Humor is a powerful strategy to lower your stress level, dissolve anger and give you new ways to view situations and thus new ways to respond. Often mood is elevated just in the process of striving to find humor in difficult and frustrating situations. Laughing at ourselves and the situation helps reveal that small things are not the earth-shaking events they sometimes seem to be.  Looking at a problem from a different persepctive can make it seem less formidable and thus more solvable.

Humor shifts the ways in which we think and thus opens opportunities to be more “response-able” in dealing with whatever is triggering our anger, without being overwhelmed by it. As Henry Ward Beecher observed: “A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs.  It is jolted by every pebble on the road.”

Are you humor challenged?  Here are some tips that will help:

1. Nurture your sense of humor and feed it with funny movies, books and songs.

2. Sart collecting amusing (but tasteful) jokes that youc an use to help brighten the moment.

3. Take anger situations and flip them to see the funny side. Give these issues a spin and learn to laugh at them.  Example: a man was reading the paper at the dinner table paying no attention to his frustrated wife who finallyu said: “Honey, would you mind stomping your foot once for “yes” and twice for “no”?  This immediately broke the ice as they both started laughing and then communicating.

Most of our writings concern people who have anger toward others. But, I recently received an email from someone who said he never gets mad at other people – only himself. He was wondering if the eight tools can be applied in that situation. The answer is a resounding YES. Even anger toward other people is sometimes the outward manifestation of self-anger or self-loathing. Some mental health professionals maintain that even depression is actually anger turned inward, that is, anger that has no voice, has no place to go or is too timid to find outward expression.

All the tools applied correctly can help with self anger, although sometimes therapy is also needed to “fine-tune” the process. Probably the most important tool to master in this situation is Tool #4- changing self-talk because what you tell yourself about yourself or your life situation has a lot to do with how you feel and how to see the world, Adjusting what you expect of yourself  to more realistic levels (Tool #6 ) can sometimes also be crucial to be happier inside and less self-anger. Learning to forgive yourself (Tool # 7)  for mistakes or misdeeds would also be high on the list because some people are so judgmental toward themselves that they are robbed of normal happiness or joy.

For more information on the eight tools of anger control and how they can be applied to many different situations, visit our website often. It is constantly changing.

Law Professor Carl Sanborn knows all about anger in men and has written a fascinating new book about it. Some very interesting ideas:

“The sad fact is that both boys and girls are warped by societal expectations” – by what Sandborn calls ‘patriarchy’. “I know, all red-blooded men cringe when they hear that word, patriarchy,” says Sandborn. “But in our resentment against feminist criticism, men have missed a vital point. Patriarchy has stolen our hearts and is killing us.”

“Expressing anger doesn’t work for angry men, either. A feedback loop starts when anger is expressed at a loved one, for example. Anger leads to guilt, leads to self-loathing, leads to more anger”. The answer? To begin, men must soften the cruel self-talk by adopting a patient and supportive inner voice. As Sandborn says, a man can become his own kind father.

He advises men to pay more attention to their feelings. “Give yourself permission to feel things. The truth is that feelings, with permission, will rise and then pass. Admit your guilt or sadness to yourself. But use a gentle voice. Everyone is flawed. Everyone makes mistakes. No one is a perfect husband, father or friend”. Remember, too, that anger is natural when a person feels attacked. But Sandborn says we can express angry feelings without losing our temper. Often, what we want to express to the other person is not our anger, but our hurt feelings.

Sandborn has a point. In our anger management classes we teach what is called “assertive communication” – the ability to express emotions without losing one’s temper. It is one of the eight tools of anger control we teach men- and women too – to better manage their emotions. More at http://www.angercoach.com

Calvin Sandborn is a law professor at the University of Victoria in British Columbia.  His book on anger management, Becoming the Kind Father: A Son’s Journey (New Society, 2007) can be viewed at http://www.newsociety.com/bookid/3951  Professor Sandborn can be reached at csandborn@law.uvic.ca

Do you believe in forgiveness or revenge? or both, depending on the circumstances? That was the topic this evening in our anger management class held in Orange, California. The topic brings out many conflicting emotions in participants, as all admitted to struggling with the concept of forgiveness and letting go of grievances. Research shows that people who can forgive have better, healthier lives, with much less anger and turmoil. Yet, some admitted they felt like “wimps” for “weak”  if they didn’t get “even” with those who had wronged them, especially if it was done on purpose with ill intent. The rebuttal to that issue is that forgiveness occurs in the heart and not in your interaction with those you forgive. This means that you can forgive, but still protect yourself from further abuse by the offending person. You can forgive, but sever the relationship. We then discussed that this is easier to do if you can find a way to not take the offense so personally and find a way to put positive meaning into the bad experience you had.