In this months episode we provide couples with suggestions on how to tank your relationship, an exciting new series offered by Dr. Tony Fiore. In part 2, we highlight communication styles that can start eager couples down that path to divorce. The way you choose to handle arguments can sway your relationship towards or away divorce – but that choice is up to you. Anger does not have to ruin a relationship! Stay tuned as in the coming months we continue in this exciting new series!
AngerCoach Show – Episode #13 – How to Tank Your Relationship: part 2
August 30th, 2010Is Marriage like a Rorschach Test?
August 27th, 2010
Have you ever noticed that you and your partner sometimes see things very differently? The very same things. Reminds me of the classic Woody Allen film “Annie Hall” with Woody himself (“Alvy Singer”) and Diane Keaton (“Annie Hall”), in which we see a split screen with both of them talking to their separate therapists about sex:
Alvy Singer’s Therapist: How often do you sleep together?
Annie Hall’s Therapist: Do you have sex often?
Alvy Singer: [lamenting] Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
Annie Hall: [annoyed] Constantly. I’d say three times a week
Fact is, most marital conflicts arise not so much out of the outlandish behavior of one or both partners, as out of each partner’s perception of the “meaning” of the behavior.
As Swiss psychologist Hermann Rorschach discovered in the 1940′s, rather than perceiving things objectively, we tend to “project’ our needs, personality, motivations, and backgrounds into how we see things. He developed a test, the Rorschach test, (or “Inkblot” test, as it is sometimes called) to diagnose mental and personality disorders and to better understand and analyze how a person mentally functions.
Recently, Cartoonist Chato Stewart made up his own “ink blot” test as shown above.
Test Yourself
Just for fun, let’ s test this principal! What do you see in the above ink blot? Does it differ from what your partner sees? Click here to go to a web page where you can list what you see. I will report the group results in the next newsletter. Would you predict that there will be a wide variety of responses?
Seeing the behavior of your partner in a different light
According to marriage therapist and writer Brent Atkinson, Ph.D. (http://www.thecouplesclinic.com), “A hallmark of people who are re good at getting their partners to treat them well is that they know that when they get upset with their partners, it doesn’t necessarily mean that their partners have done something wrong. They realize that there are many different ways of prioritizing things that can work in relationships. People who are less effective in their relationships don’t realize this.”
Seeing the behavior of your partner in a different light can drastically change how upset you get over it! See it one way and you might go ballistic. See the same behavior from another perspective and you may be much more tolerant, understanding, and conciliatory.
So, what are these different “lights” under which you can interpret your partner’s behavior that upsets you? One way to do it, according to Dr. Atkinson, is to see their behavior as a way to calm their nervous system. Research shows that there are five specific differences in nervous system wiring that most often result in partners becoming critical of each other. Briefly they are:
(1) Independence First vs Togetherness First
One partner prefers to engage in activities and tasks independently. Often is critical of other by saying things like “You want me to read your mind. You expect too much. You’re too needy.” If the other prefers to engage in activities and tasks together (“togetherness first”) , they criticize by saying thing like “You live in your own little world! You are selfish. Any moron would have realized that I needed help. I shouldn’t have asked.”
(2) Invest in The Future First vs Live for the Moment First
One partner believes in “work first, then play.” Other partner believes in living for the moment first. The “work first’ partner often criticizes the other as “being lazy,” and irresponsible or says : “You are like a child who has to have everything right now.” On the other hand, The “play first” partner criticizes the other by saying thing s like “You’re anal, neurotic, anxious.”
(3) Predictability First vs Spontaneity First
One partner seeks security, predictability and order first, then feels safe to experiment within the safe parameters. The other seeks adventure, creativity, open-mindedness. The “safe” partner may criticize the other by saying things like “You’re reckless.” The adventurous one may see the other as boring, or even create conflict by saying something like “you’re a coward.”
