We all LIKE being right, but some people HAVE to be right as a matter of power and control over others. These people are very rigid in their thinking patterns because they don’t allow that others may have equally valid opinions or ways of doing things.  While it IS true that sometimes we indeed have to draw a line-in-the-sand regarding what we consider “right,” and “wrong,” most conflicts between family members or other intimate relationships involve issues that usually are in the “gray” area rather than being starkly black and white.

To be less angry. let go of those “gray” issues (and even some of the black and white ones, if you can). Remember that while you may be technically “right,” the emotional cost of holding on to your righteousness may indeed by very high.  What good is it to be right if its cost is the generation of hatred or emotional distance in a family member?

“As soon as you concern yourself with the “good” and “bad” of your fellows, you create an opening in your heart for maliciousness to enter. Testing, competing with, and criticizing others weaken and defeat you”……Morihei Ueshiba

We live in a complex world with over 6 billion other people, many of whom see things, value things and do things very differently from you. If others do things that upset us, it is natural to tell ourselves they are “stupid,” “wrong,” “bad,” “crazy,” or to make other judgments about them which may or may not be true or accurate.

A better way to talk to yourself is to remember that perhaps they are not 100% of the problem. Remind yourself that, as they say, it takes two to tango. That is, upsetting anger occurs as a result both of what they do and how you react or respond to it. Someone else may see the exact same behavior exhibited by the person upsetting you, but yet not become angry or bothered by it.

No offense, but in some situations you may be part of the problem. If so, perhaps you need to develop more tolerance, empathy, or understanding. When someone does something that upsets you, another way to interpret your being upset with them is that you lack coping skills at that moment to successfully deal with the situation.

Rather than angrily blaming the other for their behavior, focus instead on developing personal skills to better cope with it.  For instance, have a teacher you don’t like who irritates you? Rather  an becoming angry or refusing to learn in that class, ask yourself how you can learn to better cope with him or her.  Trust that this may be a growth experience that will help you learn to better cope with difficult people in your future.

Has it occurred to you that your attitudes, appearance, demeanor, and behaviors are constantly teaching others how you are willing to be treated? It’s like we are beaming signals to other people of which we may or may not be aware.  Yet, we sometimes are astounded when people then treat us in ways consistent with those signals we have been sending.

Want to change someone’s anger toward you? Ask yourself if perhaps you are somehow “pulling” (or at least encouraging) that behavior from the other by how you are with them. Of course, this is not always the case, but it is an excellent place to start - and it is something that is under your control to change.

To continue this concept, perhaps you become angry when you feel that others disrespect you, bully you, don’t listen to you, don’t take you seriously, or perhaps don’t act lovingly toward you. Again, the appropriate self-talk here is to ask yourself if you could somehow change what you do to get a different response from the people you now have issues with.  This self-talk is empowering and elevates you from victim to feeling a measure of control over your life because you can always control what you do much more than what others do or do not do.

“Iron is full of impurities that weaken it; through forging it becomes steel and is transformed into a razor-sharp sword. Human beings develop in the same fashion” - Morihei Ueshiba

To reduce anger, remind yourself that most of us are works in progress and, as such, are imperfect. We all have good days and and bad days; we all have areas of extreme competence as well as mediocrity; we sometimes shine and other times look pretty dull.  Increased tolerance of our own mistakes, limitations and foibles as well as tolerance of the mistakes or imperfecions of others will make life less frustrating for you.

Much anger is the world is generated by people trying to control or change other people who do not wish to be controlled or changed. Rather than thinking in terms of “control,” think instead of other methods of changing and influencing others such as: persuading, educating, rewarding, enticing, compromising, being positive role model, advising, urging or convincing. Remember, people have free will and in most cases they have a tight to do things we consider wrong or stupid if they are willing to accept the consequences.

Some days you are  the pigeon; other days you are the statue.

When people read this “self-talk,” in anger management class, there is always immediate chuckling indicating self-awareness of how often we convince ourselves just the opposite - that things should go our way because after all, we are masters of the universe and legends in our own minds.

