This months episode we discuss the relationship that sex and anger share. As a practicing Psychologist and Marriage Therapist, I have come across many couples who experience sexual frustrations in their relationships. Often times anger can arise from sexual frustration, and as this episode discusses, sexual frustration can result from anger. In this podcast we teach four practical and easy-to-employ techniques for reducing sexual frustration and anger in your relationship.
Please note: This anger program and these anger tips are not meant to substitute for professional diagnosis, treatment or advice. If you have intense, serious or chronic anger problems, or you have to deal with someone else who does, you should immediately consult a mental health or medical professional for help.
This months episode we discuss the positive effects that a sense of humor can have in dealing with anger. Appropriate humor can help all of us deal with difficult situations better, and if we have a problem with anger humor can gives us new ways to respond to frustrating situations. Humor shifts the way we think and helps us to be response-able – capable of handling stress, frustration, tension and other hard to deal with emotions. In this episode, we also teach four easy ways to develop a sense of humor.
Please note: This anger program and these anger tips are not meant to substitute for professional diagnosis, treatment or advice. If you have intense, serious or chronic anger problems, or you have to deal with someone else who does, you should immediately consult a mental health or medical professional for help.
This months episode discusses the benefits of managing your expectations. Learn what your expectations are, where they come from and understand how the world around us influences our expectations. When we understand these things, then we can better adjust what our expectations are when it comes to our lives, our relationships, our families, our possessions and our jobs. If we find ourselves frustrated by these things then it’s possible that we have formed unrealistic expectations about these goals. By adjusting our expectations to more realistic levels, we can avoid the anger that comes from being let down, and we will find ourselves living happier lives as a result.
Please note: This anger program and these anger tips are not meant to substitute for professional diagnosis, treatment or advice. If you have intense, serious or chronic anger problems, or you have to deal with someone else who does, you should immediately consult a mental health or medical professional for help.
Miguel has just gotten off the telephone with his buddies with whom he made arrangements to play basketball Saturday morning. Unfortunately, he did not discuss this first with Maria who obviously is very upset over this. From her point of view, Miguel often makes plans independently, just as if he was still a single guy. She had other plans for them Saturday morning and now she has to re-plan her whole day. Worse, she wanted more time with Miguel and was looking forward to it this weekend. Miguel, on the other hand, doesn’t have a clue as to why Maria is so upset. To him what he did was “business as usual.” Besides, he felt that a man shouldn’t have to get “permission” from his wife to play basketball with his buddies.
With this blog, we begin a series of reports on how to tank your relationship. Researchers now know which habits predict relationship success and which predict disaster, so we herein present a tutorial on what to do to increase the probability that your relationship won’t succeed or that you will never get from your partner what you need.
On the other hand, if you learn how to respond differently to your partner (that is, use better relationship habits) when you feel that he or she is not treating you well, you might just start seeing changes in both your partner and in your relationship.
In our example, it is obvious that Miguel acted in a way that Maria saw as selfish and, from Maria’s perspective, he should have talked to her before he made his plans. But, partners often act in ways that the other sees as selfish, uncaring, misguided or just plain wrong. (Miguel sees the situation very differently, as he has a different perspective). May marriage survive and even thrive with one or both partners having these negative traits. So, it is not the traits themselves that tank a marriage.
According to marriage research, because of this difference in perspective, what causes additional damage to the relationship is how Maria responds to Miguel’s behavior (and how Miguel responds to Maria’s upset). So, let’s now look at different ways Maria could handle the situation:
HOW TO TANK THE RELATIONSHIP: Lesson 1- If Maria wants to cause more relationship damage and decrease the chances that Miguel will change, she should repeatedly do the following:
Take the attitude that Miguel did what he did because he was selfish, uncaring, or immature.
Take the attitude that he did not care enough for her to think about it before he made his plans with his friends.
Assume that there is a clear “right” and “wrong” way to deal with same-gender friends and same-gender activities when in a marriage.
Seeing Miguel as the whole problem instead of seeing the issue as their having different opinions, priorities or ways of navigating life.
