Archive for the ‘Self-talk’ Category

Financial Infidelity: Are you dishonest about money?

Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

As the economy tightens, handling of finances in families is increasingly at the core of family fights and conflicts presented to therapists. Financial strain may greatly increase family stress which in turn affects all aspects of the relationship and family life. Even worse, is the introduction of what therapists are now calling “financial infidelity” – not being truthful with your spouse about money earned, money spent, or assets you be holding.

A survey that lawyers.com and Redbook magazine commissioned from HarrisInteractive in 2005 tells the tale. Harris interviewed 1,796 adults, ages 25 to 55, who were married, engaged or living together. Among the findings:

  • Virtually all the people interviewed (96%) said it was both partners’ responsibility to be completely honest about financial issues.
  • Nearly 1 in 4 (24%) believed so strongly in this principle that they said openness about money is more important than being faithful. (As lawyers.com legal editor Alan Kopit put it, “They’re saying, ‘It’s one thing to fool around. It’s another thing to fool around with my hard-earned cash!’”)
  • Still, almost one in three (29%) admitted they had lied to their partner about finances, most often about personal spending (21%) or spending on the kids (12%).
  • One in four (25%) said a partner has withheld financial information — again, usually about personal spending (20%) and spending on children (11%).
What we lie about
Spending on ourselves 21% How much we make 6%
Spending on children 12% Our investments 4%
Household finances 9% Our retirement accounts 2%

Source: HarrisInteractive

When financial indiscretions are discovered by the partner, the usual reactions are similar to discovering sexual infidelity: feeling violated, having your “trust” foundation shaken, wondering what else you may have been lied to about, having doubts about wanting to be with a person who lied to you, and perhaps feeling foolish that you didn’t see it happening when perhaps it should have been obvious.

In my experience as a marital therapist , most people who “cheat’ feel justified in doing so. They justify and rationalize their behavior to “make it right” in their own minds, so they don’ t have to feel guilty. It is like their “self-talk” goes astray. For instance, they tell themselves their behavior was OK because:

  • “I spent the  money on the children or the family;”
  • “My own parents or a relative  needed the money;”
  • “My  partner is a miser; I’ll repay it later;”
  • “Since my partner bought so and so, I deserve to buy this for myself; he/she didn’t tell me- why should I tell them? ” ( a balance-the-scale expenditure)
  • “I have to drive the old car, so I’ll buy myself a $2000 _____” (a revenge expenditure)
  • “It is my money; I’ll spend it any way I like” (The entitlement expenditure)

Some people, however, financially cheat because they are addicted to alcohol or drugs, to gambling,  to shopping,  to an expensive hobby or interest, or to costly sex. Or, perhaps they simply are dishonest people with poor character. They really can’t justify their actions. They know it is wrong, but either don’t want to change, or can’t change without professional help. Persons at this level of financial infidelity often ultimately destroy the relationship if the behavior continues. After all, partners can only put up with so much; at a certain point, they say “enough” and either end the relationship or establish firm boundaries around financial issues within the relationship. Persons who knowingly allow severe financial abuse to continue probably suffer from low self-esteem.

Fixing Financial Infidelity:
So, how do you fix financial infidelity? As we teach in our local marriage therapy sessions, and in our new Online Marriage Education Program, many marriage problems such as this are born of not aligning expectations to begin with (including setting boundaries) and not assertively and honestly communicating with each other around financial issues. Couples should have serious discussions around the following financial topics:

  • What are the ground rules?
  • What is joint money vs. personal money?
  • What are the parameters for spending? For instance, “we consult with each other before spending over $100″)
  • Do “personal money” expenditures need to be reported to the other?
  • Do we blend money or keep earned money separate?
  • Who physically pays the bills ?
  • Should one or both partners be placed on an “allowance?”
  • Should one partner who is better with money “control” the family expenditures?”

Often a skilled therapist is needed to help couples deal with these issues because most financial issues have a strong emotional component attached to them. As one couple told me recently, “It isn’t about money itself; it is about power and control in our relationship.” In other instances, money conflicts are about clashing financial values, colliding life goals or dreams, or perhaps the inability of the couple to be flexible enough to deal with changing life circumstances (e.g., loss of employment, illness, etc).