The mature person recognizes that things probably unfold in the world pretty much as they are supposed to - even if events don’t necessarily follow our personal plans, wishes, needs or wants. To what extent do we control our personal world? Philosophers have been dabating this issue for thousands of years without agreement; until they figure it out, you can manage your anger by realistically telling yourself that sometimes things will go your way, and other times they won’t - no matter how hard you try.

More at http://www.angercoach.com and  http://www.angercoachonline.com

As you go through your daily life, what kinds of things irritate or anger you? If you are like most people, the list is porbably quite long and may vary in length depending on the day and your mood at the time.

Our anger management participants regularly tell us they experience workplace anger, desk rage, road rage, relationship anger, irritation with parents, irritation with teachers, being mad at peers, being mad at siblings, fast-food anger, customer service anger, bank anger, computer anger, and ex-spouse anger. There appears to be no end to the growing list as our society becomes more and more complex.

When you stop and think about it, you will realize that there is no limit to things in the world that can trigger anger and stress in you.  The only sensible way to view all this is to understand that you can’t live in a modern world without being constantly exposed to many potential anger triggers - which you probably are unable to change or modify. So, to survive (and thrive) you need to develop tools and skills to deal with those things that serve as anger triggers for you personally.

This involves first taking responsibility for how you deal with those angry feelings instead of blaming them on other people or cicumstances. To do this, you need to first separate the feeling of anger from the expression of anger. We have found that the tool of changing your self-talk is an excellent way to do that.

Why does changing self-talk help us with the expression of anger? Because the feeling of anger is natural when we are frustrated or have a goal blocked.  But, what we tell ourselves about the anger trigger has dramatic effect on how angry we get and how we express it. Our thoughts affect our feelings just as our feelings affect our thoughts.

In future blogs, we will give you twelve powerful ways to talk to yourself when angry.

More information at www.angercoach.com

Online anger management at www.angercoachonline.com

I recently received a referral from an employee for the Department of Homeland Security (DHS). DHS employees often face very stressful situations, depending on their job function and can find learning skills in anger management to be extremely helpful. Homeland security is one of our nations top priorities and therefore can be an equation for stress for those that are in high demand positions. The employee who we are currently seeing for executive coaching will be taught a series of tools from our highly acclaimed client workbook “Anger Management in the Twenty-first Century”. We will focus on improving empathy and emotional intelligence, stress management, assertive communication and managing expectations. Anger management skills improve relationships and sharpen ones ability to have more positive interactions.

Posted with permission from
Ari Novick, Ph.D.
AJ Novick Group - Anger Management

Anger at Work
by Lynette Hoy
I don’t really know where to begin…

I’m 22. I work at a daycare, and each day I take care of between 6-10 children from age of 7 mo. - 1 year 4 mo. It is stressful. The kids cry non stop. I am always running around like my head is cut off, my boss is very bad at what she does, and the place is always understaffed.
Not to mention my co teacher in the room complains 24/7 not only about the workplace but her life in general.

I seriously, have lost it. I have serious anger issues. I get angry at the littlest things. I know that 99%… I probably have depression

I have extremely HUGE anxiety and stress.
Last week two days in a row I went home and looked in the mirror, and there were hives all over my chest. and on my neck.

I can’t quit my job because I need money big time, another stressful part of my life. I’m trying to find a new job…
My point is I am afraid that I take my anger out on the kids. at certain points all I see myself doing is yelling. I Can’t take the crying anymore. I can’t take my co teacher complaining ALL DAY about the same stuff every day.

I guess its a venting I dunno… any advice on how to calm down? How not to be so mad at work. I love my kids. I don’t want to take my anger out on em. (I would NEVER hit them, I just get cranky with them).
I have issues with my boyfriend too which causes me unbelieveable anxious stress….
Any advice? thank you in advance. Signed, Anonymous

Answer: Dear Friend, you need a new job. In the meantime - until you find or train for other jobs - I suggest you make a plan to defuse your anger this way:

1. Take a time-out as suggested whenever you can. Remove yourself - even for a few minutes - to calm down. Do some deep breathing.