(4) Slow to Upset vs Readily Upset
One partner feels that getting upset doesn’t help anything. He/she doesn’t make a big deal of things, thinking “It’ s not the end of the world if everything doesn’t go the way you want it to.” The other partner may think it is normal to feel upset when something seems wrong, deficient or less than it should be, thinking, “If nobody gets upset, nothing changes.” In this scenario, the slow- to- upset person criticizes the other by saying things like “You are never satisfied. You’re a negative person. You’re not happy unless you have something to be upset about.” In defense, the readily upset partner fights back with criticisms such as “You’re a fake. Underneath it all, you get just as upset as I do. You’re just afraid of a little conflict! You’re a wimp!”
(5) Problem Solving First vs Understanding First
One partner feels better by doing something about the upsetting situation with the philosophy “solve the problem or make a plan and you’ll feel better.” Unfortunately they often criticize their “understanding first” partner by saying things like: “You’re a hopelessly negative person, a whiner, a victim. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get over it. “ The “understanding first” partner fees better by feeling understood. However, they often criticize their “problem-solving” partner by saying things like “You could care less about how I feel! You just want to pretend the whole thing never happened.”
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As we teach in our local anger management classes, in our private marriage therapy sessions, and in our distance learning programs, realizing and accepting that you and your partner may have different ways of “doing” life” goes a long way toward marital happiness and less conflict.
For more information, be sure to visit our websites and resources listed below:
Financial Infidelity: Are you dishonest about money?
August 18th, 2010
As the economy tightens, handling of finances in families is increasingly at the core of family fights and conflicts presented to therapists. Financial strain may greatly increase family stress which in turn affects all aspects of the relationship and family life. Even worse, is the introduction of what therapists are now calling “financial infidelity” – not being truthful with your spouse about money earned, money spent, or assets you be holding.
A survey that lawyers.com and Redbook magazine commissioned from HarrisInteractive in 2005 tells the tale. Harris interviewed 1,796 adults, ages 25 to 55, who were married, engaged or living together. Among the findings:
- Virtually all the people interviewed (96%) said it was both partners’ responsibility to be completely honest about financial issues.
- Nearly 1 in 4 (24%) believed so strongly in this principle that they said openness about money is more important than being faithful. (As lawyers.com legal editor Alan Kopit put it, “They’re saying, ‘It’s one thing to fool around. It’s another thing to fool around with my hard-earned cash!’”)
- Still, almost one in three (29%) admitted they had lied to their partner about finances, most often about personal spending (21%) or spending on the kids (12%).
- One in four (25%) said a partner has withheld financial information — again, usually about personal spending (20%) and spending on children (11%).
| What we lie about | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| Spending on ourselves | 21% | How much we make | 6% |
| Spending on children | 12% | Our investments | 4% |
| Household finances | 9% | Our retirement accounts | 2% |
Source: HarrisInteractive
When financial indiscretions are discovered by the partner, the usual reactions are similar to discovering sexual infidelity: feeling violated, having your “trust” foundation shaken, wondering what else you may have been lied to about, having doubts about wanting to be with a person who lied to you, and perhaps feeling foolish that you didn’t see it happening when perhaps it should have been obvious.
In my experience as a marital therapist , most people who “cheat’ feel justified in doing so. They justify and rationalize their behavior to “make it right” in their own minds, so they don’ t have to feel guilty. It is like their “self-talk” goes astray. For instance, they tell themselves their behavior was OK because:
- “I spent the money on the children or the family;”
- “My own parents or a relative needed the money;”
- “My partner is a miser; I’ll repay it later;”
- “Since my partner bought so and so, I deserve to buy this for myself; he/she didn’t tell me- why should I tell them? ” ( a balance-the-scale expenditure)
- “I have to drive the old car, so I’ll buy myself a $2000 _____” (a revenge expenditure)
- “It is my money; I’ll spend it any way I like” (The entitlement expenditure)
Some people, however, financially cheat because they are addicted to alcohol or drugs, to gambling, to shopping, to an expensive hobby or interest, or to costly sex. Or, perhaps they simply are dishonest people with poor character. They really can’t justify their actions. They know it is wrong, but either don’t want to change, or can’t change without professional help. Persons at this level of financial infidelity often ultimately destroy the relationship if the behavior continues. After all, partners can only put up with so much; at a certain point, they say “enough” and either end the relationship or establish firm boundaries around financial issues within the relationship. Persons who knowingly allow severe financial abuse to continue probably suffer from low self-esteem.