Alternatively, Maria can respond differently and increase the probability that Miguel won’t do this again in the future, if she does the following. These are relationship “habits” that research has found are related to better success.
She should avoid jumping to conclusions and keep an open mind, asking Miguel calmly why he did what he did.
Hear Miguel out and refrain from disputing or debating what he was saying before he was able to explain fully.
Tell Miguel in a loving way that she feels hurt and unloved when he makes plans without including her and she would appreciate it if he did not do that in the future.
Rather than criticizing Miguel, ask him to work with her to find a solution that takes both perspectives of the situation into account.
In our next blog, Lesson #2 on ways to tank your relationship and how to avoid that outcome, if you wish.
I recently returned from Phoenix, Arizona for a visit with a high school buddy that, save for a brief visit two years ago, I had not seen for fifty years.
What an experience that was – catching up with each other’ s lives covering a half of a century!
He had heard that I had become a psychologist, but he had a little trouble wrapping his mind around how he thought I would be versus how he remembered me as a 17 year old adolescent. As old friends often do, we kidded around a lot as we reminisced, after which he asked, “‘How can you be a successful psychologist seeing people with serious problems when you kid around so much?”
The answer to that question is that appropriate humor is a valid therapeutic technique that can have much therapeutic value, even with people who have quite serious problems.
As Bill Cosby said: “You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything – even poverty – you can survive it. “
Comic Bob Newhart (who played a television psychologist) said: “Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.”
Actually, considerable research shows that humor is a powerful strategy to lower your stress level, dissolve anger and instantly give you new ways to view situations and thus new ways to respond. Often, mood is elevated just in the process of striving to find humor in difficult and frustrating situations. Laughing at ourselves and the situation helps reveal that small things are not the earth-shaking events they sometimes seem to be. Looking at a problem from a different perspective can make it seem less formidable and thus more solvable.
As we teach in our local anger management classes, as well as our online program, humor shifts the ways in which we can think and thus opens opportunities to be more “response-able” in dealing with whatever is triggering our anger – without being overwhelmed by it. As Henry Ward Beecher (clergyman and activist) observed: “A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.”
Laughter can also help us release pent-up feelings of anger and frustration in socially acceptable ways; it also reduces tension because it is often followed by a state of relaxation.
So, give it a try. If you are truly humor-challenged, here are some suggestions to improve:
Start collecting amusing (but tasteful) jokes that you can use to brighten the moment.
Take anger situations and flip them to see the funny side.
Learn to laugh at yourself; it shows you are secure about who you are and what you want.
Try seeing the situation from a different perspective
We are very excited to announce the release of the AngerCoach Mobile iPhone/iPod Touch app available in the iTunes app store!
With the pace of technology catching up to our busy schedules we feel this new platform is the ideal way to deliver the timely and practical content the AngerCoach provides. People of all ages and backgrounds can access these useful anger management tools in the palm of their hand. Not only does the app provide skill building tools for the 8 tools of anger control, but it provides an easy way to monitor your progress and access constantly updating tools for 6 unique anger zones.
Click here to download the app via the App Store, and remember to tell us what you think!
Question: How many psychologists does it take to change a light-bulb?
Answer:Only one – but the light-bulb has to really want to change.
In my experience as a psychologist and marriage therapist, I have often see people struggle with the question of how much they are capable of actually changing. At social events, when people discover my profession, they will sometimes ask, Can people really change, even if they want to?
Can it change its spots?
Some folks believe in the philosophy that “A leopard cannot change its spots” while others believe “anything is possible” in terms of ability to change. As is often the case in psychology, the truth is somewhere in the middle. Obviously, certain habits and some personality traits are changeable, many psychiatric conditions (such as phobias, depression, sexual dysfunction and anxiety) are now very treatable, but certain core character traits, attitudes toward life, core personality traits, and personal beliefs are not.
A question that often comes up in therapy (or socially) is: “Can an unfaithful partner change or is cheater always a cheater? Too bad questions about human behavior are not more easily answered with a simple “yes” or “no.”‘ Truth is, some unfaithful partners can and do change and others don’t. Depends on the circumstances (the type of affair) and the character structure of the offender.