2. Start changing your self-talk Write out recent scenarios and what you said to yourself which may have caused you to become more provoked with anger. Change your self-talk to incoporate phrases like this:
“I don’t need to let this minor issue upset me.”
“This person isn’t capable of dealing with their problems. Maybe he/she is just having a bad day.”
“Take a deep breath. Don’t let this - crying, demanding, event-trouble you. You have more important concerns than this.”
“I can cope with this. I can try to manage this situation.”
“What will this issue matter to me in a week or so?”.
Some people find prayer a helpful intervention as well.

3. Get support If a situation gets so bad - you need to ask a co-worker or your supervisor for help. Or maybe you need to ask for a change of patients/students. Get a counseling evaluation for your depression.

4. Stress management Make sure you have time to wind-down after work. Get some evercise and take time to meditate or pray. Cut down on the stress in the rest of your life. You have more control over the stressful challenges you face personally than you do at work.

Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com

Posted with permission by angercoach.com 

Anger Management and how it relates to use of force and self-defense

Law Enforcement personnel such as police officers, probation officers and national gaurds are often placed in dangerous and stressful situtations in which use of force is needed. The way in which law enforcement personnel manages anger is often a matter of life and death.Non -Peace officers such as sercuity gaurds, body gaurds, boxers and the average citizen who may be involved in a physical altercation or self defense also benefit from evolved anger management skills.Those who teach use of force techniques speak of a gradual level of force that can be applied in an effort to de-esculate or subdue a subject. The earlier levels of use of force incorporate many skills often taught in an anger management class.

Level One

Personnel Presence: The presence of a person can prevent and deter from an assault from happening to another patron by the person running, standing, walking towards an attacker . By using simple body language and gestures that are non-threatening you deal with the situation.
Anger management classes teach participant to be aware of there body language. Heavy breathing, a flushed face, and clinched fists are pronounced physical signals of anger.

Level Two

Communication: Used with presence, the use of the voice can usually achieve the desired results. Words can be whispered, used normally, or shouted to be effective. The content of the message is as important as your demeanor. It’s always best to start out calm but firm and non-threatening. Choice of words and intensity can be increased as necessary or used in short commands in serious situations. The right combination of words in combination with presence can de-escalate a tense situation and prevent the need for a physical altercation.

When angry we can exhibt a number of communication styles: Passive Communication, Aggressive Communication and Passive aggressive communication are not helpful when dealing with conflict. Anger Management courses encourage clients to participate in assertive communication.

Participants in an anger management course are encouraged to defend themselves. Their are occassions when physical aggression is manadated. When your saftey or the saftey of a loved one is jeapordized physical force may be neccessary.

Norm Bettencourt a tactical self defense expert describes three physical levels of self defense:

Level Three

Control Holds & Tactics: Certain situations may arise where words alone does not reduce the aggression. At this level, minimal force would involve the use of bare hands to guide, hold, and restrain a patron. This does not include offensive moves such as punching, tackling, and choking. Pain compliance holds could apply here, but only after ordinary holds fail to control an aggressive patron

Level Four

Chemical Agents: Sometimes when the suspect is violent or threatening, more extreme, but non-deadly measures must be used in defense to bring the suspect under control or affect an arrest. Before moving to level four, it is assumed that other less physical measures had been tried or was deemed inappropriate. When used by surprise, pepper spray and tear gas is an excellent distraction, allowing the security officer time to get away, call the police, or subdue the suspect.

Level Five

Temporary Incapacitation: To use force under level five means that the situation was so extreme, violent, and immediate that it was necessary to temporarily incapacitate a suspect prior to arrival of the police. This includes the use of all methods of non-deadly force beginning with the empty hand up through and including impact tools. At level five, properly used defensive and offensive moves are allowed under the right circumstances. Choke holds and carotid neck holds can be used, but at great risk. Although still taught at many police academies, neck compressions are very risky and used only in extreme situations.