Fixing Financial Infidelity:
So, how do you fix financial infidelity? As we teach in our local marriage therapy sessions, and in our new Online Marriage Education Program, many marriage problems such as this are born of not aligning expectations to begin with (including setting boundaries) and not assertively and honestly communicating with each other around financial issues. Couples should have serious discussions around the following financial topics:
- What are the ground rules?
- What is joint money vs. personal money?
- What are the parameters for spending? For instance, “we consult with each other before spending over $100″)
- Do “personal money” expenditures need to be reported to the other?
- Do we blend money or keep earned money separate?
- Who physically pays the bills ?
- Should one or both partners be placed on an “allowance?”
- Should one partner who is better with money “control” the family expenditures?”
Often a skilled therapist is needed to help couples deal with these issues because most financial issues have a strong emotional component attached to them. As one couple told me recently, “It isn’t about money itself; it is about power and control in our relationship.” In other instances, money conflicts are about clashing financial values, colliding life goals or dreams, or perhaps the inability of the couple to be flexible enough to deal with changing life circumstances (e.g., loss of employment, illness, etc).
Some Financial Thoughts by Benjamin Franklin:
Here are some thoughts to chew on as you and your partner discuss financial expectations and financial values:
- A man may, if he knows not how to save as he gets, keep his nose all his life to the grindstone, and die not worth a groat at last
- Beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship
- Buy what thou hast no need of, and before long thou shalt sell thy necessaries
- A fat kitchen makes a lean will
- Always taking out of the meal-tub, and never putting in, soon comes to the bottom
- When you run in debt; you give to another power over your liberty
- The second vice is lying, the first is running in debt
Is Empathy Declining?
August 6th, 2010Empathy is defined as the ability to put oneself in another’s shoes, to understand their feelings and feel them yourself, and to see the world as they do. Theodore Roosevelt said:
“A very large share of the rancor of political and social strife arises from sheer misunderstanding by one section, or by one class, of another, or else from the fact that the two sections, or two classes, are so cut off from each other that neither appreciates the other’s passions, prejudices, and, indeed, point of view, while they are both entirely ignorant of their community of feeling as regards the essentials of manhood and humanity.”
Developing the skill of empathy is a key tool for anger management, for better marriage communication, for improved family relationships, and for less conflict in the world in general. Yet, unfortunately, it is a skill that seems to be declining in our world. According to studies that have been tracking this since 1979, college students are 40% less empathetic than their counterparts 30 years ago. (This was brought to my attention in a link sent to me by a former anger management student. The link is a fascinating website called “The Art of Manliness.” which recently featured an article titled ” Our Disembodied Selves and the Decline of Empathy” written by Brett and Kate Mckay.
For many people, it is amazingly difficult to be empathetic. Seems that more men fall in this category than women, but there are many, many exceptions to this statement. Some men are much more empathetic than some women, but as a group, empathy is unfortunately considered a more “feminine” than “masculine” trait. There may be a genetic basis for this gender difference, as some studies show that the differences between males and females are seen in newborn babies. Girl babies are more likely to cry when they hear another baby cry than boy babies are, and two year old girls exhibit more concern for those who are distressed than two year old boys do. Other research shows that as men and women get older, the empathy gap narrows.
Neuroscientists are even in the news recently in reference to empathy. Seems that we have something called “mirror neurons” in our brains. This means that when I am performing a task or feeling an emotion and you are observing me do so, the same neurons that are being lit up in my brain by actually having the experience, are the ones that light up in your brain just from watching me.