Some Financial Thoughts by Benjamin Franklin:

Here are some thoughts to chew on as you and your partner discuss financial expectations and financial values:

  • A man may, if he knows not how to save as he gets, keep his nose all his life to the grindstone, and die not worth a groat at last
  • Beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship
  • Buy what thou hast no need of, and before long thou shalt sell thy necessaries
  • A fat kitchen makes a lean will
  • Always taking out of the meal-tub, and never putting in, soon comes to the bottom
  • When you run in debt; you give to another power over your liberty
  • The second vice is lying, the first is running in debt


Posted in Marriage, Self-talk | No Comments »

Dealing With Life Stress: Should We Use a Scale or a Broom?

Friday, June 18th, 2010

MHH_cartoon-a-thon_2009-2stress

This cartoon illustrates how stressful life can be, even in normal  situations like family life. (By the way, if you enjoy mental health humor, visit (http://blogs.psychcentral.com/humor) for more.) In our anger management programs, we teach specific methods to handle stress as one of our anger control tools, because stress and anger are very much connected and related.

Is stress control about achieving life balance? Perhaps. Maybe not. In the words of our humorist Chato,

“If you’re seeking balance because your life is a mess, then you’re looking at the wrong thing. What you need to be seeking…….is a broom!”

My experience is that sometimes we might need both a scale and a broom. A scale to keep things in balance and proportion and a broom to sweep out all the stuff that is irrelevant to your life goals and dreams and may be bogging you down, like trying to walk through wet cement.

Lets start with the scale:

scale

Many personal development coaches teach clients to make a pie chart like this……………

pie chart

……..and then teach clients to put a label on each piece of the pie representing life areas where time and energy and spent. Typical categories would be work, family, community, religion, leisure, etc. Then, by keeping track of how much time or effort you spend in activities related to each category, you can easily see if your life is out of balance or not.

Take the case of a 43 year old small business owner who worked 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. He slept eight hours a day, leaving only 6 hours  a day for everything else including his marriage, his family, personal time, etc. Soon, he felt overwhelmed and burned-out and then he felt  “used” by almost everyone because his needs outside of work were not even close to being satisfied or fulfilled. Often people like this have a classic “type A” personality and are seen as “driven.” One client we saw had had three heart attacks by age 33 and still was unable to slow down or add balance to his life.

Is happiness higher in people who have a more balanced life? Are these people less stressed? I’m not sure that this has even been directly researched, but it seems intuitively true from observation of happy and relaxed people. Balance comes not only from how you spend your time, but also in terms of  how purposeful or meaningful what you do seems to you. Do what your love and your life will not feel out of balance to you (although others may not see it the same way). Spending much effort doing what you feel you have to do without counter-balancing it with enjoyable or meaningful or rewarding things will lead to much stress and unhappiness. We all have to spend some time on things we don’t like or things we don’t want to do; but happier people balance these things with doing at least one enjoyable or rewarding  thing each day – something they can “look forward to”

Now The Broom…..

broom

Life activities, thoughts, focus on the unimportant or focus on that which cannot be changed can clutter our minds just like stacks of old newspapers can clutter a room in your house. Both types of clutter make it difficult to navigate life because they bog us down, and occupy space that could be much better used. Mind clutter may include things like:

  • Focusing on trivia or the unimportant while missing the bigger, more important issue (for instance, happily straightening the deck chairs on the Titanic, while being oblivious to the fact that the ship is sinking)
  • Devoting significant portions of your life to changing that which cannot be changed instead of focusing on that which can be. This includes people as well as causes or issues.
  • Staying  stuck in a life style or life situation you stopped liking long ago, but yet you stay in it or keep on doing it. Being preoccupied with the negative clogs your mind and your perspective to try new solutions or try new life styles that may be less stressful and bring more happiness. Think: “If I am not part of the solution, I am part of the problem.”
  • Thinking certain self-talk or holding certain beliefs about yourself or the world which may not be true, yet stop you from pursuing or achieving some life dreams that may still be within you reach.
  • Holding resentments or grievances which poison you inside like a cancer and block your potential for happiness or fulfillment.

Posted in Positive Psychology, Self Help, Self-talk, Stress | 2 Comments »

How Self-Talk Changes Moods

Friday, February 12th, 2010
How we think about it makes it so

How we think about it makes it so

A famous psychologist, Dr. Albert Ellis changed the face of psychology on the 60′s and 70′s by arguing that it is our self-talk  or thinking patterns that determine how will respond to events in our world and what we will feel about them. He went on to explain that this also explains why person “A” responds differently to an outside event than does person “B” even though they both experience the same thing.

