped them the most. Often graduates tell us that it was Anger Tool # 6- “Adjust expectations” that was of most help to them. But managing expectations helps in more life areas than just anger; it also is a very useful tool for happiness, to fight depression, and generally to have a more balanced life.
What is an expectation?
An expectation is a mental prediction of what will happen in the future when we don’t know for sure. If what does actually happen matches or exceeds our expectation of it we experience positive emotions such as satisfaction, joy, surprise, or gratification. If, on the other hand, what occurs is different from what we expected or is less than what we expected, we experience negative emotions such as disappointment, anger, or frustration.
To fight depression, to be less angry, to have less life frustration, it is important to develop the skill of closing the gap between what we have and what we expected in the first place. This is not easy because it is a real challenge to decide what is reasonable to expect of ourselves, our loved ones, our employees, our friends, or our marriage partners. To complicate matters, we live in a culture that often encourages unrealistic expectations of our marriages, our sex lives, our financial success, our body beauty, our children, and our “rights” to unlimited material things.
Given our culture and our attitudes, , how can we NOT be disappointed when we actually look our age, when we only have a normal sex frequency of once or twice a week , when we can only afford one family car instead of that second SUV, when our children our good citizens but only average in achievement, and when we “only” earn $80,000 a year at age twenty-eight.
Shouldn’t We Aim High? Not that we shouldn’t aim high. Achievement and success often follow dreams. But, as we are looking toward the sky we also need to remember to keep our feet on the ground. Lowering or at least having different expectations gives us emotional room to be surprised, delighted and awed by good things that occur that we didn’t demand or depend on for our happiness. With this attitude, good things are like a bonus of life rather than a condition for happiness.
What should we expect in marriage?
In relationships, unhappy people often expect something different than what they get. Again, this is sometimes due to children growing up with the Hollywood fantasy of what marriage is like. Later, these same children expect, for instance, that their marriage partner’s purpose in life is to satisfy all their needs, that making a marriage succeed shouldn’t be hard work, and that you should be able to “be yourself” and still have your partner love you (even though you are a very poor marriage partner). Unfortunately, sometimes we discover that we don’t know our partners very well at all, even though we thought we did back when the hormones were still distorting our perception during courtship. Some psychologists maintain that many of us don’t marry a real person; rather we marry a “concept” (or an expectation) of what we want them to be.
Marital trouble then strikes when reality sets in!
What are some ways to Adjust Your Expectations for More Happiness?
To examine your expectations and adjust them, it often helps to talk to trusted friends or older people that you respect and look up to. Research show that it really helps to talk to trusted people who have been through what you are confused about. You might also have sessions with a qualified therapist to help you sort things out. Other suggestions would include
Mentally prepare yourself and others ahead of time for what may or may not happen. Sharing possibilities and outcomes with others can do much to reduce conflicts.
Stop “shoulding” in your self-talk. Think of the word “should” less often because that word is a sure-fire formula for frustration and upset.
Try to see disappointing things or people from a different perspective, focusing on different aspects of the person or situation.
Having been a marital therapist and psychologist for many years, I often wonder at the amazing ability some couples have to NOT change. These couples are often intelligent, reasonable people in other areas of their life, but nonetheless become gridlocked with each other around certain marital issues. Issues in this category are called “perpetual” issues by marital researchers; all couples have them, but not all couples fight or conflict over them.
Some couples find ways to either solve the problem or find ways to live with each other around it. What about the other couples? The ones that get stuck? Why don’t they do what they know they should do to avoid conflict around the issues that get them into trouble? The simple answer is that they often times do not want to. Change requires both skills to change and sufficient motivation to do so. Stuck couples are often locked into ways of thinking that prevents them from moving out of conflict into resolution.
Some common thought patterns that prevent change:
I don’t really want to get closer to my partner. I just want to complain about my partner and keep them at a distance.
I like the role of victim.
I enjoy feeling superior and looking down on my partner.
I like feeling angry and bitter.
Our problems are all your fault, so why should I have to change?
I’m right and you are wrong.
You’re such a stubborn, self-centered jerk that nothing could possibly work. Why should I bother to try?
Do any of these thought patterns look familiar to you? Can you identify with any of them? Seems to me that couples who really want to improve things will work at changing these and other beliefs that prevent the change from occurring. Often a special kind of therapist called a “cognitive-behavior therapist” can help you identify and change these and other thought patterns.