Level Six

Deadly Force: When you are in immediate fear of death or great bodily injury at the hands of a perpetrator you are authorized to use deadly force in most cases. Check your state & provincial laws to be sure. Deadly force can be applied by your hands, impact tools, or with a firearm. There are no rules, other than negligence, for applying deadly force when it’s justified. However, deadly force is the highest standard and must be justified.

Posted with permission from:

Daybreak Counseling Service
www.daybreakservices.com
http://www.linkedin.com/in/angryinla
http://myspace.com/angermanagementeacher
310-995-1202

Posted by Angercoach.com. Special certification program for martial arts instructors at angercoachonline.com 

At the brink of every New Year we make promises to ourselves and to the ones we love to change. Often we’ve made the same promises every year for the last decade and find ourselves repeating the same negative habits, hurting ourselves and the people we care about.

In some circles the number 8 is thought to represent new beginnings and 2008 is touted as the year of new beginnings.

The thought is hopeful but can people really change?

The answer is yes people can change. I can’t afford to think otherwise. Why because there is so much about me that needs improvement.

To tell you the truth anger management has never been a real problem for me. I did not say I’ve never been angry. I fall under the category of angry people who hold their emotions in and it eats them alive from the inside out. Come to think of it, I guess that is a problem but it’s not the biggest problem I face.

A dear friend of mine passed this weekend. We shared a similar struggle.

He was full of life, talented and hopeful for a new beginning. I guess he got it. He got his new beginning.

In a way I envy him. My new beginning will not come so easy. It will take work and discipline. It will take change.

Can people really change? Yes people can change. I can’t afford to think otherwise.

Dedicated to Cjon Damitri Patterson: The composer of the musical theme for Angry in L.A.

Cjon your spirit and music will live on.

Posted with permission by The Anger Coach from the blog of :
Daybreak Counseling Service
www.daybreakservices.com
http://www.linkedin.com/in/angryinla
http://myspace.com/angermanagementeacher
310-995-1202

The holidays often bring family members together who maybe haven’t seen much of each other throughout the year. Old resentments and grievances can often emerge, sometimes with strained or even disasterous consequences. Many families find themselves time-stressed with holday preparations and activities which lower coping ability even further.

The following five tips have been found useful to help you deal with that inevitable holdiay stress:

1. Watch carefully the amount of alcohol you consume. Many anger management students confess that excessive drinking definitely contributed to family conflict and aggression.

2.Reduce stress by managing your time carefully and not over-scheduling yourself. Take time for yourself.

3. Adjust your expectations of family members. No, Aunt Irene hasn’t changed since last year. Tell yourself that you only have to see her once a year- you can cope with it.

4. Work on forgiveness skills. Let old resentments go. Holding grudges hurts you more than your relatives.

5. Develop better empathy skills. Try to see the world from the viewpoint of irritating family members and you may be shocked at how your anger dissipates.

For more tips on how to deal with angry feelings or the angry behavior of others, visit The Anger Coach Website.

The Anger Coach now offers an affiliate program. This means that if you have a website, you can earn 25% selling anger coach products from your site - with no work other than putting up one of our banners on your webpage.

Click here for details and help spread the news about anger management.

We often generate anger or feel irritation toward other people when we tell ourselves they are “stupid,” “incompetent,” “dumb,”slow,” or some some other term indicating that they do not live up to expectations or your performance standards.

We teach people in our anger management programs that the issue here is often unrealistic expectations of people or situations - on your part. After all, some people indeed don’t think as quickly as you do, some employees don’ t have your skills (or they would probably be doing what you are doing), some people just do things differently than you do, and people in your life may just have different ways of thinking than you do. (The classic example on this last point is the frustrated wife who simply asks her husband what time it is and he answers by taking 30 minutes to recite the history of the clock)
All those things may be true. But why become angry over it? The alternative is acceptance and tolerance of what you see as limitations (or differences) in others.

Fact is, they are probably not going to change. To avoid conflict and frustration, your challenge is to find a way to mentally cope with them or deal with them without the anger.