The reason the “change” issue is an important question is that it lies at the core of setting expectations about people. It is our expectations that determine to a large extent what we will feel toward others or certain situations. If we have in our minds that someone could change if they really wanted to, but, in fact, they cannot, we may unjustifiably get upset with them. We may also get unduly upset with ourselves for not changing something about ourselves when, in fact, we need to accept limitations in that particular area of our lives. People often have unrealistic expectations about themselves and then either unduly berate themselves (expectations too high) if life turns out differently than they anticipated or, give up too easily(expectations too low) when they could have done more!
What does change require?
Can You Change? It Requires Ability To Do So
The philosophy that “anything is possible” does not square with life experience, although this notion is popular in our society. For example, for ten years my first wife was convinced she could teach me how to sing. Being a music teacher, she saw me as a real professional challenge the first time she heard me, even though I told her that I couldn’t even carry a tune in a box. Poor woman really tried..and tried. We both eventually gave up, bowing to the harsh reality that one has to have the proper brain structures to be able to sing, no matter how hard one tries, desires it, or commits to it.
Is It Worth It? Change Requires Motivation
On the other hand, we can we learn to change how we communicate, how we handle anger, how we function or show love as a wife, husband, partner, or parent! Many times it is not innate limitations holding us back, but simple lack of skills. If you didn’t get the skills earlier in your life, you can still acquire them, but this will involve motivation to do so, assuming the thing is changeable in the first place. Take the young women who comes to our anger management classes because she has just lost her third boyfriend in a row because they could not deal with her anger. Is she motivated to change? You bet! Was she motivated during her first conflictual relationship? No, because at that point she did not see herself as the problem. But, now she does!
Should You Change? It Requires Trait of Flexibility in Your Personality
Some people do not believe in change. My late mother was one of those people. She did not believe in personal change and could not successfully deal with change in others or change in circumstances. At age 63 she was proud of the fact that “I am the same person today as I was at age 19.”
When I went away to college and then returned home with fresh ideas and life views, she was very upset because she did not see me as the same boy that had left home (“College has changed you” ). Change requires the flexibility to accept it rather than being scared of it or threatened by it. It requires the ability to be adaptable (instead of rigid) in a changing world and to see the necessity of changing in order to be a more effective person. It is the attitude: “Well, if that doesn’t work for me, I better try something else.” Unfortunately, many people are the opposite: they hold onto what obviously doesn’t work any longer in the hopes that somehow it will work again for them.
Are You Ready To Change?
When Should You Change? Often it is required to Deal with Life Stages. Most people realize that children go through developmental stages, but fail to recognize that adults do too. What you need and how you see the world is often quit different at age 60 than at age 20. People sometimes naturally change at different life stages. The man who was a terrible father because he was always gone to support the family when younger, may be an excellent grandfather at age 60. The 19 year old girl who was attracted to the “hot” young men , at age 40 may value stability more than muscles in a man now. To some extent, nature forces us to change as we age, but some people fight it more than others or become frightened because different survival skills are now needed.
Some people mellow as they get older while others sour. Perhaps one reason for the difference is that of adaptability – or change. It seems to me that happier people are better at accepting change as natural and as part of the universe while sour people are often bitter, disillusioned, disenchanted or unfulfilled with their life or life situation.
Believe it or not, old dogs CAN learn new tricks. Life is change and the wise person asks themselves what they need in THIS life stage to be happier, to be more effective, and to deal with the current as well as future personal challenges.
When I was a boy growing up in Cleveland, Ohio, it was my Italian-American father who was the mood setter of the house. If he was happy, everybody was happy. If he was angry, the home atmosphere turned ugly with discontent spreading like an August fog in San Fransisco, from one family member to the next.
Like many psychologists, I was attracted to the field of psychology to find answers to the many strange and vexing questions about my dysfunctional family, including why one person’s mood in a family can so drastically affect everyone else in the family, and beyond.