Wow! This may mean that physically being with someone (like your partner, or a family member) and watching them actually increases your empathy for them. Close physical proximity allows you to more easily put yourself in their shoes! Contrariwise, it is much easier to NOT be understanding of others if they are not in front of us. The McKays give the following example:
“Have you ever been incredibly angry at another person, stewing and brooding about it all day? But then when you finally met up with the person face-to-face and talked to them, the anger just melted away? In the presence of their physical self, those puppy dog eyes, your empathy kicked in. In th absence of these real encounters, minor slights can multiply themselves many times over. One of the reasons long-distance relationships rarely work out.”
To increase empathy in our technology-driven world, we must balance our lives with real physical body-to-body, face-to-face interactions with people we care about or want to understand better. This includes marriage partners, family members, neighbors, workplace colleagues, etc. Even better, to increase empathy try changing places with them – that is, do what they have to do and see if that doesn’t change your perspective of things.
I recently had a personal example of this when I took a month vacation to South America where I was hospitalized briefly for an intense intestinal distress. Admitted to a strange hospital in Quito, Ecuador where hardly anyone spoke English, I had to navigate the admissions process and explain to 10 doctors my symptoms and medical history in Spanish! Only problem was that my Spanish was nowhere near that level of sophistication, and besides, I was in no shape to speak even English, much less Spanish.
All I could think of were the times I had become impatient with local immigrants in Southern California who were struggling with their English, while trying to explain things the best they could. Since then, I have become much more understanding and tolerant of how difficult it is to learn another language, especially at an older age, under stressful conditions.
To summarize,the trait of empathy is probably “hard-wired” in our brains, but we can enhance it with practice (just like breathing is hard-wired but breathing exercises make us feel better and improve performance). This “practice” involves first becoming aware of how important empathy is. Then, physically be in the presence more often of the persons you want to develop more empathy toward, and actually watch them as you interact with them. Finally, try literally putting yourself in their shoes, if you can, to develop more empathy for their lives, their outlook, or their attitudes.
AngerCoach Show – Episode #12 – How to Tank Your Relationship: part 1
June 24th, 2010In this months episode we provide couples with suggestions on how to tank your relationship, an exciting new series offered by Dr. Tony Fiore. In part 1, we highlight three ways couples often start down that path to divorce. This podcast centers around a typical argument that couples often have and how what you say is often what predicts divorce – not the actual problem. Stay tuned as in the coming months we continue in this exciting new series!
Dealing With Life Stress: Should We Use a Scale or a Broom?
June 18th, 2010
This cartoon illustrates how stressful life can be, even in normal situations like family life. (By the way, if you enjoy mental health humor, visit (http://blogs.psychcentral.com/humor) for more.) In our anger management programs, we teach specific methods to handle stress as one of our anger control tools, because stress and anger are very much connected and related.
Is stress control about achieving life balance? Perhaps. Maybe not. In the words of our humorist Chato,
“If you’re seeking balance because your life is a mess, then you’re looking at the wrong thing. What you need to be seeking…….is a broom!”
My experience is that sometimes we might need both a scale and a broom. A scale to keep things in balance and proportion and a broom to sweep out all the stuff that is irrelevant to your life goals and dreams and may be bogging you down, like trying to walk through wet cement.
Lets start with the scale:
Many personal development coaches teach clients to make a pie chart like this……………
……..and then teach clients to put a label on each piece of the pie representing life areas where time and energy and spent. Typical categories would be work, family, community, religion, leisure, etc. Then, by keeping track of how much time or effort you spend in activities related to each category, you can easily see if your life is out of balance or not.
Take the case of a 43 year old small business owner who worked 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. He slept eight hours a day, leaving only 6 hours a day for everything else including his marriage, his family, personal time, etc. Soon, he felt overwhelmed and burned-out and then he felt “used” by almost everyone because his needs outside of work were not even close to being satisfied or fulfilled. Often people like this have a classic “type A” personality and are seen as “driven.” One client we saw had had three heart attacks by age 33 and still was unable to slow down or add balance to his life.