For self-help, I would also recommend a book called “The Feeling Good Handbook” by Dr. David Burns.This book is full of practical, helpful suggestions to improve your life and your marriage.
In summary, it has been my experience that many couples could improve their marriage, if they really wanted to and they were willing to do the necessary work to do so. Looking more deeply at the roots of the resistance to change on either your part or your partner’s part can go a long way helping things along.
Few things shake the foundation of a marriage more than perceived betrayal of one partner by the other. It seems that lately, in my practice at least, the betrayal is more in the direction of husband not being able to accept what they see as betrayal by their wife, but it certainly works both ways!
Betrayal, of course, is a matter of definition and expectations to begin with. The range of behaviors that may be classified as “betrayal” may include
innocent things like talking with your parents about your marital issues
revealing marital frustrations to an opposite-sex co-worker over frequent lunches or text messages,
kissing someone else at a party after 3 martinis, while basically ignoring your partner
actually having a physical affair with someone.
Do People who Betray See Themselves as Cheating? Some people who engage in these and other similar activities feel like they are indeed betraying their partners while others do not feel that way at all until “caught” by their partner. Regardless of their own perception of their behavior, their partners are often devastated when they find out, even though they my have been poor marriage partners to begin with. This is often because many married people expect loyalty and faithfulness from their partners regardless of the lack of emotional connection between them, regardless of how badly one of both act in the marriage, or regardless of their own contributions to marital misery.
What Happens when Betrayal Is Discovered?
For the non-cheating partner, discovery of betrayal often leads to complete lack of trust, emotional hurt, anger and strong feelings of retribution or emotional punishment of the other. To preserve the relationship, forgiveness is a skill that is most often needed, but often beyond reach. In our anger management classes we teach the benefit of forgiveness as well as the skills to forgive, but many people cannot forgive or trust again after perceived betrayal. Statistically, only a small percentages of marriage survive physical betrayal of one partner by the other.
For the accused, discovery of betrayal often leads to intense feelings of guilt and/or shame. The accused also often becomes very defensive and justifies what they did by listing all the problems in the marriage or in their partner which lead them to the betrayal in the first place.
Should the Betraying Partner Be Forgiven?
Of course, every person has to answer that question for themselves. Some people are incapable of getting past it, while others could if they tried harder and had stronger commitment to do it. Here are some things that you can do that many couples find helpful:
Try putting it in a broader context. Ask yourself why your and your partner lost emotional connection with each other. You don’t have to see the betrayal as a character flaw in either yourself or your partner; if you wish, you can elect to see it as an indicator of a deeper problem in the relationship.
Ask yourself how strongly motivated you are to repair the marriage. There are many skills you can acquire to get to forgiveness and improve your marriage, , but none of them will work for you if you don’t want to forgive your partner or you don’t really want to improve your marriage. Ask yourself honestly if there are more advantages to NOT forgiving than to actually forgiving. On the other hand, if you see more benefit in forgiving and improving your marriage than in remaining angry, resentful and bitter, you will forgive and work on improving things.
What Can the Accused Partner Do?
The accused partner can also do many things to repair the marriage, but again, you have to want to and you have to be willing to do some hard work to pull things back together. Following are just some examples of what it may take to recover from being seen as a betraying partner by your wounded spouse:
If you did betray your partner, start by asking for forgiveness and commit to not doing it again.
If in your eyes you did not betray your partner, discuss with your partner what your expectations are of each other and what each of you consider appropriate behavior for a married person in different situations. Try to agree on these expectations of each other. Many times a therapist is needed to help you sort-out these issues.
Start a program of trust-building behaviors so your partner can start trusting you again (e. g. let them know where you are at all times, take offending phone numbers off your cell phone, etc).
Find ways to improve your sexual life with each other so that you both feel more secure and more bonded with each other in this important aspect of your marriage.
Century Anger Management, the education and training company of The Anger Coach and AJNovickgroup.com is proud to announce an upcoming certification training in Sacramento, CA. This 8-hour training will satisfy requirements for Level 1 of the acclaimed 40-hour training offered by Century Anger Management. The remaining 32 hours are completed online.
The Sacramento Training will be hold on Friday, April 9, 2010 and conducted by Associate Trainer Dr. Shirley Rowland who has an extensive background in substance abuse work. CEUs will be offered. Details and signup by clicking here