I am happy to report that new research now provides some answers. This research shows that everything we do or say tends to ripple through our social networks, having an impact on our friends (one degree), our friends’ friends (two degrees), and our friends’ friends’ friends (three degrees). That means when you feel happy, your friend’s friend’s friend has a higher likelihood of feeling happy too.
The implications of this finding for family members is gigantic, especially if family members also happen to be your friends. As famed researcher Daniel Gilbert of Harvard University points out:
1.Happiness is not only an individual matter.
The research shows that taking control of our own happiness can positively affect others. Happiness is not one’s own business anymore.
2. One plus one does not necessarily equal two.
Happiness does not spread among people in a ‘1 to 1’ manner, but infuses up to three degrees of separation. Your happiness thus depends on the pleasure of individuals beyond your own social horizon. The power of this transference of happiness is no more 1+1=2.
When you stop and think about it, how many people “up-line” contribute to your happiness or unhappiness? When I grew older, I realized that my father’ s moods were being influenced by His mother, who maybe was being influenced by her relatives or social contacts.
Thinking about all this reminds me of how important it is to (1) be aware of whom you associate with (and who they associate with) as they may be influencing you more than you realize, and (2) You can greatly influence many people in the world with your own moods, including happiness.
So, set the tone positive for your social networks at home, at work, in peer-based activities and on your virtual social networks.
In our anger management classes in Southern California as well as in our online anger management programs, we try to teach people how to be happier as an antidote to anger. What we are discovering now is anger reduction replaced by happiness not only greatly affects the individual, but many people around him or her.
Now for the drum roll……
Remember, before you decide to laugh with someone, you are not only laughing with him or her, but with everyone they have laughed with before you!
Learning to respond instead of react to frustration and anger triggers is anger tool #3 in our “tool kit” of anger control strategies. An important skill to use this tool is the skill of being grateful for things in your world and in your life. It is almost impossible to be angry and grateful at the same time. But, it is very challenging to be grateful when you look around and see only negatives in your life. You want to ask yourself: “what should I be grateful for exactly?”
Being able to answer that question for yourself is a major step toward anger control and increased happiness in your life. Following are some resources to help you do just that. We begin with a Budhist quote:
“A wise man, recognizing that the world is but an illusion, does not act as if it were real, so he escapes the suffering.”
- Buddha
We continue with a concept promoted by David Block, creator of the “Gratitude Balls” to be squeezed whenever you feel depressed, angry, or discouraged. We hand out these balls to participants of our local (Southern California) anger management classes. David recently organized The First Gratitude Tour of San Diego: Here is his you tube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7NKhHGIlzM
Finally, we turn to the master, Deepak Chopra, who teaches you how to meditate in order to get in touch with gratitude which he believes is the quickest way to “get in touch with your soul.” His video can be seen also on you tube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIXIwdhOmSM
Research backs up the claim that being grateful leads to increased happiness! Try it and see if it works for you!
Dr Tony
www.angercoach.com
www.angercoachonline.com
As I mentioned in my last blog, psychologists are now doing major research in determining what makes people happy. These researchers are called Positive Psychologists and some of what they are discovering is fascinating. Take Sonja Lyubomirsky at The University of California at Riverside who wrote a book based on her research called “The How of Happiness.” She addresses the question of what determines happiness? and finds the following:
(1) about 50% is due to genetics; that is, we all have a biological “set point” that probably cannot be modified. Some of us are just naturally more dour than others. On the other hand, are the disgusting people who wake up chirping like a bird every morning.
(2) About 10% – yes, only 10% - of happiness is due to life circumstances. This includes circumstances such material wealth and beauty.
(3) About 40% of happiness is due to intentional activity. Wow! What a finding. This means that at least 40% of your happiness is under your control and includes specific behaviors and ways of thinking that will increase or decrease your happiness.
So, what are these activities and which ones will work for you? Lyubomirsky discusses and describes 12 happiness activities that seem to have a positive effect on people’s happiness.
Which ones will work for you depends on your personality, needs and circumstances. Many seem to be commons sense, yet unhappy people have not yet learned these basic life skills.
In future blogs, we will be discussing some of them, especially the ones we regualrly teach in our live anger classes and in our online anger class. Stay tuned………