Is happiness higher in people who have a more balanced life? Are these people less stressed? I’m not sure that this has even been directly researched, but it seems intuitively true from observation of happy and relaxed people. Balance comes not only from how you spend your time, but also in terms of how purposeful or meaningful what you do seems to you. Do what your love and your life will not feel out of balance to you (although others may not see it the same way). Spending much effort doing what you feel you have to do without counter-balancing it with enjoyable or meaningful or rewarding things will lead to much stress and unhappiness. We all have to spend some time on things we don’t like or things we don’t want to do; but happier people balance these things with doing at least one enjoyable or rewarding thing each day – something they can “look forward to”
Now The Broom…..
Life activities, thoughts, focus on the unimportant or focus on that which cannot be changed can clutter our minds just like stacks of old newspapers can clutter a room in your house. Both types of clutter make it difficult to navigate life because they bog us down, and occupy space that could be much better used. Mind clutter may include things like:
- Focusing on trivia or the unimportant while missing the bigger, more important issue (for instance, happily straightening the deck chairs on the Titanic, while being oblivious to the fact that the ship is sinking)
- Devoting significant portions of your life to changing that which cannot be changed instead of focusing on that which can be. This includes people as well as causes or issues.
- Staying stuck in a life style or life situation you stopped liking long ago, but yet you stay in it or keep on doing it. Being preoccupied with the negative clogs your mind and your perspective to try new solutions or try new life styles that may be less stressful and bring more happiness. Think: “If I am not part of the solution, I am part of the problem.”
- Thinking certain self-talk or holding certain beliefs about yourself or the world which may not be true, yet stop you from pursuing or achieving some life dreams that may still be within you reach.
- Holding resentments or grievances which poison you inside like a cancer and block your potential for happiness or fulfillment.
Anger Coach Online Now has 16-Hour Class
June 11th, 2010Our New 16-Hour distance learning program is now available.
This should be great news for persons who are unable to attend live classes and need up to 16 hours credit for court, the workplace, or personal growth.
The sixteen hour class contains all the content of the 10-hour core program (including videos) but adds six more hours of content for those who want a more comprehensive class with an additional fifty skills and skill builders. These skills and skill builders teach you specifically how to apply the eight tools of anger control to numerous situations such as dealing with relationship anger, family anger, workplace stress, and road rage.
For instance, in this expanded program, we teach you how to deal with critics, how to be less judgmental, how an attitude of gratitude can decrease your anger, how to be a peacemaker, specific thought habits to practice to decrease anger, or how to make an apology to someone so that it is accepted.
For those that are court-required to take anger management, this expanded program qualifies for those who need a 12, 14 or 16 hour class. To get class credit, you do have to pass a 50-item True and False test at the end of the course. The online program immediately tells you if you passed or not. Don’t worry! You can review the material and then take the test as many times as necessary until you pass with 70% correct answers.
Online Quizzes as part of the class.
Almost every chapter ends with a short quiz designed to give you feedback on how well you are learning the chapter material. You do not have to pass these quizzes to achieve class credit. They are built into the program to help you learn. If you do not pass the quiz, you can return to that chapter to review the material and then re-take the quiz, if you would like.
Certificates of Completion: Immediately upon completion and passing the final test you can download and print a certificate of completion that verifies you have completed a 16-hour anger management course. We will also send you a hard-copy of the certificate in regular mail within 7 days. If you need it faster, you can pay extra for quicker shipment.
Bonus Report and E-Books
As is the case in our core program, you can download a free report titled “Survival Guide for Dealing With Angry People”. Part 1 of this report gives you eight tips to deal with explosive persons who confront you in order to defuse particularly dangerous situations. Part 2 gives you tips on how to deal with people in your life who are chronically angry toward you.
On completion of the course, you can download a free copy of the 103-page book and workbook on which this course is based: “Anger Management for the Twenty-First Century.” This is for your future reference to refresh your memory about the eight tools of anger control and how to apply them to your life.
As a special bonus for purchasers of the 16-hour class, you get a Free download of a very useful and practical 101-page ebook: “Anger Management Student Manual- Practical Life Skills for All Age” (A $29.95 value). This ebook has 18 chapters and has much additional content such as:
- Ten thinking tips to deal with stress at any age
- Developing none empathy skills to be less angry
- Seven tips to legally get high – emotionally that is!