Sounds rather obvious to us in 2010, but it was a major mind-blower back then, especially for those who believed the extensive writings of the psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, or the school of thought that said we are like knee-jerk animals and all our behavior is determined by simply stimulus-response connections.

Dr Ellis wrote a signature book called “Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy” in which he argued that it is as simple as “ABC.”

  • A is an outside event like a marital conflict.
  • C is an emotion connected to that conflict such as anger.

But, Dr. Ellis explained,  Anger is NOT caused directly by the marital conflict.

(Stay with me and I’ll explain….)

Rather, something comes  between “A” and “C” that causes “C.”

That something (“B”) is our beliefs about “A”.  It is our thinking (or self-talk)  ABOUT the Conflict (or the original issue that you are fighting about) that causes anger or other negative emotions.  Because of  this unique human ability, we can modify and control how we feel and what mood we are in.

So, here is how it works:

A - An event that happens (the marital fight or conflict)

B- Our beliefs and self-talk about marriage (or our partner)  or the beliefs (and self-talk)  around the issue that causes the fight.

C- All our negative emotions such as anger, frustration, fear, etc.

Psychologists/therapists who teach clients how to think differently about events in their lives in order to change how they feel and behave are called “cognitive” therapists and their practice is called CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

I am this type of psychologist and try to teach my local therapy clients that we as human beings should take responsibility for how we interpret and deal with the world because the only alternative is to try and change the world.  Sometimes we can change parts of it, but most of the time a better strategy is to develop skills to deal with it more effectively.

I also teach this principal in our anger management book (It is called Anger Tool #4- Change your Self-Talk) and in local anger management classes.

Visit the Anger Coach Webisodes section of our website to see a video of this  and other  very practical and useful mental health tool videos. Thanks to Jason Badham of Population Four for his help in producing this ongoing video series.

Posted in Self Help, Self-talk | 4 Comments »

How to deal with a Bully – VIDEO

Tuesday, May 12th, 2009

Posted in Aggression, Angry People, Conflict Resolution, My Life, Quick Anger Tips, Self Help, Self-talk, Stress | No Comments »

In close relationships, most of the time being loved, being respected or being personally happy is more important than being “right” – Anger Self Talk 7

Thursday, April 10th, 2008

We all LIKE being right, but some people HAVE to be right as a matter of power and control over others. These people are very rigid in their thinking patterns because they don’t allow that others may have equally valid opinions or ways of doing things.  While it IS true that sometimes we indeed have to draw a line-in-the-sand regarding what we consider “right,” and “wrong,” most conflicts between family members or other intimate relationships involve issues that usually are in the “gray” area rather than being starkly black and white.

To be less angry. let go of those “gray” issues (and even some of the black and white ones, if you can). Remember that while you may be technically “right,” the emotional cost of holding on to your righteousness may indeed by very high.  What good is it to be right if its cost is the generation of hatred or emotional distance in a family member?

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I need to develop more patience and tolerance toward some people or situations – Anger Self Talk 6

Tuesday, April 8th, 2008

“As soon as you concern yourself with the “good” and “bad” of your fellows, you create an opening in your heart for maliciousness to enter. Testing, competing with, and criticizing others weaken and defeat you”……Morihei Ueshiba

We live in a complex world with over 6 billion other people, many of whom see things, value things and do things very differently from you. If others do things that upset us, it is natural to tell ourselves they are “stupid,” “wrong,” “bad,” “crazy,” or to make other judgments about them which may or may not be true or accurate.

A better way to talk to yourself is to remember that perhaps they are not 100% of the problem. Remind yourself that, as they say, it takes two to tango. That is, upsetting anger occurs as a result both of what they do and how you react or respond to it. Someone else may see the exact same behavior exhibited by the person upsetting you, but yet not become angry or bothered by it.

No offense, but in some situations you may be part of the problem. If so, perhaps you need to develop more tolerance, empathy, or understanding. When someone does something that upsets you, another way to interpret your being upset with them is that you lack coping skills at that moment to successfully deal with the situation.