- Twelve powerful ways to talk to yourself when angry
- Ten steps to communicate assertively to almost everyone in your life
- Seven proven ways to handle your disappointments
- Five ways to forgive and accept wrongs by others
- Cool off quickly by remembering eleven key things
Coupon for Discount for Online Marriage Education Class. Purchasers of the 16-hour class receive a coupon for $50 to apply toward purchase of our new online marriage education class which applies the eight tools of anger control specifically to marriages or other intimate relationships. You can use the coupon for yourself, your partner, or friend.
Based on marital research, clinical and personal experience, and new concepts and research from a branch of psychology called “positive psychology”, our innovative program teaches you the eight tools needed to build a positive marriage – and the practical skills you will need to apply them to your marriage (or relationship) – from the convenience of your home or office computer.
Many clients are unable to attend in-person sessions due to busy schedules, or cannot find a therapist or programs that are conveniently located near their work or home. Marriage Class Online is perfect for anyone who needs a completely self-paced internet-based Marriage Enrichment /Education program. This includes:
- Pre-married couples who want to work out relationship issues before taking the final step.
- Young married (or cohabiting) couples who have too much conflict and want to improve things before their relationship deteriorates further.
- Long-term married people who may be on the verge of divorce, but want to try every possible avenue of help first.
- Individuals in a relationship that has already “split” but they want to personally improve either to try and restore their marriage, or to better prepare themselves for the next relationship.
Single Because of Anger?
June 10th, 2010
Of course, when an angry single person seeks consultation, their first remark is usually that they wouldn’t be so angry if their partner only would.……(fill in the blank) or wouldn’t………..(fill in the blank) or wouldn’t have.………(you get the idea). Yes, we empathize. That is probably true. However, what brings down the relationship is not the anger itself. Rather, it is how you and your partner deal with it that makes the difference. If your anger is justified, your challenge is to take responsibility for it, control it and learn how to communicate the issue in a way that is more effective and doesn’ t blow you partner out of the water, so to speak.
This requires the use of the eight tools of anger control that we teach our anger management students locally and in our 10 and 16 hour online distance learning classes. Recently, I discussed these tools and was interviewed by Hadley Finch, of “Tribe of Blonds-” an internet website and radio show devoted to singles. Topic of the show was : A Lasting Love – Your 8 tools to Control Anger and Keep Love Alive. You can hear the interview by going to http://bit.ly/bBM6ZR
Learning to handle anger with your partner is actually a task of learning to communicate more effectively with each other about issues that bother you in the relationship. Some issues are solvable while others are not in the sense of one person or the other needing to change something. Learning to accept that which probably is unchangeable as well as learning how to resolve conflicts around those issues that indeed can be changed are skills that will go a long way to lasting love and making a relationship work for you!
Anger in your relationship? Guys: Before Trying To Fix, Just Listen
June 9th, 2010In our local anger management classes, we regularly hear from clients as to what causes anger in their relationships. Recently a young woman revealed that “99% of our fights occur because my husband tried to fix what is bothering me.” At this point, the males in the class were astounded that this woman could be upset because her husband was trying to help her with a problem. After all, isn’t that what a good husband is supposed to do? Here is what happened:
Wife (who was home all day with their three young children) to husband home from work: “The kids were horrible today. I can’t get little Tommy to do his homework, Jessica is always whining and Andrea always has to get her way.”
Husband: Do you know what your problem is? Lack of organization with the kids. I have been thinking about it and here is my plan for you to solve these problems with the kids.
He then proceeds to lay out the whole plan.
Wife: (now feeling defensive because she is hearing his response as critical, demeaning and unsupportive:) “You think I haven’t thought of all those things? Do you think it is easy to parent three children? You can leave every day and get away from it and then come prancng home like a hero. That really pisses me off! ”
Husband (who is completely flummoxed at her anger because he sees his response as logical, helpful and supportive. He loves his wife and wants to help her not be so frustrated at the end of the day.He also wants to come up with new solutions so she will look up to him) : ” Well, if that is how you feel, why do you ask me for advice to begin with? I’m just trying to help!”
Wife: ” I DIDN’T ask you for advice. I was just sharing my day with you. I just wanted you to listen and also to help me with the family stress now that you are home. “
Sound familiar? This scenario and similar variations of it commonly occur in otherwise good relationships, as well as in disturbed relationships. In our society many males are taught that it is their responsibility to “fix” things that are not right in his family and in his marriage. Problem is, sometimes while he is “fixing” (and being a good guy in his own mind), he is is being seen by his partner as “controlling,” invalidating, or intending to make her feel “less than.”
Often conflict can be avoided if “fixer-husbands” can learn to sometimes just listen instead of immediately jumping with solution to the problem or issue. Not that they should never come with solutions; instead, they should wait until they are ASKED for solutions or help. Until then, just being supportive and empathetic to your partner’s issues can go a long way toward relationship harmony. Click on the following short video to help you understand the power of empathy in relationships.
How To Tank Your Relationship – Lesson 3
June 3rd, 2010
Chuck warding off critical wife Latesha
In our latest series of blogs, we have been trying to teach you what research tells us as to how to tank a relationship, if you really want to. Marriage researchers now know with a fairly high degree if accuracy (about 91% ) which habits and traits predict marital success and which will probably destroy it. The fist of these habits was that of being overly judgmental and assuming that there is only one way (your way) to do the thing that is bothering you about your partner, or there is only one way to interpret the bad behavior shown by him or her. The second habit that predicts divorce is that of handling anger poorly in your relationship either in terns if being excessively angry or never standing up for yourself so that resentment builds.
For those die-hards who still need more ammunition, we now present a third habit that should put your over the top:
Habit #3 that predicts tanking a relationship: Never ask your partner to meet you half way on an issue of disagreement.
Stated another way, to put yourself in divorce court, never stand up for yourself (without putting your partner down), give equal regard to their opinion or viewpoint, or offer reassurances that you don’t want to fight or attack, but you want to just solve the problem.
Why would an anger coach encourage you to stand up for yourself? Won’t that cause more conflict? Yes, sometimes it will, but often you might be surprised at the change in behavior by your partner when you stand up for yourself and insist that they take into account your viewpoint or opinions or feelings on the matter, instead of being dismissive, bullying, or controlling. Standing up for yourself doesn’t mean that you insist you are right and they are wrong; rather it means asking them to make room for your equally valid input around the issue.
According to Chuck, Latesha criticizes almost everything about him – constantly. In this instance, Chuck is doing the correct thing to try and influence Latesha’s critical behavior in the future. He is saying, “ Hey, I’m willing to listen to you, but I’m having a hard time because it feels like you’ve already decided that I’m wrong. Could you slow down a bit and tell me why you’re upset?
But, what should he do if Latesha continues to be stubborn, uncooperative or unrelenting in her attack?
Chuck, in the graphic above, does not want to tank his relationship. So, he is using what marital therapist Dr. Bret Atkinson calls the “offer and ask” technique in response to warding off attacks by his highly critical wife, Latesha.
Basically, it means firing a warning shot into the air before pulling out the big guns in marital battles.
To do this, Chuck might try something like: “Hey, I’m trying to work with you here, but it feels like I’m not getting it back! Will you work with me?
In the “offer and ask” tactic, you offer assurance (“I’m willing to listen; I’m not saying that things have to be entirely my way; I’m not saying that I’m right and you’re wrong; I care how you feel too, and I’m willing to work with you) and you ask her to be willing to do the same thing (“Will you work with me? Will you stop criticizing me and just tell me what’ s bothering you?“)
To be effective, according to Dr. Atkinson, the “offering” and the “asking” must be done in a clam but firm manner. You must make it clear that you are still willing to try and maintain a cooperative attitude, but only if your partner is ready to return cooperativeness.
If that still doesn’t work you will need to go to Lesson 4- Tank your relationship by Not Taking a Stand. Stay tuned.