Rather than angrily blaming the other for their behavior, focus instead on developing personal skills to better cope with it.  For instance, have a teacher you don’t like who irritates you? Rather  an becoming angry or refusing to learn in that class, ask yourself how you can learn to better cope with him or her.  Trust that this may be a growth experience that will help you learn to better cope with difficult people in your future.

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I am partly responsible for how people treat me – Anger Self Talk 5

Friday, April 4th, 2008

Has it occurred to you that your attitudes, appearance, demeanor, and behaviors are constantly teaching others how you are willing to be treated? It’s like we are beaming signals to other people of which we may or may not be aware.  Yet, we sometimes are astounded when people then treat us in ways consistent with those signals we have been sending.

Want to change someone’s anger toward you? Ask yourself if perhaps you are somehow “pulling” (or at least encouraging) that behavior from the other by how you are with them. Of course, this is not always the case, but it is an excellent place to start – and it is something that is under your control to change.

To continue this concept, perhaps you become angry when you feel that others disrespect you, bully you, don’t listen to you, don’t take you seriously, or perhaps don’t act lovingly toward you. Again, the appropriate self-talk here is to ask yourself if you could somehow change what you do to get a different response from the people you now have issues with.  This self-talk is empowering and elevates you from victim to feeling a measure of control over your life because you can always control what you do much more than what others do or do not do.

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Nobody is perfect. I must remember that even good intentioned and competent people make mistakes – Anger Self-Talk 4

Thursday, April 3rd, 2008

“Iron is full of impurities that weaken it; through forging it becomes steel and is transformed into a razor-sharp sword. Human beings develop in the same fashion” – Morihei Ueshiba

 

To reduce anger, remind yourself that most of us are works in progress and, as such, are imperfect. We all have good days and and bad days; we all have areas of extreme competence as well as mediocrity; we sometimes shine and other times look pretty dull.  Increased tolerance of our own mistakes, limitations and foibles as well as tolerance of the mistakes or imperfecions of others will make life less frustrating for you.

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Things don’t always have to go my way – Self Talk Part 2

Saturday, March 29th, 2008

Some days you are  the pigeon; other days you are the statue.

When people read this “self-talk,” in anger management class, there is always immediate chuckling indicating self-awareness of how often we convince ourselves just the opposite – that things should go our way because after all, we are masters of the universe and legends in our own minds.

The mature person recognizes that things probably unfold in the world pretty much as they are supposed to – even if events don’t necessarily follow our personal plans, wishes, needs or wants. To what extent do we control our personal world? Philosophers have been dabating this issue for thousands of years without agreement; until they figure it out, you can manage your anger by realistically telling yourself that sometimes things will go your way, and other times they won’t – no matter how hard you try.

More at http://www.angercoach.com and  http://www.angercoachonline.com

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How To Talk To Yourself When Angry-Part 1

Friday, March 28th, 2008

As you go through your daily life, what kinds of things irritate or anger you? If you are like most people, the list is porbably quite long and may vary in length depending on the day and your mood at the time.

Our anger management participants regularly tell us they experience workplace anger, desk rage, road rage, relationship anger, irritation with parents, irritation with teachers, being mad at peers, being mad at siblings, fast-food anger, customer service anger, bank anger, computer anger, and ex-spouse anger. There appears to be no end to the growing list as our society becomes more and more complex.

When you stop and think about it, you will realize that there is no limit to things in the world that can trigger anger and stress in you.  The only sensible way to view all this is to understand that you can’t live in a modern world without being constantly exposed to many potential anger triggers – which you probably are unable to change or modify. So, to survive (and thrive) you need to develop tools and skills to deal with those things that serve as anger triggers for you personally.

This involves first taking responsibility for how you deal with those angry feelings instead of blaming them on other people or cicumstances. To do this, you need to first separate the feeling of anger from the expression of anger. We have found that the tool of changing your self-talk is an excellent way to do that.

Why does changing self-talk help us with the expression of anger? Because the feeling of anger is natural when we are frustrated or have a goal blocked.  But, what we tell ourselves about the anger trigger has dramatic effect on how angry we get and how we express it. Our thoughts affect our feelings just as our feelings affect our thoughts.

In future blogs, we will give you twelve powerful ways to talk to yourself when angry.

More information at www.angercoach.com

Online anger management at www.angercoachonline.com

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